Thankful

Dear Children,

Even when you get up too early and sing all the time I can see, intellectually, that it’s a good thing. Much as I might want to sleep longer and have the world be quiet, I can’t help but think that in the long run, being early, cheerful risers will endear you to at least 50% of the population.

And the other 50% now has advance warning and can avoid you.

(who would want to avoid that squishy adorable baby? HMMMMM?)

I am thankful for you kids. Even when I feel like a shell of a person, you have the ability to huddle up in the shell with me and help me feel less hollow.

(Fresco — self portrait with flash)

And you might not know it, but you are thankful for each other. Trust me.

(Conversation that followed this picture:
Fresco: Trombone, if I’m asleep tonight and I get too uncomfortable, I’m going to come sleep with you!
Trombone: Uh, no you’re not.
Fresco: Yes I am! You have a comfortable bed!
Trombone: So do you. Don’t come in my bed when I’m sleeping. Just don’t.)

Fresco, today you were delighted to learn that it’s Thanksgiving. HAPPY THANKSGIVING! you hollered. I have always considered Thanksgiving a nicely positioned long weekend and also a good excuse to make stuffing, whether or not there is turkey, but your good humour, like your many viruses, is infectious.

Trombone, at school this week you made a cornucopia. I said, a what? You said, a horn of plenty, mom. You coloured the vegetables and glued them to the horn and were absolutely delighted with yourself. I am absolutely delighted with you.

You are both so smart and weird and funny and sweet and healthy and happy and I love you. And I would never leave you by the side of the road for someone to pick up. Never.

(your father took this picture. I was cleaning the house or something something womanly arts.)

Happy Thanksgiving, Canada!

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Writing Like I Talk

I drink a lot of coffee. Well, not a lot. Two cups in the morning, sometimes a third if it’s a special day. Oftentimes I have a cup of tea in the afternoon. Black tea, that is to say, no milk in the tea. I also like red wine. Do you see where this is going?

I have stained teeth.

Maybe I have normal teeth. They look yellow to me. Other peoples’ teeth look like dominoes without the dots. Like fresh snow. Like gleaming cliches.

The last time I went to the dentist, the hygienist cleaned my teeth and I looked up at her very thick, false eyelashes. (They are like caterpillars.) After she finished polishing my teeth, and had done the fluoride treatment, and I had rinsed and spit in the sink, I asked her, “What do you think about the stains? My tooth stains?”

Because I had seen some photos of me, smiling with my mouth open as I do, and my teeth were appallingly yellow. Not oh those ladies in the commercials have whiter teeth than me and also their vaginas smell like honeysuckle, but WOW! Manila envelope!

And she said, the hygienist, “Well, you could bleach them. You can buy tooth bleach at the drugstore. But your teeth might get more sensitive. Only use it twice a day.” Or something. I don’t know what she said. I had already decided to go buy tooth bleach at the earliest opportunity.

Which, since my kids were at my mom’s house, turned out to be right after my appointment. I scooted to WalMart and discovered that a) tooth whitener is $50 a box! Because I guess it is made of rare donkey testicle? and b) they keep it locked up because people STEAL tooth whitener. That part makes sense, because it is so expensive, but also doesn’t make sense, because it’s TOOTH WHITENER. Not crack. Are there really people so desperate for whiter teeth? Or are the people just so pissed off that the commercials make it look so easy when in fact it will bankrupt you.

I bought the kind that was on the shelf. It cost $10, because no one wants to steal it.

Now you might think: no one wants to steal it because it doesn’t work! But I don’t like talking to people. I didn’t want to ask a WalMart pharmacist for tooth whitener that cost $50. Those things considered, I would rather buy the thing on the shelf for $10 and hope that it WILL work.

It is a very complicated accounting, that of my brain.

The point of this post is not actually my teeth and how white they are. They are not significantly whiter. I used the stuff a few times. Twice a day for a week or so. They were definitely less yellow, but I could also see them sort of..eroding. I don’t think long-term use is intended, at least not with the cheap brand.

The $10 tooth whitener is some peroxide and a little rubber mouth tray. You put the bleach in the tray, the tray in your mouth, and then you clamp your mouth down on it and look vaguely chimp-like for five minutes while it bleaches. It tastes awful. It tastes like poison. It is poison. On a different shelf at the drugstore, it’s for your hair, or your mustache, or your fungus. But in this box, for $10, it is for your teeth.

This morning, 8 months after that dentist’s appointment, I remembered the tooth whitener and I decided to bleach my teeth. Yes, I question my timing too. It was 8 am and the kids were gathering around my skirts, except I don’t wear skirts, tugging, asking me things, wondering what I was packing for lunch, wondering why I wasn’t talking. And I couldn’t tell them because I had a rubber tray coated in peroxide jammed in my mouth. I could just mime and grunt and raise my eyebrows and wave my hands around. Good thing I’m half Italian.

At one point, Trombone started laughing, in that exasperated, almost-hysterical way, and said, “I have NO IDEA what you are talking about! Because you aren’t talking!”

It was much quieter in the house when I wasn’t talking. Not because I make so much noise, but because *they* talk more when I’m talking. I got to pee and rinse my mouth out in peace. But there was something kind of unnerving about the quiet. It was unnatural. Our house is loud. It just is.

Later I read a post at Seth Godin’s blog about writing like we talk; as in, we talk a lot in a day, and we get better at it. (some of us. I am not convinced of this, personally) And if we wrote as much as we talked, we would get better at it.

I haven’t been writing. I haven’t wanted to. I have taken up sketching instead. I decided that instead of beating myself up about not writing when I should be writing, I should just not write, but do something else entirely. Drawing. With pens and pencils. Yes.

Seth says, “If you’re concerned with quality, of course, then not writing is not a problem, because zero is perfect and without defects. Shipping nothing is safe.”

Turns out I’m not horrible at drawing.

I do miss writing though. When I’m not writing I have no idea what I’m talking about.

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Doom / Gloom / Begone

This week was better than last week, which was better than the week before.

It’s a hard thing to remember, that it’s better, when you’re late for school because the week three Kindergarten child is practicing Operation: Stalling and when you finally get everyone in coats and shoes, about to leave at the last possible minute because you were planning to drive, yes, even though it’s three blocks, because after Kindergarten you are taking the other child to preschool, you realize that your house/car keys aren’t on the hook where you left them so you wander the kitchen frantically muttering dammit dammit under your breath, trying not to let the children hear you.

It turns out your husband took your keys as well as his own and is on his way to god knows where for a staff retreat OVERNIGHT and you are out of panic and into adrenalin so you drag the children by their ever-so-reluctant hands up the four miles, I mean three blocks, to school, passing by three other moms skipping happily back home already. The moms look at you and say, “Oof, bad day?” and you realize that you must look about as frenzied as you feel, and as sweaty, and you suddenly are acutely aware that you skipped the shower because you’re going to run later, when both kids are in school, which is happening today.

It is happening. Today is the day you get ninety minutes to yourself: OK, now it’s only seventy-five minutes but that’s OK. It’s still happening.

You parade your child to the school office where he peers up over the tall desk at the school secretary who asks his name and hands him a late slip and then you walk him to class and run back down the hill with the other child so that you can get your keys from your husband who has now, very apologetically, returned from his halfway-to-retreat point. You are fifteen minutes late to preschool, which is not bad considering you got stuck behind a garbage truck for three blocks, but at least you don’t get pulled over by the cops, because you forgot your wallet at home.

SEVENTY-FIVE MINUTES. You will be damned if you give that up without a fight.

So you hug the smaller child and thrust him into the classroom and don’t stop to chat with the other parent who is skulking around the doors — just GO, buddy, just GO — and you run to your car and drive safely — don’t get arrested, don’t get arrested — home and change your clothes and find that your husband left the music player behind — bless him, although you would rather he’d left the keys in their place — so you can take it with you out into the crisp, autumn sunshine, through the dewy forest across the street from your house, warming up your muscles so that you can run, run, run, for half an hour, till the sweat soaks you and your skin goes that bright red colour that scares people, run, run, run home to a cold shower and a change of clothes again, some cheese and crackers and a bottle of water and back to the preschool — wallet! — where your little one hands you a calendar for the month of October, a huge grin on his face: I have a calendar mommy! My very OWN! I ate all my snack! And I played the marble run and let’s go run in the playground!

You run in the playground. The sun is warm, and it is 11:30, and the other mothers are relaxed, and you are too, and the whole day just turned around.

You see a kitten staring at something across the street. You follow his gaze, try to see what he is looking at. It’s a squirrel, half a block away. You briefly consider the possibility of kittens being hypnotized by mastermind mice; having chips inserted into their kitten brains to make them focused to the point of recklessness.

That is funny.

You take your child to the library and he picks one comic for him and one for his brother, one easy reader for him and one for his brother, and then makes his way, with help, to the P section where he pulls Dav Pilkey’s The Adventures of Big Dog and Little Dog off the shelf and stage-whispers, “My favourite book!”

After lunch, you nap on the couch and your child is quiet, goes upstairs, comes back. When you pull the pillow off your head he looks up from his spot on the floor, completely nonchalant, and says, “Oh I was just doing a maze.” Sure enough, his purple crayon has traced an entire point-a to point-b.

When you pick up your older child from school he is brandishing his first school library book. It’s called “Fairy” and is the story of the bad-ass motorcycle-riding tooth fairy. He beckons a friend over and flips to the page where the fairy waves her wand at some boys and knocks their pants down around their ankles. He and his friend laugh uproariously.

At suppertime,your older child has a handful of candy for dessert. He lines them up: red, orange, red, orange. “It’s an A-B pattern,” he says. “Pardon?” you say. “That’s something we learned about at school,” he says, “you can do it with kids. Boy / Girl / Boy / Girl. I did it with red and orange.” He pops them in his mouth, smiles a sick, candy-stuck grin.

For some reason, all of this is miraculous. This clear sky after a rainstorm, this good sweat on tight skin, this finally cracking neck after weeks of left-right-left-no-not-quite-there. Lungs full of air.

Like one of those cheap, rubber bouncy balls, you hit the ground really hard and now you’re bouncing back up. Watch out for trees. Enjoy the view.

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Control

I hate being read to.

I know, I’m supposed to love it. People love it. I saw a facebook post years ago that listed ‘reading to your partner’ as the biggest turn on of all, even more than doing the laundry or taking the children away for a day. Wow, would that ever not work for me. I reckon I would smack your face if you started reading to me in bed. Shut up! I have my own book!

Reasons cited by those who love being read to include: feelings of security, coziness, being nurtured. We are read to when we are children and we make positive associations with it, and what a treat, to rest our eyes and just let the words wash over us.

No. No. No. First of all, most people read at the wrong pace. They either read too fast, or they do that slow…poetry reading…STYLE of … reading … where we are meant to … really … HEAR every nuance. They have voices that sound like nails on chalkboards, or they have voices that sound like they are sneering at us, or they have voices that should just remain in their heads because if they were meant to be SPEAKERS they wouldn’t be WRITERS now would they?

It isn’t how the words sound in my head. Only my head knows how the words are supposed to sound.

In other words, I can’t be satisfied. I just don’t like being read to.

(It occurs to me now to hope that I never go blind.)

I like reading, silently, to myself. I don’t mind reading aloud — as long as it’s not my own writing. I try to pace myself and not do the poetry reading thing. I try to do funny voices. I am not a children’s librarian or anything but I enjoy reading books to my kids.

I was walking along, the other day, thinking about this, and wondering when it changed. When I went from being someone who loved being read to by her parents to someone who has to be reading the words either to herself or to someone else. I wondered idly if it was when I learned to read. Whether, when I got the chance to run with the words myself, I no longer wanted or trusted anyone to tell me what was on the page.

Whether, in other words, it is about control. I started kindergarten having already learned to read. By all accounts, I was frustrated with the lack of progress in my peer group (I have a February birthday). Having observed three weeks now of kindergarten behavior I (need a spa vacation) would say that my five year old’s main issue at the moment is Control.

Who has it, how to get it, how to display it when you get it, when to rescind it. Janet Jackson has nothing on my son.

I wonder if I made some sort of quiet, subconscious slip into I AM THE READER NOT YOU, BUCKO when I was the same age, if it was the best way for me to get what I needed. I mean, I can be kind of a control freak. I know this. And I have observed that when I release my control on my kids, they behave much better. Like sand in your hand, the harder you squeeze, the less sand you end.. up … yeah that doesn’t make any sense but I bet you know what I mean.

I wonder if it’s too late now to remove my own, fairly well-developed control muscle. If I stop using it, it will atrophy, but how do you stop using something so wonderful? Or just keep it at “healthy body” levels of development as opposed to “winning the body building competition, all greased up and wearing a tiny bikini” levels of development?

Tips welcome.*

* But don’t say “take audio books out of the library” **

** Oh wait, I’m trying to control your response now. Never mind.

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Second Week of School — It Goes Deeper than Pants

This is a public service announcement if you, like me, had no idea that starting kindergarten would* turn your child, who was already challenging and testing you, into an Other Child.

(An Other Child is when your child turns into something else entirely, prompting you to say things like, “I want to talk to Trombone. Can I please talk to Trombone?”)

* It might not. I don’t know what it depends on. He only went for a few hours a day last week so it’s not that it’s All Day Kindergarten that is messing with him. Maybe it depends on whether or not you have a younger sibling at home who keeps telling his big brother what exciting things you did with him, just him, that day, while the older child was at school. Maybe it depends on your child’s ability to make friends quickly and conquer social anxiety or just not have any social anxiety in the first place.

Maybe it depends on whether or not your child enjoys being told what to do, because if your child does NOT enjoy being told what to do, but still has the manners to do it when an adult who is not related to him tells him what to do, he will leave school every day with a bug up his ass approximately the size of Cleveland.

Ohio, that is.

And then, he will slowly, carefully, ease that giant bug out of his ass, and then he will show it to you.

“Admire my bug,” he will say.
“Hmmm,” you might reply.
“ADMIRE IT,” he will say.
“OK, nice bug,” you will say.
“IT’S NOT A BUG IT’S A SANDWICH.” He will say this at great volume.
“I..I thought it was a bug?” you will say. You will hesitate. This is as it should be.
“HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT. LOOK AT IT. IT IS OBVIOUSLY A SANDWICH.”
“OK,” you say. You might start backing away at this point. “Nice sandwich.”

He will then kick the wall or pound the couch or scream.

“Are you angry about the sandwich?” you might ask. Yes, it is a dumb question. A week ago, this sort of question would have been just right. Now, it is gasoline on the fire.
“IT. IS. A. BUG.” he will say. He will glare at you. He will be genuinely, acutely angry with you. Hint: not about the bug. “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU.”

A better woman than me would take her credit card and buy a one way ticket to Las Vegas. I have not done this, mainly because I do not have a valid passport. I stuck around and had the argument and tried to reinforce the boundaries and got a lot of attitude for my trouble.

At this, week two, I am cautiously optimistic. After two days of support from my Good Cop partner (to whom I got TOLD ON on Saturday) and a good idea of how much stress and emotional upheaval we’re dealing with, I am pretty sure things are going to level off.

But just like no one told me about that chunk of placenta that made its way out of me three days post-birth, no one told me about the total *cursewords times one hundred* storm that is the beginning of school. People said, “Oh it will be a transition!” People said, “Boy, it’s a change all right!” People did not say, “Buy a case of wine and earplugs and a helmet that covers your chin because this is the granddaddy of all big changes since your kid left the birth canal.” So I am saying it. You are welcome!

That said, if it gets worse from here? I am not sure I want to know.

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