The Cheeseblog

With the handy use of my personal video recorder, I was able to condense the bloated 2-hour season premiere of America’s Nextnextnextnextnext Top Model to 1 hour and 10 minutes. Handy, this, as I had foolishly made plans to go out this night and was home not in time to watch live, too early for bed but not SO early that I had 2 hours to spare.

Thus, I could observe the hijinks of the 36 semi-finalists, shake my head at their terrible interview skills (Failed Contestant: “I want to, like, give all my modeling money to charity and save the poor people!” Tyra: “Y’all wanna save the poor people but you still all Blinged out in the Prada!! What’s the last kind of community service you did?” Failed Contestant: “Forget everything I just said!” Tyra: “Bling! Blingity! Bling Bling Bling!”) and then skip the tears and breast-beating when the failures were sent home to their mommas and focus on the 13 I already knew were finalists because DUH I went to the website yesterday.

We – and by “we” I mean me and co-worker A – didn’t want to pick our winners before actually watching the first show because that would be so superficial. And America’s NNNNN Top Model is about keeping it Real and Blinging It On.(TM) So I’ve got my two favourites and then, below, the ones I think actually stand a chance of winning.
My Top Two, then:
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Is it wrong to buy someone a wedding present and then not give it to them?

OK, what if it’s chocolates and it’s only PART of a wedding present? The other parts being less edible and more special?

What if it’s the same kind of chocolates that they gave away at their wedding, as favours? Then I would really be doing the sensible thing by not taking coals to Newcastle, so to speak. Because after your wedding, do you want to eat chocolates? No – you probably have lots of leftover chocolates, because you wouldn’t just buy enough for exactly as many guests as you were expecting, right? And they would be your favourite kind because you chose them! I probably didn’t buy their favourite kind. That’s bound to be disappointing and then they might re-gift the chocolates and probably not to me because I got a lovely floral arrangement that appears to be bound to live forever.

How about if I haven’t had a chance to drop off the gift yet, so the chocolates are almost a week old? Is it wrong to eat them then? I think it’s better to eat them, because they are High Class chocolates that have not been refrigerated. They have just been sitting in a gift basket with the other gifts, under my kitchen table, taunting me clear across the city while I’m working. While I’m working I hear them. They sing.

What if I promise not to drink the wine I bought them, also in the basket?

OK…

What if I promise:

• not to drink the wine I bought them,
• to re-pot the dying plant I brought home to save on Labour Day weekend (that’s almost 3 weeks ago, you know),
• and to stop the editing frenzy that has resulted in 0 (zero) posts actually being posted here in the last 10 days?

Oh and of course I solemnly swear to obsessively watch America’s Next Top Model and Martha Stewart’s Apprentice and write lengthy comparisons of the two.

To start us off right, check out these shoulders on contestant 13. Good Gracious! Did she bust right through her sleeves?

And here’s Kim, allegedly the lesbian contestant. Or is it Billie Joe Armstrong. You decide.