The Devil You Know

To: Power that is
From: Cheesefairy

Subject: Our agreement

Hey, PTI. Just wanted to follow up on the delivery of

– 5 quarts Ben & Jerrys Cherry Garcia
– 4 litres red wine
– 3 boxes Triscuits
– 2 bars good chocolate
– 1 suitcase full of Twizzlers

as per your request (demand?) of January, 2007.

Did you receive the box? I was under the impression that once you received the box, you would fulfill my request. You know. The one about the teeth.

Please let me know as soon as possible.
Many thanks and all hail.
cheesefairy

To: Cheesefairy
From: The Power That Is
Re: Your mail

the twizzlers were stale. Deal’s off. Thought you got that email. My bad.

To: Power That Is
From: Cheesefairy

Subject: Teeth Request (again)

Hi PTI. No, didn’t get it. Too bad about the Twizzlers. Sorry about that. It seems like such a small thing – couldn’t we re-negotiate? My kid is in agony and he is really making ny life a living hell. It’s been 3.5 months since the first teeth came and everyone keeps saying “any day now” but I really don’t think they’re going to come without your help.
Let me know how I can help you help me.
All hail,
C

From: THE Power That Is
To: Cheesefairy

Re: Teeth Request (again)

they’ll come any day now! LOL!

From: Cheesefairy
To: Power That Is

Re: Teeth Request (again)

I’m glad you’re so amused. Maybe I should bottle the tears that have been shed in our house over the last 3.5 months and send them to you? Is that the kind of incentive you require from me so that you will DO YOUR JOB?

I don’t mean to get combative but I’m at my wit’s end. YOU are the tooth devil. YOU are the only one who can make this happen. And you’re holding my child’s development hostage why?

Seriously. Grow up.
C.

From: THE Power That Is
To: Cheesefairy

Re: Teeth request (again)

hey. where’s my all hail?

From Cheesefairy
To: Power That Is

Re: Teeth request (again)

I can only assume that because I haven’t heard anything from you re: my last email (I don’t consider “hey. where’s my all hail?” a response) that you are ignoring me and my family. I know you have seen my sons gums bulging in the sunlight. I know you know he has FOUR of those bad boys in there, making his head ache, making him drool, making him gnaw on my shoulder like a misguided vampire. I know what your living room looks like, with the 4 foot wide TV with the picture-in-picture so you can watch everybody’s surveillance cameras while you keep up with Dr. Phil. So what gives? Where is your sense of decency? You HAVE to let the teeth through eventually. It’s your job.

I’m disgusted with you.
C.

From: THE Power That Is
To: Cheesefairy

Re: Teeth Request (again)

Bitch. GIVE ME MY ALL HAIL.

From: Cheesefairy
To: Power That Is

Re: Teeth Request (again)

GIVE ME MY TEETH.

From: THE Power That Is
To: Cheesefairy
CC: Tooth Fairy
BCC: Big Boss

Re:Teeth Request (again)

Listen, you brazen lump of flesh, I don’t have to GIVE YOU anything. I grant. I permit. But I do not give. You know, I could decide that your son’s teeth are never coming in. I could file some paperwork and contact the tooth fairy, let her know that her services will not be needed at your house. Yeah, she’ll be pissed because she needs that money to buy trinkets for her puppies but she’ll respect the paperwork. Everyone respects the paperwork.

Speaking of paperwork, did you know that starting next fiscal year, formal tooth requests will be required before any infant teeth are allowed to break gum? It’s true. New government; new policy. So maybe I’ll just wait until next fiscal year, hmm? Then where will you be? Will all your tears be saved up in that bottle still or will you have MOVED THE HELL ON.

This email is intended to warn you that your son’s top four teeth are expected on May 5th at approximately 11 am pacific time. On one condition. Acknowledge this email with an ALL HAIL.

Sincerely yours,
The Power That Is
MSc, CGA

From: Cheesefairy
To: Power That Is

Re: Teeth Request (again)

Fuck you. You KNOW FULL WELL we will be 30,000 feet above the ground, halfway across the country that day.

All hail.

Cheesefairy