We Had Joy, We Had Fun, We Had Beer and Ba-Con

Posted on 5/19/2007 by cheesefairy

(My apologies to Terry Jacks for the post title.)

First. No more long trips with almost 11-month old. For the plane ride to Ontario, 2 weeks ago, Trombone was terrific. We plyed him with crackers, cheerios, fruit, books with pull-back-tabs, toys he hadn’t seen before and he bought it all, hook, line and peek-a-block. Then, we stuck him in a carseat every day and drove all over the place. We had a few clues that his tolerance for “hey, want a cracker?” and other such distractions had grown to monstrous proportions. There was the day, earlier this week, when we drove for a measly 4 hours and he spent one of those hours saying, “Ma-ma-ma-mAMAMAMA-ma-ma-ma-ma-MA!” no matter what we offered. There was also the tossing of distractable offerings over the edge of the carseat. And the refusal to fall asleep in the van, even to the sweet strains of his grandmother doing chickadee calls (dammit, it worked great the first week!)

It’s amazing how quickly kids grow. 2 weeks ago he was a baby who liked to move around some. Today on the flight home, he was a squirmy, twitchy toddler who, when I tried to prevent him from petting the toupe of the man in front of us, bellowed, “MAWAMAMAWABOBOTHBBBBBBT!” (seriously the babbling is starting to scare me. It sometimes sounds so angry, like the mentally ill people who talk to themselves in doorways downtown. MumblemumblemumblemumbleQUARTER!mumblemumbleDAMNYOU!mumblemumbleWHATAREYOULOOKINGAT! That’s what is sounds like! From a cute baby!) startling everyone on the plane from their ginger ale stupors to cast wary glances our way.

“Is your kid gonna yell the whole way?”
“Not if you give him your toupe to play with.”

5 hours and 20 minutes is a lot of time. If we ever go to Europe, we are taking the train. The Europe train.

But then, oh, then, we landed in Vancouver, the very best city to land in. It’s all green and blue and today a little grey but bright with promise. And we got off the plane and put Trombone in his stroller and he delighted in no longer being trapped in our arms and we delighted in no longer having to wrestle him between us while he smeared us with cookie and slobber and bellow.

Second. I am so tired. We got up at 4:25 this morning. No, it’s not that much earlier than the 5 am of the previous several days (baby’s fault) but it also is, you know? 5 am is in one category and anything that starts with “4” is in a different category.

We had a fabulous vacation. There were so many people and so much bacon. I can hardly believe it’s been two weeks. Except that our house feels incredible because we stayed at 3 different houses over the two weeks we were away and nothing says comfort like your own kitchen with your own chips in it. I opened all the cupboards this afternoon, finding things I’d forgotten. “Crackers! Popcorn! We’re RICH!”

Trombone did the baby equivalent. He crawled around like a mad thing and exclaimed over each of his forgotten toys.

“O! Penguin Lego container! O! 40 bazillion other books I love! O! My maracas!”

O! It is a fine thing to be home.



Posted in food, home, music, trombone | 6 Comments

Uh

Posted on 5/13/2007 by cheesefairy

What do I say now? It’s been a week since I posted and I’m in a different province, at a dining room table across from my father-in-law, who is also posting to his blog. I think.

For a few days we had dial-up internet. Those were bad days. Then, we got high speed and wireless at the same time! Holy cow!

In the past week I have had:

– a fair bit of coffee
– quite a lot of wine and beer
– several square meals and very little exercise
– my picture taken
– my baby cooed over
– several Tim Hortons bacon sandwiches and a couple of cups of TH coffee
– a long plane ride
– a long car ride
– many short car rides
– poutine!
– not enough sleep
– hugs
– sunshine
– the opportunity to buy SHOES!
– fish and chips
– a dip in a hot tub

Is there anything else you want to know about Ontario? Once again it’s 10:30 pm and I’m not in bed yet. Not because I’m not tired, no. Because I am dumb and I am enjoying the wireless access and the peace and quiet.

We saw a grave today that belonged to the Tickles. There was a dead chipmunk lying next to it.

And. For Mother’s Day, from Saint Aardvark, I received two books. One of them is called “Meditations from an Old Rocking Chair Volume 4,” by Marion Jean Patterson. Here is some of it.

Aren’t baby ducks adorable? We have a pair of mallard ducks on the farm and about a week ago the mother, after sitting so patiently on eggs, hatched four ducklings. There are three dark brown ones and the other is a sunny yellow. And wouldn’t you know, he is the ringleader…The wee yellow duckling is a show-off and always stands for a few seconds on the edge of the pool, to be sure everyone sees him before diving in. We have kept them in an enclosed pen on the lawn at night for fear of predators but last night the parents led them straight into the barn, where they were hatched, as if to say, they have been infants long enough and this is their home. I watched them marching in and said a little prayer for their safety from a hungry racoon.

The other book is called “The Diva Principle.” But I cannot share it with you as I am still learning its secrets. All I can say is that DIVA stands for “Divine Inspiration for Victorious Attitude.” I will keep you updated as I learn the principle.

Oh and our minivan is silver and has tinted windows. So I can make faces at people on the 401 who are picking their noses in traffic and they will never know!

Posted in outside, shoes | 4 Comments

When I Hit the Room, Shorties Stop and Stare

Posted on 5/5/2007 by cheesefairy

We are taking our first-ever airplane ride as a family today. Then, when we’ve landed, we will be touring the great province of Ontario in a minivan, whose colour has not yet been determined. I’ll keep you posted. There will be grandmas and grandpas and great grandmas and aunties and uncles and cousins big and small. There will be beer. There will be warm weather and Tim Hortons. There will be a hot tub and a cheese factory. When I write those two things in the same sentence, it icks me out.

My apologies to Arwen, who, if her son is still obsessed with a certain local radio station, will have heard this song a quadzillion times already. But I keep hearing it when I’m driving and it never ceases to make me laugh out loud. (In a respectful way, Mims. Mr. Mims.) I am only laughing because no one has broken it down for me in such an easy-to-understand way before.

This is why I’m hot
This is why I’m hot
This is why
this is why
this is why I’m hot

I’m hot because I’m fly
You ain’t [be]cause you[‘re] not
This is why
this is why
this is why I’m hot.

Friends, I present: Mims. (Who, according to the comments below this video at Youtube, is very short. I was stunned to learn this.)

Posted in music | 3 Comments

The Devil You Know

Posted on 5/1/2007 by cheesefairy

To: Power that is
From: Cheesefairy

Subject: Our agreement

Hey, PTI. Just wanted to follow up on the delivery of

– 5 quarts Ben & Jerrys Cherry Garcia
– 4 litres red wine
– 3 boxes Triscuits
– 2 bars good chocolate
– 1 suitcase full of Twizzlers

as per your request (demand?) of January, 2007.

Did you receive the box? I was under the impression that once you received the box, you would fulfill my request. You know. The one about the teeth.

Please let me know as soon as possible.
Many thanks and all hail.
cheesefairy

To: Cheesefairy
From: The Power That Is
Re: Your mail

the twizzlers were stale. Deal’s off. Thought you got that email. My bad.

To: Power That Is
From: Cheesefairy

Subject: Teeth Request (again)

Hi PTI. No, didn’t get it. Too bad about the Twizzlers. Sorry about that. It seems like such a small thing – couldn’t we re-negotiate? My kid is in agony and he is really making ny life a living hell. It’s been 3.5 months since the first teeth came and everyone keeps saying “any day now” but I really don’t think they’re going to come without your help.
Let me know how I can help you help me.
All hail,
C

From: THE Power That Is
To: Cheesefairy

Re: Teeth Request (again)

they’ll come any day now! LOL!

From: Cheesefairy
To: Power That Is

Re: Teeth Request (again)

I’m glad you’re so amused. Maybe I should bottle the tears that have been shed in our house over the last 3.5 months and send them to you? Is that the kind of incentive you require from me so that you will DO YOUR JOB?

I don’t mean to get combative but I’m at my wit’s end. YOU are the tooth devil. YOU are the only one who can make this happen. And you’re holding my child’s development hostage why?

Seriously. Grow up.
C.

From: THE Power That Is
To: Cheesefairy

Re: Teeth request (again)

hey. where’s my all hail?

From Cheesefairy
To: Power That Is

Re: Teeth request (again)

I can only assume that because I haven’t heard anything from you re: my last email (I don’t consider “hey. where’s my all hail?” a response) that you are ignoring me and my family. I know you have seen my sons gums bulging in the sunlight. I know you know he has FOUR of those bad boys in there, making his head ache, making him drool, making him gnaw on my shoulder like a misguided vampire. I know what your living room looks like, with the 4 foot wide TV with the picture-in-picture so you can watch everybody’s surveillance cameras while you keep up with Dr. Phil. So what gives? Where is your sense of decency? You HAVE to let the teeth through eventually. It’s your job.

I’m disgusted with you.
C.

From: THE Power That Is
To: Cheesefairy

Re: Teeth Request (again)

Bitch. GIVE ME MY ALL HAIL.

From: Cheesefairy
To: Power That Is

Re: Teeth Request (again)

GIVE ME MY TEETH.

From: THE Power That Is
To: Cheesefairy
CC: Tooth Fairy
BCC: Big Boss

Re:Teeth Request (again)

Listen, you brazen lump of flesh, I don’t have to GIVE YOU anything. I grant. I permit. But I do not give. You know, I could decide that your son’s teeth are never coming in. I could file some paperwork and contact the tooth fairy, let her know that her services will not be needed at your house. Yeah, she’ll be pissed because she needs that money to buy trinkets for her puppies but she’ll respect the paperwork. Everyone respects the paperwork.

Speaking of paperwork, did you know that starting next fiscal year, formal tooth requests will be required before any infant teeth are allowed to break gum? It’s true. New government; new policy. So maybe I’ll just wait until next fiscal year, hmm? Then where will you be? Will all your tears be saved up in that bottle still or will you have MOVED THE HELL ON.

This email is intended to warn you that your son’s top four teeth are expected on May 5th at approximately 11 am pacific time. On one condition. Acknowledge this email with an ALL HAIL.

Sincerely yours,
The Power That Is
MSc, CGA

From: Cheesefairy
To: Power That Is

Re: Teeth Request (again)

Fuck you. You KNOW FULL WELL we will be 30,000 feet above the ground, halfway across the country that day.

All hail.

Cheesefairy

Posted in trombone | 6 Comments

There is No Love

Posted on 4/30/2007 by cheesefairy

The other day I was in the same room as a Globe and Mail newspaper. I picked it up. I read the STYLE section. Why did I do this? It always hurts to read the STYLE section of the GLobe and Mail. First there’s Leah McLaren. Then there’s reviews of restaurants in Toronto. Even though it’s the West Coast edition of the Globe and Mail. Why do I care about restaurants in Toronto? Then there’s a column called “Mommyblogger.” And this week there was also an article about shoes.

So ballet flats. They’re in.

They’re in style. In STYLE. I knew this. I knew this because I went shoe shopping many weeks ago and fell quite stupidly in love with a pair of ballet flats. They were not the only pair for sale. Hmm, I thought. Guess flats are “in” this year, since these ones cost $179 and I’m pretty sure they’d cost less at a dance shop.

Nevermind. The Globe and Mail had a great, new take on the ballet flat, and, I would argue, on fashion in general: what do The Men think? Of ballet flats? On women?

Guess what? The Men think that flats are lame. Women should wear heels because it makes them look better. Women, that is. Because of the leg-enhancement. Makes The Men look better I guess because a well-dressed woman is a man’s best accessory!

One guy interviewed said that he has a deal with his fiance. If she wears heels on their dates, he pays for the cab.

(I am leaving

lots of spaces

between my lines of text

for the vitriol.)

Anyway, that guy might have been kidding. And the other guys – well, I am pretty much not in the game anymore and even if I were, I would not be reaching for that rainbow. You know, the one represented by the male reader of the STYLE section of the Globe and Mail. But then, at the bottom, a small quotation.

I respect a woman’s right to wear whatever shoes are comfortable, said this quotation. But flats? Are not sexy. They are anti-sexy. Was it Evan Solomon? Ben Mulroney? Randy Bachman? No, it was not. It was Jian Gomeshi.

I felt like you do when the boy you like does something that cracks the gold finish on the statue you were building of him in your backyard. Maybe he admits he likes “Deal or No Deal.” Maybe he wears a trucker cap 3 years too late. Maybe he says, with a straight face, “Hey, I don’t wanna sound like a queer or nothin’, but I think unicorns are kick ass!” Whatever he does, you suddenly realize: this boy is not cool. I thought he was cool, but he is not cool. I am cooler than this boy. Why was I wasting my time building a golden statue? I should build a golden statue of ME! I am COOLER THAN THIS BOY!

Makes me wonder what he thinks of hairy armpits. Perhaps Goddessa will write him a letter and let you all know.

Posted in media, shoes | 3 Comments