Humbled by So-Called “LITE” Workout, Local Woman Goes Back to Bed for a Month

As mentioned in my last post, I bought a month’s pass for the nearby community centre. This entitles me to a) unlimited pool trips and b) unlimited fitness classes. POWER YOGA, the brochure screams, STEP AND SCULPT. CORE PILATES. I looked over all the descriptions of the classes within my tight evening schedule and chose to start with WORKOUT LITE even while I scoffed at its badly spelled, obviously wussy ways. After all, I was so recently (September) almost (3 weeks?) a runner (I have the shoes, so) and I am lifting and pushing around my kids all day; it would probably be a waste of time to do something called WORKOUT LITE, right? But it was at the perfect time – starting after Fresco goes to bed, ending giving me enough time to shower & relax before hitting the sack at a reasonable hour, so I decided to give it a shot. Smirk. Workout “LITE”.

I arrived at the gym in my gym clothes and eyed the other fitnessers. There were about 20 of us. A thumping dance remix of some Beyonce song echoed off the gymnasium walls. A lot of the people were hopping in place, stretching, getting warmed up. I positioned myself in the middle of the crowd, actively fighting the urge to stand at the back like a shy kid in a new school. Then she came out; a middle-aged, moderately buff fitness instructor with a microphone attached to her head. She said some things about going at my own pace and having fun and then BOOM she started moving around like a mad person.

Hopping, jumping, running four steps forward, kicking a foot in the air and waving arms around and then hopping four steps back and then doing it again and then four more and three more and then the other foot and then squats! Squats! And then run to the end of the gym and back again and now stop and do some bending, fast bending, but not too fast now hold! Hold! And run again! Run! Or walk! Stop! Punch the sky! Kick your feet and punch the sky!

Yeah, I should have gone to the back of the gym like a shy kid in a new school because the people behind me were probably paralyzed with laughter watching me try to wave my arms and legs at the same time along with the instructor. I imagine I looked a lot like a giant cockroach on meth. Who keeps running into an electric fence.

Really. I am not a graceful person at the best of times and I have long limbs.

But I kept up, I did, for the first 15 minutes and I looked up at the clock because surely it was time for us to cool down? But no, there was still another 30 minutes of cardio! Cardio! It worked my body AND my brain because I just could not get the steps and the more I flailed around the more tired I got and the more tired I got the less I could get the steps right until finally I just hopped up and down for a while until she went back to the Running Across the Gym part because I can do that. I can run across a gym. Several times, even.

“Yeah,” said the woman next to me, sympathetically eyeing my Hopping Routine of Shame, “I find her really hard to follow.” Well thank god for that.

Looked at the clock again. That was only 5 minutes of hopping. 25 minutes more cardio!

Trying to distract myself from the clock, I suddenly noticed the music, which had switched from that “ooonh chucka ooonh chucka” dance crap (as you know, I try to avoid top 40 because it makes my innards convulse) to: a dance remix of Nickelback. “Oooh lookit this photograph / oonh chucka oonh chucka oonh chucka / every timeIdoitmakes me laugh / chucka / oonh chucka.” I was already nearly hysterical with the effort of keeping up and feeling like a cheerleader gone past Wrongtown to Dangerousville and now you give me the image of Chad Fucking Kroeger dancing in a club to a remix of his own stupid song? His greasy hair swinging around, biting his lower lip, bottle of Corona in his hand, waving his pelvis around like a loaded gun?

No, of course you didn’t give me that, my brain did it all by itself, but still.

It is hard to giggle and work out at the same time. I could have used a best friend to collapse with on to the floor, right about then. Strangers just don’t understand when you grab them and say “Fucking Nickelback!” No. Not at all.

I had to make the choice to keep laughing or keep focusing on my squat-thrusts and since I can laugh anytime, I went with the latter. By the end, I was dripping with sweat and red like a [favourite squishy fruit / vegetable] and was I ever glad I started with WORKOUT LITE because apparently even the non-lite WORKOUT would kick my underworked-out ass six ways to Sunday.

Like I said, I bought a pass for a month, so I’ll be back there tonight, pacing myself better and hopefully able to remember the step-kick-step-squat-airpunch-footpunch routines. Definitely at the most backest of the back of the class.

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25 Responses to Humbled by So-Called “LITE” Workout, Local Woman Goes Back to Bed for a Month

  1. Arwen says:

    Hehhehheh. Oh, man does that bring back humiliations galore. I once fell off one of those steps during a step work out because I managed to trip myself on my own feet: afterward I tried to decide if I’d actually stuck my toe out to land myself on my face and end the embarrassment.

    Also, the bad music. I had this one workout that featured Starship songs. We BUILT this CITY was during the “buns tightening” moves, and we cooled down to ‘Sara’. Sticking one’s elbows in one’s ears is a great stretch.

    • cheesefairy says:

      I was going to take the step class first but glad I didn’t – another woman i know from the park was at the workout class and she said she took it once. ONCE. Once. I would probably break my nose if I tried a step class.

  2. kyooty says:

    I’m having a hard enough time matching the marching band on my wii, I wouldn’t dare take a class.

    • cheesefairy says:

      Aha – I wonder if the Wii users have an advantage…the ability to practice at home without 20 people watching.

  3. t says:

    hope you kick some community centre ass tonight!

  4. Milkybeer says:

    I always learn something when I read your blog. Tonight it was how to properly spell a dance beat.

    ooonh chucka ooonh chucka

    That little bit of knowlege is going to serve me well in life – I just know it.

    • cheesefairy says:

      …when the revolution comes, it will totally serve you well.

  5. kim says:

    Fucking Nickelcrap… I would be busting a gut with you!

  6. Shelley says:

    LMAO! Thanks for the workout… laughter burns calories 🙂

  7. Beth says:

    It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who has a hard time keeping the marching band beat on the Wii.

  8. We could SO be gym buddies because (1) your description exactly fits what I look like any time I tried to do one of those dance workout DVDs. I always end up looking like Sandra Bullock in the choreography scene from “Miss Congeniality” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY_GwV2DoHI&feature=PlayList&p=9E7D64934120E89C&index=6) (what? it’s a guilty pleasure. Also, MICHAEL CAINE.) and (2) FUCKING NICKELBACK OMGWTF!!

    • cheesefairy says:

      Well get your heavily pregnant butt up here then! Oh, wait, you probably can’t fly. & yes, that scene is just about right.

  9. Shelley says:

    Wii fit rocks my world- I can sweat, f:&@ up at will stop when I can’t go anymore and pick it back up in an hour. I <3 Wii Fit 🙂

  10. eva says:

    Fucking Nickelback. A dance remix? WHY WHY WHY WHY?

  11. Liz says:

    Fucking Nickelback, indeed. I think I would die if I tried to take that class.

    • cheesefairy says:

      You need to go at least once, it’s important character development for your upcoming movie role as an ESL teacher with moxie. Your character shuns aerobics classes.

  12. Christine says:

    I used to work at Curves (for a very short amount of time) – dance mixes of popular hymns (I kid you not) and 70’s music, sped up to 160 beats/minute, were our most popular selections. Awesome.

    • cheesefairy says:

      Wow…a remix of amazing grace would slay me. Reminds me of the time I went to the spa and the piped in relaxation music was chanting c-a-n-c-e-r.

  13. Liz says:

    I already shun aerobics classes. And Christine’s right. When I was going to Curves, it was all about the 160bpm Eagles. Oh, and some Shania.

    • Arwen says:

      Oh, yeah. And I remember hymns, too, at the one I went to: well, I couldn’t decide whether they were real hymns, not having that music in my history, or some form of worshipful new-country jacked up and jumping. It was bizarre.

  14. victoriajh says:

    OMG – I was wiping tears away from my eyes becasue in september (when I went to my first fitness class in *ahem ahem* a few years I felt the SAME way!!!
    It does get better!!!
    =)
    PS brian, lori and carin are my fave’s ( VERY easy to follow them!!!)

    • cheesefairy says:

      Brian..I think he did the yoga class on Thursday. Am going back to that. I balanced on a stability ball and did not fall off, which is SUCCESS!

  15. Christine says:

    The only hymnish song I actually remember was Amazing Grace, and it was very jacked up. Curves and I had.. let’s say a disagreement on whether it is ok or not to play hymns in a gym which may or may not be Christian, but is definitely not advertised as such. There was some unpleasantness.

  16. Peter says:

    I must admit that I have been attending this and feel silly every time. Your description of it is right on. However, I go back semi-regularly. At first my excuse was that my girlfriend needed company but after a few sessions I realized (somewhat to my horror) that I was enjoying it.