OK That’s About Enough out of You, Rob Breszny

Posted on 5/31/2006 by cheesefairy

It’s new horoscope day again.

Aquarius:
In the course of most pregnancies, there is a moment when the fetus first moves in such a way that the mother-to-be can feel it. It’s often a kick or a punch. I predict that an analogous quickening will occur for you in the coming week, Aquarius. You’ll arrive at a threshold where a rite of passage will begin. It may be as subtle as a soft, billowing thump or as radical as a raucous yelp. At that uncanny moment, you’ll become aware that a new force has sprung to life. You’ll become attuned to a delivery from the future

Hmm. I wonder what the future is bringing me. (looks down) Aha! Ice cream sandwiches!

Great news for all of the other Aquarians I know, though.

Speaking of Victor Scott, did you know he is soliciting dancing for his video for “Gotta Go,” the best song of 2005? It’s true. Here are the details. Includes an MP3 of the tune so you can dance around wherever you are. And then film yourself. And then be immortalized, just like a Pussycat Doll.

In other news, the babby is dropping. No, not out of my pants, but far lower in my belly. Perhaps even into the pelvic cavity. Who knows? Not me. All I know is I’ve got that hip-swivel walk going, I actually feel smaller every day instead of bigger (don’t worry – I’m still plenty big) and my stomach capacity has returned because there’s nothing squishing it. Yay! Eating! Plus my belly button is starting to point at the ground. Tonight is a pre-natal appointment and perhaps the doc can shed some light. But if she says “ooh, you might have this baby by the weekend!” I will punch her in the face.

Seriously. I’m leaving work 3 weeks before my due date so I don’t have the babby on my last day of work. Are you listening, Rob Breszny?

These two bears were a gift from my aunt. The bear on the right was not all P.I.M.P’d out until he got to our house. I think the outfit he’s wearing was actually meant for the babby but the babby isn’t wearing clothes just yet. However, the bear on the left did arrive wearing that bunny suit. I don’t claim to understand bears dressed as bunnies, but if I pretend they’re like Kid Rock and Joe C. (rest in peace, little man) it helps. Oh and I have always, since I got my first camera at 7 years old taken pictures of my stuffed animals. This is not pregnancy psychosis.

The B. Unit:

Posted in babby, music | 6 Comments

About An Omelette

Posted on 5/28/2006 by cheesefairy

In Office Space, best movie of all time, there is one particular scene that is dear to my heart. Our hero, Peter, is talking to his next door neighbour, Lawrence, about their respective work. Peter works for a soulless software company and daily must deal with all the nonsense that infests the typical office. Lawrence works in construction. It’s been a rough day at the office for Peter and he poses the question to Lawrence:

“Hey Lawrence, if you were at work and maybe you weren’t feeling so great, would anyone say to you, ‘Looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays’?”

Lawrence stares at Peter as though several heads have sprouted from Peter’s shoulders. He replies:
“No.”
“Shit, no.”
“Hell, man, I reckon you’d get your ASS kicked saying something like that.”

And thus, Peter’s reality is reinforced to his liking: in the real world, there are no perky Cathys like the one who haunts his office. There is hope outside his bubble. He’s not crazy (Institution!) – they’re the ones who are crazy.

I explain this scene to you now because it informs my experience with the mushroom omelette.

Last week we went for a couple of days to Vancouver Island, to visit our lovely friends, their adorable children and the new PUPPY! The road to Vancouver Island is never easy or without its challenges, however we made do. All-told, considering the bus got a flat tire on the highway, it was a good journey. We arrived at the ferry terminal 2 hours after we had left home and 1 hour before the ferry was scheduled to sail. At this point, my salivary glands rubbing together in glee, we went to a local restaurant for Restaurant Breakfast. Bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, ketchup, HP Sauce, the whole deal.

Inexplicably, when faced with the menu at Trolls, I ordered a mushroom and cheese omelette. (inexplicable because I am really quite addicted to bacon and obviously there is no bacon in a mushroom and cheese omelette. Perhaps I was thinking that the mushrooms would be healthier? Or perhaps I wasn’t thinking at all.) Saint Aardvark ordered the bacon and eggs and he claimed to be willing, if called upon, to share his bacon with me. He’s no dummy.

We waited, chatting idly and drinking our grapefruit juice. A while later, our breakfast arrived. His: bacon and eggs and hashbrowns and toast. Mine: a massive omelette, hashbrowns and toast. I drooled with anticipation and picked up my cutlery. And discovered within the lovingly folded omelette what I would declare a food travesty: a small farm’s worth of raw mushrooms looking up at me.

Oh there were LOTS of mushrooms. They hadn’t skimped on the mushrooms. I could barely see the cheese around all the mushrooms. But those mushrooms were plain old sliced up Money’s White Button and they had not been exposed to the wonder of heat, butter, salt or pepper. Nay, they had been taken right from the fridge and barely acquainted with the egg before being enveloped and plated.

Like an arranged marriage, which sometimes work out okay but not always, I’m sure.

I looked at the omelette. I looked at SA. I looked back at the omelette. The mushrooms hadn’t become any more cooked in the interim. In other circumstances, I would have sent it back. But in this circumstance, a) I was going to start gnawing on my own hand in a minute, as breakfast Part I, consisting of a bowl of cold cereal, had been several hours earlier, b) it would probably take at least as long again to get a different breakfast, time we just didn’t have and c) I thought I might burst into tears if I tried to explain why this omelette was So. Very. Wrong. So I ate it. Grudgingly.

I tried to see both sides. It occured to me to wonder if maybe I was the errant one, if all these years I have been sauteeing mushrooms before eating them and people have been giving me sideways glances, thinking, “Yii, that girl is CRAZY, yo!” So I asked you, th’internet.

Thank you, all, for helping me to know that it’s not me, it’s them. That there is a right way and a wrong way. And to Truckdrivingchef, who offered the equivalant of “No. Shit no. I reckon you’d get your ass kicked [for doing] something like that,” as an answer.

Posted in food | 2 Comments

In a Perfect World

Posted on 5/26/2006 by cheesefairy

We all – well, we who wanted to could put signs up in our places of work that say:

Information gladly given but safety requires avoiding unnecessary conversation.

This was posted next to the bus driver’s head on the bus to Horseshoe Bay this past weekend and it delighted me, not only because I frequently feel sorry for bus drivers, being trapped in their seats by the Crazy, but because HELL YES! this is office-appropriate.

I am making one for my last week at work, complete with glitter glue, cut-out foam animals and, of course, Tiny Rotating Knives. Also I have augmented so it reads “…YOUR safety requires avoiding unnecessary conversation.”

Posted in outside | 1 Comment

This Is Why I am Faithful to Rob Breszny’s Horoscopes

Posted on 5/25/2006 by cheesefairy

Because he knows things.

Aquarius: Your power animal is the queen bee, which lays up to 2,000 eggs a day in the spring. Like her, you are stupendously fertile. In fact, you’re capable of so much creative expression that it could take months for you to ripen all the new life that you’re now spawning. Just because you have this potential, however, doesn’t guarantee that you will use it well or completely. There’s a first important step you can take to help ensure that you do: Treat yourself with the same care and reverence and optimism you would a woman who’s nine months pregnant.

I will attempt to use the word “stupendous” more often. It is underused and underappreciated and I’m always looking to revive such words. My use of “fantastic” has, of late, become more sardonic than enthusiastic, making me sound too much like a road-weary Bill Vanderzalm.

Posted in outside | 6 Comments

A Little Poll

Posted on 5/24/2006 by cheesefairy

If you order a Mushroom Cheese Omelette for breakfast in a restaurant, do you expect the mushrooms within the omelette to be:

a) cooked
b) uncooked

?

Posted in food | 17 Comments