Since My Old Wiggles Post About Anthony Is Still Getting Comments, Here’s A New One

I think it is now worth mentioning that my younger child’s interest in The Wiggles has gone from “enh, they sing, I like that” to “let me at them, I need them, all the time” in about two weeks. It’s freaky. Fresco is a much more attached-to-objects kid than his brother; he sleeps with a collection of stuffed animals, they all have to kiss each other good night, that sort of thing. Trombone used to take a book to bed with him. Only in the last year or so has he paid much attention to stuffed animals. I tried to get him attached to things because it’s supposed to be helpful for kids, right? to have things they love As Much As If Not More Than their mothers. I’d read about people losing their kids’ special toys or washing the special blanket and having chaos break out and it was kind of nice, actually, to not have to worry about that with Trombone. Is it a book? He will love it. Until he sees the next book. The End.

Fresco. Different kid.

Last week it was cute. We had a copy of “Wiggles Go Bananas” in the house, on loan from the library. We watched it every day. Half in the morning, half in the evening because that’s how much TV children are supposed to watch. Every day. Trombone was busy learning the dance moves and the song lyrics and Fresco seemed to be not paying much attention at all and then one day he said he was Sam. “What’s your name,” I said. It’s a question I ask him a lot because his answer is always different and never correct. “Sam,” he said. “Sam Wiggle?” I said. “Uh huh!” he said. “Whatcha doing, Sam?” I said. “Cook! Noo noo!” (noodles) he said. OK. Cute! Right?

The next day: “Lello Wiggle Sam!” Yellow Wiggle Sam. OK. Fresco calls everything “lello” but in this case he was right.

Then he found Trombone’s Wiggles shirt, which I had bought at Value Village months ago when Trombone needed pyjamas. The shirt is red with all four Wiggles on it: Original Yellow Wiggle Greg, (precursor to Sam), Murray (red), Anthony (blue) and Jeff (purple, sleeping sickness.) We’re not hard and fast on what clothes the kids wear to bed or during the day because one pair of elastic-waistbanded pants is much like the next, so we asked Trombone if Fresco could borrow his Wiggles shirt for the day. Trombone, who couldn’t care less about what he is wearing or what is on the shirt in question, said sure. Three days later, here’s Fresco, the shirt caked in noodles, butter, yogurt, orange, peanut butter, staring lovingly at his torso. “Wiggles!” he said. “Yes,” I said, “dirty Wiggles.”

(Ha ha.)

Do you think I could get the shirt off him? Those of you with typical toddlers are shaking with laughter because of COURSE not. He has to have it. On his person. Or within sight. We did manage to wash it and he hauled it back out of the laundry basket as soon as it was dry. Nearly had a nervous breakdown when SA suggested a different shirt for bedtime.

Two days ago, the best thing. He points at the shirt. He says, “Honey.” “Honey?” I say. No one in our house uses that word unless it’s going on toast. “Honey,” he says, pointing to Anthony. “Oh, ANTHONY,” I say. “Uh huh! Honey!”

Oh Honey. We love you. And your white, white teeth and your grey, grey hair and your not-even-a-little-bit lifted face.

I need more Wiggles clothing. Stat.

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Exercise Destroys Local Woman’s Hair, Resolve, Dignity

Did I say Tuesday? Did I say Tuesday would be the day I would panic and dig through 17 bags of hair accessories, searching for the bandanas that would fix my hair in place? I meant Monday.

I got it cut in November. And every few weeks I have been guilty of thinking, “wow, that was a great haircut. It has been X weeks and I still don’t feel like I need another haircut.” It has been growing, yes, but it has not been overgrown. It was a great haircut. I had it cut at Vixen Hair Studio in Victoria, in case you are curious. Not in New West. I am too scared to get my hair cut in New West anymore.

Just kidding! New West is chock full of professional haircuttery!

Last Thursday I went swimming instead of going to CORE YOGA, which is a great class, way better than WORKOUT LITE but it starts at 8:30 which means it ends at 9:30. I had gone on Tuesday evening and was awake till 10:30 and then up again at 5:45 AM and that day? I could not function even as well as a battery powered flashlight. I drank cup after cup of coffee and glass after glass of water and nothing happened, I just continued on with my bleary, grumpy day of endlessness. I didn’t think I could handle another CORE YOGA AT 8:30 class that week. Except I did buy the month’s pass so I wanted to use the community centre somehow. Yes, I am mentioning the month’s pass a lot, not to brag about how awesome I am or how much money I have but because the more I remember that I paid for it, the more likely I am to get off my ass and walk a block and use it.

So I called my mother on Thursday afternoon and whined to her about how tired I had been the day before and how old and lame I was, yes, my mother who broke her back last summer because of me and still can’t do all the things she used to be able to do; a child’s whininess has no bounds, apparently – and next time I wonder where my kids get it from I guess I can just check this space for updates – and my mother said why not just go for a swim. That way you can go at whatever time suits you and be home earlier and get to bed by 9. She might have snickered a little when she said that “bed by 9” part but you know what, she never had two kids, she only had me and I was perfect so she has no idea what real sleep deprivation is. Snicker away.

You should almost always do what your mother says so after I got Fresco to bed I put on my mismatched swimsuit – the top is too-small black Nike and the bottom is just-right blue Joe Clothing – and went rooting around my closet for my swim goggles and cap. I found the cap but not the goggles because I think the last time I pondered these goggles, the rubber was coming apart from the plastic and it had been 3 years since I’d used them and I thought, hey, the rule is: if it’s been in your closet unused for more than a year, toss it (whose rule is this? It sounds like an Oprah rule) so I tossed ’em. And if I had no goggles, I wasn’t going to take the swim cap and besides, I have short hair, right?

No. I do not have short hair. I have shorter hair than I used to have, sure. But I have hair that hangs off of my head and therefore I do not have short hair. Furthermore, to swim, I must put my head in the water – at least most of my head; I can’t actually put my whole face in the water unless I have the goggles because if I don’t have the goggles I can’t open my eyes and if I can’t open my eyes I can’t breathe. (I know. I have face-in-the-water issues and yet I persist in swimming for recreation.)

I swam for 40 minutes or so and it was good and I came home and had a shower in the comfort of my own bathroom because the shower at the pool was full of ladies indulging in leisurely spa treatments. And when the water from my shower splashed over my hair, my hair did say, “NO.” And I said, “Pardon?” And it said, “No. No. No. It is too late. We are done with you.” So I added shampoo and then conditioner, and then the kids’ orange creamsicle flavoured shampoo conditioner and rinsed and rinsed. The rest of my body was fine, albeit pruney. My hair was hard. It was hard like a criminal, hard like a two-by-four, hard like a civil servant waiting for his pension.

It is like I have put an entire bottle of hair product on it, all the time. Whether it is clean, dirty, wet or dry. It is no longer curly, just kind of wavy, and it sticks out every which way and all of a sudden, it is Too Long. Last week at this time, it was fine. As of Thursday, it is Too Long. It is Unmanageable. It is Disagreeable. It is the crankiest thing in the house.

Second crankiest thing in the house.

The person under the hair: also pretty cranky. But only when I look in the mirror. I had to tell myself today, repeatedly, no one cares what your hair looks like. No one cares. No one. Cares. Jesus, woman, just put a hat on and go outside. You now officially take longer in the bathroom than your 3.5 year old and he had the world goddamn record.

On the weekend, I bought new swim goggles. That way, I can wear the swim cap. It doesn’t have to make sense to you. It just has to make sense to me.

And my interim hairstyle is pigtails. Because if you can’t look good you might as well look loopy.

by the glow of the silvery computer

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Why I Am Not Napping at Naptime

In the beginning, it was about getting away.

When it was one all-consuming, all-needing baby, sometimes all I wanted was to explode from the house without looking back. I didn’t need to go far. To the grocery store, to the mall, to the park, just alone. Just me. To walk quickly, swinging my arms, a wallet in my pocket, was to take a small glimpse of my former, unencumbered self. Having caught this glimpse, I could go home again, fold my baby into my arms, smell his hair for the sweet green grass it was.

When it was one toddler and one infant I became far less romantic and far more desperate. I wanted to be anywhere they were not. Forget catching a glimpse of my former self, all I needed was 10 minutes free of grabbing hands, 10 minutes of quiet, 10 minutes of nothing. 10 minutes in the bathroom with the door closed would do in a pinch. I say “all I needed” but I mean “all I needed to stay on the balance beam;” really what I could have used was a whole day at a time. To dream the impossible dream.

Now it is one preschooler and one toddler and I no longer want to run away from them at every opportunity. Now what I want is my house back. Do you know what I mean? The most beautiful thing in the shortest supply, for me, is time alone in my house.

When weekends come around and I am presented with a couple of hours of free time I immediately do triage. Which part of me needs to be fed? Am I more tired than my hair needs cutting? Does my hair need cutting more than I need to write? Do I need to write more than I need to run? Do I need to run more than I need to sleep?

Yesterday, with the sun shining for what would be the last time until April, it was a slightly easier decision. I wanted to run. I wanted to nap. I wanted to write. I opened my journal, wrote a few pages convincing myself I should go outside, and went for a run.

Today, the clouds like pillows, the trees still as a photograph, it is less clear cut. I am sleepy and I came downstairs to crash out on the couch but the house is so quiet and peaceful that I can not bear to shut it out, to waste its peacefulness by leaving, even if I just close it out with my earplugs.

Sleep when the baby sleeps keeps running through my head, even 3.5 years since my baby was a baby, and then its counterpoint: but then you are always awake when the baby is awake and then you can never get away from the baby.

I used to need to get away. Now it is enough to be away. If that makes sense.

My hair is a petulant scrub of colours and chlorine-addled ends (apparently swim caps are no longer optional for me) but I will not be moved to put shoes on and go out of the house. In the end it comes down to: what will keep, what will rot, what needs tending. My brain, not my hair. I will regret this decision on Tuesday when I have to dig out a freaky bandana and re-tie it 17 times to get myself presentable but right now, I will not be moved.

What I need is silence. To be the only one awake. To have my mouth sealed shut for an hour. To not have to answer any questions, make any decisions, use any disciplinary tactics, enforce any bylaws.

The clock ticking. What a delicious sound.

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Oh Monday.

Here are the things I did today that backfired.

#1. Got out of bed. No, just kidding, I have to get out of bed or SA will drag me out by my heels and pour coffee down my throat and it will probably be too hot and he will disregard my tears and go to work anyway.

Real #1. Decided to take the bus uptown.

Usually we walk. Correction: usually *I* walk and the children ride in the buggy. It is not a long walk but it is uphill. Trombone, the fast walker, likes to ride because he is used to it. Fresco, the slow walker who likes to rip his hand out of mine and dash into traffic prefers to walk, but can’t be trusted. Also, if you are hoping to actually get somewhere, having Fresco walk is not in your best interests. So they ride. They eat snacks, I push the buggy and then I have a handy place to store our coats, bags, groceries, what-have-you.

Today it is raining, though, very hard, and I thought well, all we have to do is return two library books and buy some onions so why not just hop on a bus and in two minutes we’ll be uptown and can run those two small, easy errands. Also, pushing the buggy uphill is prohibitively hard work and I didn’t feel like it.

Stupid. Is what I am.

I saw that a bus would be at our very nearby bus stop in half an hour so I got us all dressed in boots and coats and then we got outside and wow, it’s really raining. Trombone says, “Oh, can we take an umbrella?” So I say sure, why not.

#2. Taking an umbrella.

The umbrella is a big one, an adult sized one with a curved handle. It is Trombone’s height, maybe taller. So while I’m trying to illustrate to him how to hold it without gouging anyone’s meaty flesh / eyeballs and also trying to lock the front door behind us, Fresco takes off running.

NOTE: I know. I should have him on a leash. He is the poster child for child-leashes.

A couple of weeks ago it would have worked to yell at him to come back. He would have at least stopped and given me time to catch up. Now, I can only tell he hears me because he runs faster. And he’s not in any danger; we’re in an enclosed area but that is not the point. If there were wolves in our yard, I would be less concerned about them and still more concerned about getting. to. where. I’m. going. TODAY.

Deep breath.

Having left ourselves 15 minutes to get to the bus stop, which is about 30 seconds away if you’re an adult who knows how to catch a bus, we made it just in time.

2 minutes later we were uptown. Turns out Trombone had two quarters, one in each hand and he dropped one just as we were about to get off the bus and then the bus driver pulled away and this woman had to yell at him to stop and let us off and then he SIGHED like we just ate his last chocolate chip cookie but he let us off.

#3. Letting Trombone find out about money.

Sometime before Christmas he started wondering about the value of money. He and Fresco would sort through the piggy bank which is actually an elephant and Trombone would ask me what he could buy with two pennies. (nothing) How about three pennies. (nothing) How about 10 pennies. (nothing) Finally I told him the least he needed was twenty-five cents. Oh, what can I get with $0.25? I don’t know…a gumball?

Stupid. Is what I am.

Of course the Safeway has candy machines in the entrance so every time we go to the store he looks longingly at them and once a week or so I let him put in a quarter and get a gumball, which he takes 45 minutes to savour and then spins around the house for 2 hours like a maniac. This morning somehow he ended up with two quarters and I did not realize until our awesome moment on the bus that he had brought them with him, expecting that at some point we would encounter a gumball machine.

And he seems to think that a pocket is a Direct Tunnel to Hell because he refuses to put the damn quarters in his pocket.

#4. Going in the library.

I should have put the books in the outside drop box. Because when we went inside, Fresco tore off to look for the Christmas tree while Trombone nearly walked into five old people because he was trying to get the quarters back out of his jeans pocket.

#5. Letting Trombone carry the umbrella through Safeway.

Sorry, fresh produce displays. Sorry, shelves of crackers. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Although – I have been gouged enough by grown ups who should know better carrying umbrellas (Downtown Vancouver, I am looking at you and hoping you freeze to death with my steely stare) that perhaps my umbrella karma is just balancing out?

#6. After getting home, allowing the children to help me make peanut butter cookies.
#6 a) Without first getting myself a snack.

Holy fuck. All Trombone wants to do is eat the sugar, butter and salt out of their containers. All Fresco wants to do is remove the contents of the mixing bowl and put them on the counter. All I want is a goddamn peanut butter cookie. Is this really fun? For anyone?

I know; it is fun for the people who have one child. Or for people who don’t actually like cookies. Or for people who hate me.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have several cookies to eat. And a container full of quarters to move to a taller shelf.

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Humbled by So-Called “LITE” Workout, Local Woman Goes Back to Bed for a Month

As mentioned in my last post, I bought a month’s pass for the nearby community centre. This entitles me to a) unlimited pool trips and b) unlimited fitness classes. POWER YOGA, the brochure screams, STEP AND SCULPT. CORE PILATES. I looked over all the descriptions of the classes within my tight evening schedule and chose to start with WORKOUT LITE even while I scoffed at its badly spelled, obviously wussy ways. After all, I was so recently (September) almost (3 weeks?) a runner (I have the shoes, so) and I am lifting and pushing around my kids all day; it would probably be a waste of time to do something called WORKOUT LITE, right? But it was at the perfect time – starting after Fresco goes to bed, ending giving me enough time to shower & relax before hitting the sack at a reasonable hour, so I decided to give it a shot. Smirk. Workout “LITE”.

I arrived at the gym in my gym clothes and eyed the other fitnessers. There were about 20 of us. A thumping dance remix of some Beyonce song echoed off the gymnasium walls. A lot of the people were hopping in place, stretching, getting warmed up. I positioned myself in the middle of the crowd, actively fighting the urge to stand at the back like a shy kid in a new school. Then she came out; a middle-aged, moderately buff fitness instructor with a microphone attached to her head. She said some things about going at my own pace and having fun and then BOOM she started moving around like a mad person.

Hopping, jumping, running four steps forward, kicking a foot in the air and waving arms around and then hopping four steps back and then doing it again and then four more and three more and then the other foot and then squats! Squats! And then run to the end of the gym and back again and now stop and do some bending, fast bending, but not too fast now hold! Hold! And run again! Run! Or walk! Stop! Punch the sky! Kick your feet and punch the sky!

Yeah, I should have gone to the back of the gym like a shy kid in a new school because the people behind me were probably paralyzed with laughter watching me try to wave my arms and legs at the same time along with the instructor. I imagine I looked a lot like a giant cockroach on meth. Who keeps running into an electric fence.

Really. I am not a graceful person at the best of times and I have long limbs.

But I kept up, I did, for the first 15 minutes and I looked up at the clock because surely it was time for us to cool down? But no, there was still another 30 minutes of cardio! Cardio! It worked my body AND my brain because I just could not get the steps and the more I flailed around the more tired I got and the more tired I got the less I could get the steps right until finally I just hopped up and down for a while until she went back to the Running Across the Gym part because I can do that. I can run across a gym. Several times, even.

“Yeah,” said the woman next to me, sympathetically eyeing my Hopping Routine of Shame, “I find her really hard to follow.” Well thank god for that.

Looked at the clock again. That was only 5 minutes of hopping. 25 minutes more cardio!

Trying to distract myself from the clock, I suddenly noticed the music, which had switched from that “ooonh chucka ooonh chucka” dance crap (as you know, I try to avoid top 40 because it makes my innards convulse) to: a dance remix of Nickelback. “Oooh lookit this photograph / oonh chucka oonh chucka oonh chucka / every timeIdoitmakes me laugh / chucka / oonh chucka.” I was already nearly hysterical with the effort of keeping up and feeling like a cheerleader gone past Wrongtown to Dangerousville and now you give me the image of Chad Fucking Kroeger dancing in a club to a remix of his own stupid song? His greasy hair swinging around, biting his lower lip, bottle of Corona in his hand, waving his pelvis around like a loaded gun?

No, of course you didn’t give me that, my brain did it all by itself, but still.

It is hard to giggle and work out at the same time. I could have used a best friend to collapse with on to the floor, right about then. Strangers just don’t understand when you grab them and say “Fucking Nickelback!” No. Not at all.

I had to make the choice to keep laughing or keep focusing on my squat-thrusts and since I can laugh anytime, I went with the latter. By the end, I was dripping with sweat and red like a [favourite squishy fruit / vegetable] and was I ever glad I started with WORKOUT LITE because apparently even the non-lite WORKOUT would kick my underworked-out ass six ways to Sunday.

Like I said, I bought a pass for a month, so I’ll be back there tonight, pacing myself better and hopefully able to remember the step-kick-step-squat-airpunch-footpunch routines. Definitely at the most backest of the back of the class.

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