With the handy use of my personal video recorder, I was able to condense the bloated 2-hour season premiere of America’s Nextnextnextnextnext Top Model to 1 hour and 10 minutes. Handy, this, as I had foolishly made plans to go out this night and was home not in time to watch live, too early for bed but not SO early that I had 2 hours to spare.
Thus, I could observe the hijinks of the 36 semi-finalists, shake my head at their terrible interview skills (Failed Contestant: “I want to, like, give all my modeling money to charity and save the poor people!” Tyra: “Y’all wanna save the poor people but you still all Blinged out in the Prada!! What’s the last kind of community service you did?” Failed Contestant: “Forget everything I just said!” Tyra: “Bling! Blingity! Bling Bling Bling!”) and then skip the tears and breast-beating when the failures were sent home to their mommas and focus on the 13 I already knew were finalists because DUH I went to the website yesterday.
We – and by “we” I mean me and co-worker A – didn’t want to pick our winners before actually watching the first show because that would be so superficial. And America’s NNNNN Top Model is about keeping it Real and Blinging It On.(TM) So I’ve got my two favourites and then, below, the ones I think actually stand a chance of winning.
My Top Two, then:
Lisa
When I saw Lisa’s pictures yesterday I was all, uh-uh, somebody punched her in the nose and then cut her hair into that terrible haircut that I have personally endured way too many times on my own head. But then when she was on the TV, she was this enjoyable, frank, cool woman. With a tough shell and a gooey centre. Can’t wait till the makeover episode. Will they cut it all off or give her extensions? I’m hoping for extensions. Bright red ones.
and
Nik
Nik likes gumbo and cheese. She is also, like Lisa, 5’8″. I think her full lips are better proportioned to her face, unlike Sarah’s, where the big lower lip and skinny upper lip really freak me out for some reason. I liked Nik from her pictures and when she talked, I think it was good, though I don’t remember anything she said. She may be too boring, but there is the cheese factor. Someday when I have lots of time, maybe I’ll graph out the success of ANTM contestants against their claimed favourite foods.
From just the photos, I liked Jayla (maybe too ordinary?) and Nicole. But Nicole is being portrayed as Very Annoying, which can only mean that she will be one of the throw-away “character” contestants, like Big Gay Kim (she’s gay for sure now; she came out to America!) and Plus-Sized Diane and Freaky Texan Pageant Superstar Cassandra with the non-conscience and the slightly sloping forehead.
Of course, it’s not about who is the most beautiful or who has the most Fire Sauce; it’s about who is the most malleable, who grows the most, inside and out, and who comes farthest from where she started.
But if I had to bet money on it:
With these terms in mind, I choose troubled yet resiliant Lisa to win; giant-shouldered, canteloupe-lipped (I’m quoting one of the girls in the limo, here, shortly after Kim got attack-snogged by same lips) Sarah to place; and the girl with the Frida Kahlo eyebrows, Coryn, to show.
Which brings us to Tyra. Did she get implants or is she not wearing a bra or what’s going on? When she came out onto the deck during the meet-n-greet at the beginning of the show, she did that “whoooot! I’m Tyra! Love me! I-scored-a-touchdown!” dance and her boobs went whooooah over to the left and YIKES! DUCK! over to the right as though she’d strapped giant water balloons on under her blouse. She almost flattened little Jay the makeup guy.
This season, er, Cycle, I am picturing one of the contestants making Tyra so furious by Being Tyra at Tyra that Tyra recognizes herself in this girl and pulls this girl’s face into Tyra’s huge bosom and almost smothers this girl out of anger. And then Tyra realizes what Tyra has become: a control freak with insecurities so deep she continues to try to work them out, year after year, on innocent, young Tyra-bees from all across America whilst claiming she wants them to be the best Tyras they can be. Really, SHE is trying to become the best Tyra she can be, and falling just short every time.
Having realized this, Tyra will lose her shit on her own TV show, apologize to everyone and bow out gracefully in a slow motion montage featuring before and after pictures and music from Coldplay. And then she will make Cycle 5 be the final Cycle and then I can stop watching.