Narcolepsy

Posted on 8/23/2006 by cheesefairy

OK, question: will this linea negra ever go away? This woman from my prenatal group said she scrubbed hers off in the shower. But 1. I never shower anymore and 2. No, sometimes I do, but my line hasn’t come off. Perhaps her husband drew hers on while she was sleeping? Linea eyelinera, anyone?

Speaking of that woman, she is totally not my friend. She and another woman from prenatal group invited me to be their New Mummy Friend and Trombone and I took two buses and a skytrain to meet their Kitsilano asses for coffee two weeks ago. And then she never called me. They were going to meet up every Tuesday. Two Tuesdays have passed. I have been officially declared Not Cool Enough to be a Kitsilano Mummy Friend.

No, I can’t call them.

Because! I hate calling people!

And plus we had nothing in common. For example, I shared a story about how I had fed Trombone at the bus stop on my way to meet them for coffee. I believe I used the phrase “whip out the boob” and described with delight how the bus stop faced the train tracks (at the new VCC-Clark Skytrain Station, for you Vancouverites) and I got to use my leopard print bra to welcome the VIA Rail passengers to Vancouver. Shortly after, the conversation moved to stylish, discreet public breastfeeding, complete with a viewing of the one woman’s hooter hider.

And. They are never coming to New Westminster and I cannot bear the thought of going to Kitsilano with any sort of regularity. Unless it were to see a friend. I do know people in Kitsilano who are nice.

Anyway. Yesterday I went downtown and had lunch with a cool woman with whom I have more things in common than the hooter hiders. Now, I probably won’t see much of her either (though I hope I do) but that’s because she is just finishing up her year of maternity leave while I am starting mine.

Two weeks ago, when I last took transit, Trombone appeared to really enjoy it and by enjoy I mean “fell asleep so his mother could stare out the window in peace and occasionally swat at the hands of strangers who were reaching in his stroller to stroke his sleeping cheek.” But yesterday? 2 weeks wiser? No ma’am. He napped for a bit on our way downtown, then woke up on the skytrain (approximately 1 pm) and stayed awake until, um, let’s see: 7:30 pm (and no, he was not at his most endearing for those 6.5 hours holy crap can the kid scream when he’s tired and is it ever a long walk uphill [both ways! really! it’s New Westminster!] home from the skytrain station) when we put him in the swing and then we took him out of the swing at 9:30 and took him upstairs and put him in his bed and he slept until 5:20 am.

He has continued to sleep all morning, with a couple of awake hours here and there. And now I have this song in my head, even though the lyrics are not strictly applicable.

****************

Dear Arwen,
Thank you for lending us the Swing Of Magical Powers. May the peace you have facilitated return to you one-million-fold and may you someday have laundry facilities that are not a block away because holy crap, woman, 10 loads of laundry?

ps: I promise to stop saying “Holy Crap” so much.

The End.

Posted in outside, trombone | 20 Comments

It’s OK, Everyone Relax

Posted on 8/18/2006 by cheesefairy

BH 90210 was back today. It was even the next episode, where Dylan and Kelly have to resolve that they have feelings for each other before Bhrendah returns from Frahnce and her thwarted love-on with Neek. (as it turns out, Neek had no clue she was actually from Beverly Hills, so my original title, “America is Stupid” stands. No offense, America. Canada is stupid too. Canada made “Neon Rider.”)

Beach, early morning. Dylan and Kelly lie next to one another in separate sleeping bags.

Kelly: …are you saying because we didn’t make love that I should feel like less of a bimbo?
Dylan (angry): How can you say the words “make love” and “bimbo” in the same sentence?

A question for the ages, that.

Posted in television | 1 Comment

The Order Has Been Disrupted

Posted on 8/17/2006 by cheesefairy

I was watching Beverly Hills 90210 this afternoon, an episode I remembered from the first time, 10 years ago. I title the episode: “America is Stupid” because it’s the one where Brenda, who is in France studying French while Kelly canoodles with Dylan back in BH, tricks a boy from Wisconsin into thinking she is a French Hottie by affecting The Worst French Accent Ever and the guy totally falls for it and slurps after her all over Paris. I think his name is “Neek” (Nick) and now that I am taking a minute to reflect, I might remember that at the end we all learn that he wasn’t fooled for a second and was only playing along to get in Brenda’s neekers but I don’t know what happened in the end for sure, why? Because halfway through, in the middle of a conversation between Steve (in an orange muscle shirt) and Dylan and Kelly (acting all casual but not fooling anyone) the tv went Blurp and suddenly I was watching Neon Rider. You know, the show with the guy with the ranch for troubled teens? and the horses for bonding? and the hair?

Not Okay. I mean, it’s bad that I’m watching TV at all on such a beautiful day and it’s even worse that I’m 32 years old watching BH 90210, especially such a horrible episode. But NO ONE wants to watch Neon Goddamn Rider. (and the preview said that at 4, instead of “Ellen” [which I do NOT watch]? It would be Due South. Did the CRTC get ahold of TVTropolis’s balls or what? If this is a permanent change, I will be writing letters, mark my words.)

However, while I was recovering from the abrupt change of scenery and trying to remember the name of the show, I was treated to the best cheesy car chase. Number one: soundtrack was Colin James singing “T for Trouble” from his self-titled debut album from 1987 (I think & am too lazy to fact check because you don’t care anyway). Number two: car chase started in the back alley behind Burnaby Street and Thurlow in the west end; continued over the Granville Street bridge and two or three scrreeeeeetches later they were at Hastings and Clark on the east side. If you’re not familiar with Vancouver, that’s like if you put a ham sandwich in your pants and then, two minutes later, it popped out of your ear, partially digested.

Posted in television | 5 Comments

In Which I Do Go On

Posted on 8/12/2006 by cheesefairy

“The cheeseblog sure went south after she had that baby. I hardly even go there anymore except to see if there are any more pictures.”
“I know. She used to write about reality. You know, even the posts about cheese were good. At least they had purpose.”
“But now – first she’s gone to, like, once a week posts.”
“…and then they’re all ‘Blah blah blah, babies, boobs, blah blah blah.’ Doesn’t she know there’s a war on? And public transit still sucks! And there’s shitty pop music everywhere you look? The world is ripe with interesting subjects to write about. Replete. Great word, huh? Replete.”
“Right on. Yeah, you popped out a kid. Good for you. Like no one’s ever written about THAT before. And who needs more boob stories? Maybe 10 years ago, before the internet, but not now. I read so many blogs, I know as much about lactation as any nursing mother. And I’m a guy!”
“Totally. What she needs to do is 2.0 her blog. She really needs to take it to another level. There’s a path, right?”
“Totally!”
“…and she can either take the right turn or just keep veering left.”
“The left veer is a dangerous road. I gotta say, that’s a killer road. I’ve seen a lot of good people go down that road.”
“Today mommy took me to the petting zoo! I sure liked the rabbits! Then I crapped my pants again!”
“Oh dear god. Don’t let her go down that road.”
“What would be better?”
“I’m thinking a change of voice. First person is so 1.0.”
“Totally.”
“Maybe a voice-over. A written voice-over effect. That’d be rad.”
“Rad?”
“Rad.”
“Uh, man, ‘rad’ is, like, 0.5.”
“Shut up, it’s at least 1.5.”
“I don’t know…”
“Trust me. I was at Star*blogger ’06 last month and the keynote speaker was that kid who came up with the plugin that reads your plant’s mind and transcribes it into a blog post…”
“The interactive one?”
“Totally 2.0. Anyway, he said ‘rad’ like every third word. It was inspirational.”
“Rad.”
“Damn right.”

The dudes in my head can be real asshats sometimes. But they’re cute, they mean well and they remind me to watch Beverly Hills 90210 every day.
Continue reading →

Posted in serious, trombone | 6 Comments

New Oath

Posted on 8/3/2006 by cheesefairy

Last week a news program was doing a story on Prime Minister Stephen Harper. A sound clip played of his swearing-in ceremony and as he spoke in his soft, frightening tones, I discovered my new favourite oath:

Stephen Joseph Harper!

For example:

Stephen Joseph Harper, it’s hot! or
Stephen Joseph Harper, would you stop flailing so I can fasten your diaper! or
Stephen Joseph Harper, has that baby really been sleeping for 7 hours?*

I think it’s just as catchy as my favourite oath from several years gone by: Sweet Chilliwack Corn!

* no, we don’t expect it to happen again anytime soon, but this morning when we woke of our own free will at 5:15 after 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep, Stephen Joseph Harper, were we confused. **

“Did you feed the baby in the night?”
“Not unless I slept through it.”
“I thought I must have slept through it.”
(stare at baby, who is just beginning to stir)
“Huh.”
“Huh.”
“I have bigger ta-tas than Pamela Anderson!”
“Sweet Chilliwack Corn, you’re right!”

** and lest you curse us and our blessed luck, know that the 2 hours preceding the baby going to sleep last night were a gory scream-fest of epic proportions, where the catt almost succeeded in cutting off his ears with a small switchblade he keeps under his pillow for emergencies and SA’s parents went for a long walk which just happened to end at a Holiday Inn and haven’t been seen or heard from since.

Ha! I jest. But let’s just say we earned that 7 hours off.

And in the wise, experienced words of Sarah, It’s a good thing they’re cute.

Posted in outside, trombone | 5 Comments