Guest bloggity!

(Live from the ToPo, it’s Saint Aardvark taking dictation! ToPo is busy eating while watching ANTM. I feel like an Apple fanboy at a Jobs speech.)

ToPo: I hate quitters. That means I hate you. And Tyra.

(Hers is a terrible love.)

Topo: Don’t misquote me! I said “I hate quitters. I am Tyra.” I am Tyra. I hate you.

(I stare at Topo expectantly.)

Topo: Ambrielle thanked God for the gift. For the model gift. “Ambrielle” — it’s the new birth control pill.

Me: Word!…(pause) We need more content.

Topo: Leotards! They look naked but they’re not naked. So the Christians don’t have to worry. …Oh god, Tyra’s gonna kill them with her thighs! Thighs o’ Tyra! That’s cleavage! …Tyra. I just don’t know.

Me: That’s not helping.

Topo: Are you live blogging?

Me: Yes! 2.0! From the blogosphere! It’s bliction! Darren Barefoot on line two!

Topo: The model’s going to slide down the wall. Are you watching? Boys like this.

Me: Cory Doctorow has just IMd you. What should I do?

Topo: The people with RSS readers are gonna hate you.

Tyra: ….so you can see it’s like I’m cleaning the floors with my knees…

Topo: Oh great. I love you, I’m crawling to you, I’m cleaning your floors. Maybe I should beat you with my stick.

Me: …What stick are you talking about, Pre?

Topo: So who’s getting voted off tonight?

Me: …the girl with the attitude problem?

Topo: No, you have to pay attention! I think it’s Sarah. She was plus sized but now she’s normal sized. It’s NOT the same thing…..Oh, look at those boobs!

Me: She brought out her wedding pair.

Topo: Oh, look at the bounce! …You missed the bounce. Oh, group hug! More bounce! You missed the bounce! Look at the bounce!

Me: I’m the boy.

Model: …Tyra mail!

Topo: Don’t touch the Tyra mail! It burns. Oh, special guest! Is it Buble? Nobody plates like Buble. …It’s not Buble. I hate him. Wait, it’s Enrique! Nobody plates like Enrique. You know, “don’t turn out the lights!” Tyra will hate him. Enrique!

Me: YOU’VE HAD A STROKE. WE CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU.

Topo: Ooh, dominatrixes! …Dominatri? Dominatreux? I think I heard that all wrong.

(Time passes…)

Topo: They’re gonna pick Heather! No, Sarah! No wait, Lisa. The stripper! The exotic dancer. The pole dancer. No wait, she doesn’t have the musculature to be a pole dancer. Nor the vampire vibe. Don’t hurt me, pole people.

(Pause.)

Topo: She really fierced it. She’s really fierce. But she’s got a big nose. Dear Tyra, Heather has a big nose. Has nobody told you? I am Topo. I’m fiercing out. She, however, has not brought the facials. Good night. …Yay, a pole! I love poles. Wait, that’s not a pole, it’s a pipe! It’s a man-pipe. It’s not the same. Please don’t hurt me, crazy goth girls. Wait, what does a vampire goth girl want with Enrique? Peter Murphy, I could see.

(Heather faints, gets oxygen.)

Paramedic: You need to eat tomorrow, okay?

Topo: Look at that: Tyra snaps her fingers and they go down, they go up. Arlo knows that. He could be a top model.

Me: What’s with Miss J?

Topo: I hate you. But not as much as I hate Sarah. She’s bowlegged. Knock-kneed. The weak must be eliminated! Give me those chips.

Me: Down, up the pole. You’re right, Arlo really could be a model.

(I go put bread in the oven.)

Me: I’m back! What did I miss?

Topo: Vampires are sad. It’s a fine line between hot and tracking ball.

Me: What?

Tyra: …and now we have to decide which of you is going home.

Topo: What? Since when? (pause) Ambrielle’s on borrowed time. She wasn’t in control of her sexy. –That’s not a quote from me! Alesse is coming up close behind her. It’s Sarah v. Ambrielle. Pill v. pill.

Me: Whose egg will be the loser?

Topo: (twitches) Please Tyra, do not ever do an accent again. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever.

Me: Got it.

Topo: ….Ever. (picture of Enrique comes up) Heya heya heya. Don’t forget to EEEEEET! Oooh, ikes! Are those plus-sized shorts? Where are the vampires? She’s on the bony fence.

Tyra: Chantal, congratulations.

Topo: I called it. It’s in writing.

Me: What?

Topo: It’s in writing. It’s out there. Enrique! I love you! …Wait, vampires? What are you talking about?

Enrique: CRAAAAAying out for YOO!

Topo: I won’t be doing that. The ravens are going to eat them. Oh well.

(And we’re out.)