To Be Read the Next Time I Wonder Whether My Kids Have a Touch of the OCD

My grade seven teacher, I have mentioned before, was awesome. Many of the things he taught us, whether formally or off the cuff, still roll around in my head, bouncing off the walls and popping up at the oddest times.

For some reason, one day he decided to teach us numerology. He called it “finding out your lucky life number.” We each added up our birthdays until the numbers were only one digit. My lucky life number was 9.

I was really in love with magic at the time. My interest in magic and witches had started in grade five when my almost-as-awesome grade five teacher had us perform Macbeth and I played the first witch. I started reading books about witches and began casting spells, most of which I invented myself, and all of this really came to a head in grade six, Year of Infamy. Many of my nasty peers (and teachers) were subjected to my secret witch spells. I even had a witch name but I can’t tell you what it was. Oh I remember it just fine, but if I tell you, you might be struck by a falling tree.

Learning that my lucky life number was 9 gave me something to believe in, something to hold on to, something to hook me on a lifetime of Magical Thinking. It became everything to me. The number nine was going to make everything all right. If I didn’t want to do something (jump in the pool, say) I would count to 9 first. I always took nine squares of toilet paper. From the back seat of the car, I would count telephone poles as they whizzed by; one to nine and then start again.

Eventually I had to modify this obsession because, for one thing, nine squares of toilet paper is a lot. Especially as you learn about the dying planet and the decimated forests. I allowed my number superstition to include factors and multiples of nine. Three squares of toilet paper: much more reasonable. Eighteen years old: would be the best year of my life.

Things that consumed me as a child and teenager no longer occur to me much. At least not in the front of my mind. I do still count to nine before I do something I don’t want to do.

But I am compelled, by forces beyond my immediate control, to tell you, if you are not already aware, that today is September 9, 2009, which is 09/09/09 which if you add it, equals 27 which, if you add it, makes 9.

I am not going to go put on a pretty dress and drink gin all day or anything but I do feel that little tingle I used to feel around anything 9-related.

Happy 9 day!

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I’m So Over It

Yesterday I was melancholy. It was raining and cold and at first I was melancholy because we were going to the beach for a week and while YES it is fun to play on the beach whether or not it is raining, especially if you have two identical yellow rainsuits for your children and your older child just figured out how to put on his own rubber boots, NO it is not fun for more than one day. I’m sorry. It’s not. Back in July when I was sweating my junk off in the 38C weather I thought, it had Better Not Be Cold for my beach vacation or I will bust some heads. Yo.

Turned out I was being psychic-melancholy because I had a feeling we were going to have to cancel our beach vacation and no, not because of the weather, we’re not LAME we’re just broken. Really broken.

Here’s a not-at-all funny story about skipping rope. If you skip rope and you have osteoporosis? You can fracture your spine. No, I didn’t do this. My mother did. But it’s totally my fault because I’m the one who brought over the skipping rope and showed off by skipping like three times in a row and then panting and saying, ha! beat that!

Note to self: you are not 10 years old and your mother is not 30.

Note to mom: this is not your fault.

Note to everyone else: eat your calcium!

A compression fracture of the spine heals itself, just like a broken pinky toe, but it hurts a lot worse while it’s healing and also it helps if you don’t move around too much. Since the definition of hanging out with me and my sweet children is “you will move around too much” and also since it seemed yesterday that Trombone, Fresco and I were all coming down with a cold, we canceled the vacation.

Boo!

Oh, AND my website got hacked because I didn’t upgrade to the newest version of wordpress.

Another note to everyone: you might want to do that. And then eat something with calcium.

Early in the evening I heard a story on the radio news about parents dropping off their children at university for the first time and my already-melancholy was enhanced with some good old fashioned nostalgia re: the first day of school and the first day of university and the first day of the rest of your life and how can we hold on to the nights and to the memories if our nights are 30 minutes long and our memories even shorter? My life is over and I need a red corvette right now and also a makeover.

Silly. After all, I don’t really remember the first day of university and nothing about university really changed my life and Schmutzie wrote a much more coherent exploration of the back to school topic so I just read her post, nodded in agreement, made a note to post a comment later saying so and then forgot about schools entirely and got on with my day, which involved my favourite orange bandana and talking to the children in funny voices to get them to pay attention to me

It’s amazing how quickly a regular routine with one’s small children can instantly cancel any melancholy or ability to even spend five minutes thinking about the cause of said melancholy. And for this, I am grateful.

Suddenly, one block into our walk this morning, after convincing both children that they did not want to sit on the sidewalk and stab each other with leaves until lunch time, I remembered it is the first day of school. We live across the street from a school, you see. And not just any school. A DESTINATION school. I have decided that’s what it is because at 9 am and 3 pm there are approximately 400 cars (SUVs, actually) milling about the crucial intersection like sharks in bloody water. This morning the streets were clogged with cars again after so many months of scarce traffic and the sidewalks were clogged with parents, all of whom were just standing there, staring at the doors of the school as though a tsunami were about to break through and wash us all away.

I like that there are schools nearby and that, by all accounts, this particular school is a good one, otherwise would people be coming from who knows where to attend it. Probably not? And if we still live here in 8 years, my kids will go to this school. Probably. But they will take their lives in their hands crossing the street to get there. Seriously, there is a need for crossing guards at our four-way stop because when people are driving to school to drop off their kids, they are distracted, looking for parking, looking to see if their kids are on the steps yet, looking *anywhere* except at the stop sign or at the sidewalk where I am standing, waiting patiently for them to figure out that stopping is NOT optional, even if you have a student at the school.

They stop IN, not AT the intersections. They stop in the middle of the road, double-parking, to wait for their precious cargo. They stop wherever they feel like it, looking off in the distance at that perfect spot or Joey’s mom who has a new hairdo and in doing so, they are almost hitting me. Don’t tell me it wouldn’t hurt, even at 20 kms/hr it would hurt. SUV vs. human? That shit hurts!

Dudes! I am five foot eleven and I have a fluorescent orange double stroller with Very Loud Children in it. How could you miss me? Oh you just spilled your double bullshit decaf all over your white linen trousers and your blackberry fell out of your hand? My sympathies.

Don’t even get me started on why no one is walking and all the idling engines I’m passing as I go to get groceries. I’m sure there are good reasons.

And so, courtesy of my routine and my idiot neighbourhood, my back-to-school no-vacation melancholy is officially over. All of you: get back to school. Get inside. Get out of my way.

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In Which I am A Shoe-In

I have always wanted to be made over. I believe it stems from two places: too many teen magazines growing up and a cautious approach to self-styling. I buy a lot of jeans and vee neck tee shirts and admire people greatly who can put together something more interesting.

I am a sucker for makeover type shows (or the “makeover” episode of America’s Next Top Model) I simply cannot stop watching if the Reveal is about to happen. Usually I don’t *start* watching because the Makeover has become, over the years since I started reading Seventeen, less about revealing the person behind the dated, cat-applique sweatshirt and maybe getting her split ends taken off and more about making someone Deemed Ugly into someone Deemed Pretty. Often involving surgery and painful tooth procedures and way too much exercise and dieting. That always makes me sad. And that’s also why the only show I can half-stomach all the way through is What Not To Wear because even though they are mean on that show, they don’t often make people go to boot camp for their thigh issues.

I am not about the makeover changing my life and making me a different type of person. I am about the makeover giving me access to people who are experts at hairdos and boot/skirt pairings.

I am gagging as I type all of this but so help me it is true. True confessions.

Why do I gag? Because it is so much manipulation. Eat this food, buy this deodorant, wear this shoe or you’re a victim. Who the hell needs to care what you wear or what not to wear or what everyone else is wearing? Are you an asshole or not? I would rather be driving down the highway behind a badly dressed person who knows how to use a turn signal than a well-dressed person who tailgates. I would rather work with a smart, fair person in a cat-applique sweatshirt than a condescending, lazy jackass in an Armani suit. I would rather breed with someone who wears the same shoes every day than someone who irons his clothes, not least because I hate ironing.

I think it is just curiosity, this kind of “immaculately put together people are so astounding, I wonder what it would take to get me there” wonderment that most of the time just sits at the back of my head and I am happy with who I am and how I look and then some of the time I get bored and feel like my outside could better express what was going on inside and so I generally grab a box of hair dye and regret it or cut the sleeves off a t-shirt and wince because it doesn’t ever work out the way it does in the movies. I end up expressing “bad hair dye job” or “no skill with sewing, none whatsoever” instead of what is going on inside and then I forget about it all until the next time.

Having just done this sleeve cutting hair-dying thing, I was simultaneously horrified and thrilled to find an ad in our TV Week Magazine for a
makeover contest. “Time to update your look?” it asks, snidely, next to an image of a woman with her mouth frozen in a grimace, hair tied back under bandana, rubber gloves, floral apron, in other words, ME.

Prizes (valued at up to $14,000, I am guessing for the cosmetic dentistry):

• Diet and nutrition counseling
• Spa treatments including hair, nails, makeup and body wrap
• Cosmetic dentistry
• Lingerie shopping spree
• Plus your own personal blog about your six week makeover

Free underpants! And a BLOG! I have always wanted one of those! OMFG!JFK!

I don’t know. I certainly could make a case, in 100 words or fewer, for my needing a makeover. Only some of it would be strictly true. (I really need a new bra. My teeth are kind of yellow. I come with my own pre-installed blog readers.) I am tempted to enter as an experiment, because how fucking weird would it be to get a TV Week Makeover! But then I want to run away and ignore that it even exists because the principle is so abhorrent. But then I think, yeah but how bizarre! How random! And spa treatments! And a nutritionist would go through my closets and take all the chips!

And: fail.

We’ll see.

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Ten Splendid Things About Fall

Hey, you might love summer so much you are weeping into your chardonnay right now because the temperatures have dropped and the leaves have suddenly gone all crayon-box on us.

But I also know at least some of you love September as much as I do. Here are some things I love about early Fall (you know, “early Fall”: before the dark, rainy misery of November and the 10 feet of snow we will surely get in December.)

10. Less sweat.

9. If I should need an hour of relaxing, awful television that is not so awful as to make me woof my cookies (like “Tila Tequila Looking For A Gay or Straight Lover,” for example), the television will oblige me. 30 Rock! Gossip Girl! Glee! Being Erica! Save me from reality tv, won’t you please.

8. That feeling of fun’s over, now get to work that will always accompany September. If I was going into grade seven, I might resent this but as someone who really ought to get to work, I appreciate the subconscious kick in the ass. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go sharpen some pencils for absolutely no reason except that I like the smell.

7. Wearing jeans but not having to put on socks just yet. Also, putting on the jeans and finding money, lip balm and earplugs in the pockets. My jeans come pre-stocked for every eventuality!

6. Sweaters. I love sweaters. Especially cardigans and sweater coats and old, wooly, soft sweaters and all sweaters. All of them. (And sock monkey pants.)

5. The smell of damp leaves and the sound of plants curling up to rest until next year.

4. I don’t feel nearly so lame for going to bed at 9 pm if the sun is down too.

3. Not having to chase my children around the park, spraying them with sunscreen.

2. Cooking all those old favourites; soups and stews and chilis and spaghettis and cookies and anything that involves more than one burner on the stove.

1. Drinking glasses of rich, red wine, bare feet tucked under a blanket, rain beating against the windows, talking to each other and making plans.

(Oh – bonus points for our annual federal election! Let’s all vote AGAIN and maybe this time something different will happen.)

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The Mall

When I started running with the group at my workplace, many years ago, I bought a watch for timing myself. Not wind sprints or anything but I was learning to run using the “run one minute / walk four minutes this week, run two minutes / walk three minutes next week” method and I needed something to tell me how many minutes it had been and could I stop yet because my lungs were seizing.

Running is awesome. Totally do it.

I didn’t need a special watch. I only needed a watch with a second hand but funny story:

Even longer ago, I had this great watch and then the battery died and then it needed cleaning and The Bay said, sure, we’ll clean it for $75.

Instead, I went to the watch counter at The Bay and picked up a brand new watch for $65. I chose it quickly, based on how much it resembled my old, perfectly good (but prohibitively expensively filthy) watch so it wasn’t until I got outside and was halfway to somewhere else that I looked at my new watch and had no idea if any time had passed. Because it had no second hand.

Why would you have a watch with no second hand? I guess you have more faith in your watch than I do. After the battery death and the cleaning issue, I planned to be compulsively checking the time on that bad boy and if I didn’t see any movement there would be much panicking. However, I wasn’t about to go back to The Bay that day. I moved on and quickly got used to trusting my watch and then, eventually, just using my cell phone to tell the time.

The end.

Anyway. When I started to run with the running program and needed a second handed watch, I went to London Drugs (downtown Vancouver, this is key) and bought a kids’ digital watch for $10, a Timex with a camouflage elasticized wristband. I loved that watch.

But when I had kids I a) stopped wearing either of my watches and b) stopped running, so that watch has been upstairs gathering wool for a while. Today I took it to the London Drugs in Uptown the Mizzle to buy a new battery for it.

They don’t sell watch batteries. Now you know.

They don’t even sell watches, I don’t think. I was moving pretty quickly through the store to avoid being rear-ended and t-boned by various purchasers of sale priced toilet paper and clearance summer stock but I’m certain I saw no watches.

So I bought hair dye instead. Trombone said I needed to go red and you can’t go to London Drugs and not buy something, it’s bad luck, everyone knows that.

OK, I said to my children. No watch battery for me. Let’s go to the park.

But when I got outside I remembered there was a watch store at the mall. Yes, *That* mall. (My many posts about which I cannot link to here because I am a terrible tagger and I can’t find them.)

OK, I said to my children. I know what I just said, but just one more stop, I promise.

The store at the mall is called Time Factory or Watch Land or something. It looks just like the inside of that guy’s jacket, the guy who says, “Hey wanna buy a watch?” The signs all over the store say “Watches: $12. No returns!” I have never been in the store before so I was surprised to find glass cases within which were many expensive, jewel encrusted watches that cost upwards of $50. There was also some pretty shiny jewelry in there. As in, “fairly” shiny, not “attractively” shiny. With Fresco screeching his manifesto from the back seat of the buggy and Trombone hassling me about a ham and cheese croissant from the Cobs Bakery, I asked the woman behind the counter if she could change the battery in my beloved watch. Sure, she said. $9. Come back in 15 minutes. Because, I have, you know, Customers.

I looked around. There was one woman, eyeing the Shiny stuff but if you are changing my watch battery for $9 am I not a customer? OK, I said, sure, I am Committed To Running and this watch is all that is standing in my way. We carried on and I popped into the Source (formerly known as Radio Shack, ah the good old days) store to see if they had watch batteries and of course they did but they were $6 so I made an executive decision to just let Watch Island lady do it for the extra $3.

15 minutes later, the children’s mouths stuffed with croissants, I went back.

It’s not the battery, she said. She showed me the watch. It was still dead.
OK, I said.
I’ll just get the battery back out, she said.
OK, I said.

Since the children’s mouths were stuffed with croissants and the passers by seemed to think this was adorable, I parked the buggy and went in to see if I could find a sweet $12 digital watch. Turns out, yes. Nothing as sweet as my old watch (and nothing with a brand name I recognized; the one I bought is a “Santai” and will probably give me wrist cancer) but I did manage to find one in radioactive orange, which, for me, is a win.

While I was choosing my watch an older man came into the store muttering to himself. He had a big heavy watch with him and a new battery in an opened package and he strode up to the counter and pushed it at the woman.

This watch is broken, she said. I put the battery in for you yesterday. It doesn’t work. You need a new watch.

The man couldn’t talk, he made noises that sounded like talking but they weren’t words. He was insistent. He stayed at the counter, pushing the watch at her and she kept pushing it back, all the while trying to get my old watch back together.

It’s OK if it’s in pieces, I said.
No, she said. I will put it back together. Anyway, he brought that watch in yesterday. It’s got water damage. It won’t work. I CAN’T HELP HIM.
Mine won’t work either, I said to the man. He just glared at me.
Can you come back in another five minutes? she said, sighing.

I took the children, whose mouths were becoming dangerously empty of croissant, for another spin around the mall. When we got back, the man was still there. The woman looked at me helplessly.

It’s almost back together, she said.
OK, I said.
IT DOESN’T WORK, she said to the man. He shuffled his feet a little and glared at her and did not budge.

My new orange Santai watch comes with instructions – thank god – and at first I panicked because they were in Japanese but then I turned over the piece of paper.

My favourite of the “Note”s is this:

Avoid strong shaking, the electronic watch can bear common shaking, but not wild holding or dropping onto hard surfaces.

And my favourite function, so far, is that when you press the light button, the light flashes in not one, not two, not three but FOUR different colours. In succession, like a strobe. Now how am I supposed to avoid “wild holding” with this kind of party watch? I ask you.

Running just got More Awesome.

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