One Month Old

…and doing his best Elvis impersonation…

Trombone has been enjoying the kisses of his far-off grandparents, who are in town for 10 days. Though you cannot spoil a baby, you can spoil his mother and I am getting very used to someone doing my dishes and pouring me coffee and jiggling the baby incessantly while I pluck my eyebrows.

No, not really. The eyebrows part, I mean.

Last week’s final doctor’s appointment at the Birthing Program revealed Trombone’s weight at 11 lbs 8 oz. “Just feeding him breastmilk?” said the doctor. She said the same thing at our last visit. I know they’re curious about whether I’m supplementing with formula but I almost replied, “hmm…except for the ice cream floats.”

At about 2 weeks, my civilized eats-every-two-hours-and-naps-in-between baby started eating non-stop and not sleeping because could you sleep with all that eating to do? This lasted a day – then he slept for a day and ate sporadically – then he did it all over again. It culminated last Tuesday in a serious eating marathon and now I watch apprehensively for signs it might happen again.

In the case of the baby who eats all day and sleeps all the next day, there is a reason: it’s a growth spurt. The reason behind the growth spurt behavior is that the baby feeds more frequently to stimulate more milk production. The more suckling goes on, the more milk is made. It’s a marvellous system except for the day after, when the baby sleeps all day and I, unwilling to wake a sleeping baby because we’re both so tired from the day before, sit stunned and staring at my enormous ta-tas which have responded admirably to the call for More Milk.

(In scouring the internet one-handed, but not for the usual reasons, I found a wealth of information; some from the La Leche League, some from Moxie. However, almost everything I search for is met with an apologetic shrug and the explanation that Babies Do That, which wreaks havoc with my need for a reason. I’ve taken to making up my own reasons, as a survival measure.)

So apparently, Babies Do That. They do it at 3-4, 6-8 and 10-12 weeks and sometimes at other times. The reason I’ve invented is: to give their mothers something to write about on their internet weblogs.

Thanks be to the gods for permitting a break in the hot weather during which I could dress Trombone in clothing at least once before he goes to kindergarten. It was so hot – and he gained so much weight from all the ice cream – during his first month on earth, that all the newborn clothes and some of the three month size are going back in the box for some other, reasonably sized baby. But I have put two sleepers to use in the past few days – the white one pictured above and the stripey one below:

which is not only cute because it’s bright and fuzzy but because it provides entertainment for those who spend lots of time staring at The Baby’s Backside while he sleeps:

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It Goes On Your Head!

The other day we saw a confounding commercial, the entirety of which consisted of an enthusiastic woman saying, “It goes on your HEAD!” interspersed with pictures of people putting something..on..their…heads. Or thereabouts. This repeats maybe 6 times. Who knows what the product is or what it’s for. But we know that it goes on our heads. And that may be all we need to know.

Also, on CNN? There is a weatherman on called Reynolds Wolf. Best name ever. Well, since Trombone.

Fergie has a solo song. I thought I was hallucinating when I saw her dancing up against a London guard in the video. But no. London Bridge, it’s called. Here is a taste:

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit
When I come to the clubs, step aside
Pop the seeds, don’t be hating me in the line
V.I.P because you know I gotta shine
I’m Fergie Ferg
Give me love you long time

All my girls get down on the floor
Back to back drop it down real low
I’m such a lady but I’m dancing like a ho
Because you know what, I don’t give a f***
So here we go!

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge want to go down
Like London London want you to go down
Like London London be going down

I have no idea what she is on about, but maybe it’s supposed to go on my head?

Moving on! Thanks to Jurgen, I now know about MC Hammer’s blog. (Celebrities use Blogger! They’re just like us!)

Trombone is 3 weeks old and we haven’t broken him yet. Though sometimes he seems concerned. Then I tell him it goes on his head and he feels better immediately.

It is TOO HOT to be breastfeeding. I thought June would be the perfect time to have a baby because of how hot it wouldn’t be when I was pregnant. Silly me. Actually, December/January might be the best time to have a baby because then you would be in your 2nd trimester (the best ever) in the heat of summer, plus you’d have a little bitty oven to warm yourself on 8-12-16 times a day. Depending on the baby’s appetite. Mine is huge. The nurse came by & weighed him last week. 10 lbs 15 oz. That’s almost 2 lbs he’s gained. His rolls have rolls and those rolls have their own area codes.

Since it got hot, we’ve been staying inside. (Except yesterday when we went to Metrotown for the air conditioning, which just made it more cruel to come home on public transit.) Saint Aardvark has been sponging himself off with a wet facecloth, just like Marlon Brando. And because it’s the weekend and The Weekend CBC hurts me, Trombone and I have been sitting on the couch and listening to CFOX, where, apparently, it is the ’90s all over again. Today I taught Trombone to rock out to Soundgarden. We both smell like a mosh pit anyway; might as well act the part.

Posted in music, television, trombone | 4 Comments

I Wish This Was Fiction

Scene 1: 12:58 pm. 2.3 week old Baby sleeps. Young Mother has eaten lunch and prepares to consume 1st cup of coffee of day. Hopes coffee will make headache go away.

Young Mother: Hm. Where is the remote control? I wish to watch television with my coffee…
(searches in vain)
Oh well. I will turn on the tv and see what’s on…
(turns on TV. TV is on local Fox station. A commercial states that new Vagisil feminine wash is “gynecologist-tested.” What if gyno is a man? Who does he test it on? Also, YM doubts any gyno worth his/her speculum would recommend vaginal wash. VAGINAS ARE SELF-CLEANING, PEOPLE. JUST LIKE YOUR COLON.)
Baby: Hello! I’m awake and I’m hungry…
YM: OK, hold on…
Baby: I DON’T THINK YOU HEARD ME –
YM heads back to couch, picks up Baby before he gets all Snakes on a Plane on her ass
YM: Righty, here you go, then
Baby: Murfle murfle grunt

Scene 2: Two minutes later, Baby feeding happily, YM looks up at tv. It’s Maury! Fuck!
YM: Fuck!
Baby: murfle, velociraptor-seizing-prehistoric-rat-squeal
YM: Argh! I can’t move! And it’s goddamn Maury!
Maury: Today, on Maury (points at self)
Woman: My man cheated on me with my sister!
Sister: You shut up you bitch ho!
Man: You both shut up, I am smirking because I done nothing wrong!
Maury: The lie detector test states…you DIDN’T sleep with her sister!
Sister: See!!
Man: See!!
Woman: Damn, I’m sorry!
Sister: I don’t care! Keep your apology!
Maury: HOWEVER…the lie detector test also states…you DID cheat last year, 20 times!
Woman: Damn, man, you DIDN’T!
Sister: Here, girl, let me hug you…
Maury: After the break, this woman who is blind but who SENSES her man is cheating on her…we have to help her out…
YM: ARGH…can’t move. Can’t find remote. Can’t watch Maury. Can’t NOT watch Maury.

Scene 3: Baby finished eating; now asleep in that half-sleep where if YM puts Baby in basket, Baby will wake up. YM must wait until Baby is fully asleep.

TV: You’re watching Maury! After Maury, Jerry Springer. And after Jerry Springer, another hour of Maury!
YM: Help me I am in hell.
Maury: This woman has a 3-week old baby girl
(picture of 3-week old baby girl with one of those frilly brain-bands on.[does that site really suggest using the headband as a wedding garter? Is that what they’re suggesting?])
Audience: AWWWWWWW!
Maury: She says the father’s mother is interfering in their lives and told her son not to accept responsibility for his daughter
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
Young TV Mother: He won’t acknowledge his daughter!
Young TV Maybe-Father: I did! I did! I went to the doctor’s appointments and everything!
(YTVMF breaks down in tears. Maury goes over and hugs him)
Young TV Maybe-Father’s Interfering Mother: She’s a liar! A liar! She had sex with another guy and it’s HIS baby…it looks just like him…
(another shot of baby. It looks like any 3-week old infant with a frilly headband on)
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
Maury: The paternity test says: YOU ARE the father!
YTVMF and YTVM weep and hug. YTVMFIM puts her arms around them.
YTVMFIM: Don’t cry for sadness, cry for happiness now! Be Happy!

Scene 4: Baby is asleep. YM places Baby gently in basket. Baby stays asleep. YM shoots television with high powered rifle she keeps under the couch. Baby wakes up. YM doesn’t care.

the end.

Posted in television, trombone | 6 Comments

Dispatch From Week Two

I had a nightmare. I ran into my breasts in a dark alley and they beat me up and stole all my candy, then ran laughing into the night. Havoc-wreakers! It has been a challenge to regain my balance after so many months trying to keep my posture straight with a giant belly; suddenly I am top heavy like a, like a, well, like an adult movie actress. The leopard-print bra doesn’t help, probably. Oh – didn’t you know? Is there anyone I had not yet told about the leopard-print bra? Stylish, understated (except for the leopard-print part…) and so very comfortable. And though it may look wussy to those of you who may be more naturally endowed than I am, it comes in “DoublePlus” sizes too. How can that be bad? Exactly. DoublePlusGood.

OK let’s stop thinking about my breasts now.

Trombone continues to eat, sleep, poop and pee his way through life. I am pretty much doing the same. But I shower occasionally, too.

The thing no one told me about babies is that when they sleep, they make faces. At 11 days old, Trombone is too young to be smiling, frowning or giving me the evil eye. But when he is in that blissed-out milk-fed REM sleep, his little face does its exercises and we catch a glimpse of what he will look like in a couple of months when he really is smiling. This little preview makes up for the unholy screams that leave the child’s mouth any time (approx 10x a day) his genitals are exposed for cleaning & re-wrapping. Good God! I’m not going to cut it off, l’il Freud – I just want to clean it!

I call this one “Come and get it, Stephen Harper”

Posted in outside, trombone | 7 Comments

But I’m Not Even Supposed to BE Here Today!

This entry written in Log Form because I have been keeping track of feedings, poop and pee in Log Form so that when the many community health professionals call me to ask how many feedings Trombone has had in the last 24 hours I have a ready answer and they don’t take him away.
Oh, PS, this is a detailed account of my labour. But there’s a cute picture at the end; feel free to scroll right down.

Continue reading

Posted in trombone | 15 Comments