I Wish This Was Fiction

Scene 1: 12:58 pm. 2.3 week old Baby sleeps. Young Mother has eaten lunch and prepares to consume 1st cup of coffee of day. Hopes coffee will make headache go away.

Young Mother: Hm. Where is the remote control? I wish to watch television with my coffee…
(searches in vain)
Oh well. I will turn on the tv and see what’s on…
(turns on TV. TV is on local Fox station. A commercial states that new Vagisil feminine wash is “gynecologist-tested.” What if gyno is a man? Who does he test it on? Also, YM doubts any gyno worth his/her speculum would recommend vaginal wash. VAGINAS ARE SELF-CLEANING, PEOPLE. JUST LIKE YOUR COLON.)
Baby: Hello! I’m awake and I’m hungry…
YM: OK, hold on…
Baby: I DON’T THINK YOU HEARD ME –
YM heads back to couch, picks up Baby before he gets all Snakes on a Plane on her ass
YM: Righty, here you go, then
Baby: Murfle murfle grunt

Scene 2: Two minutes later, Baby feeding happily, YM looks up at tv. It’s Maury! Fuck!
YM: Fuck!
Baby: murfle, velociraptor-seizing-prehistoric-rat-squeal
YM: Argh! I can’t move! And it’s goddamn Maury!
Maury: Today, on Maury (points at self)…
Woman: My man cheated on me with my sister!
Sister: You shut up you bitch ho!
Man: You both shut up, I am smirking because I done nothing wrong!
Maury: The lie detector test states…you DIDN’T sleep with her sister!
Sister: See!!
Man: See!!
Woman: Damn, I’m sorry!
Sister: I don’t care! Keep your apology!
Maury: HOWEVER…the lie detector test also states…you DID cheat last year, 20 times!
Woman: Damn, man, you DIDN’T!
Sister: Here, girl, let me hug you…
Maury: After the break, this woman who is blind but who SENSES her man is cheating on her…we have to help her out…
YM: ARGH…can’t move. Can’t find remote. Can’t watch Maury. Can’t NOT watch Maury.

Scene 3: Baby finished eating; now asleep in that half-sleep where if YM puts Baby in basket, Baby will wake up. YM must wait until Baby is fully asleep.

TV: You’re watching Maury! After Maury, Jerry Springer. And after Jerry Springer, another hour of Maury!
YM: Help me I am in hell.
Maury: This woman has a 3-week old baby girl
(picture of 3-week old baby girl with one of those frilly brain-bands on.[does that site really suggest using the headband as a wedding garter? Is that what they’re suggesting?])
Audience: AWWWWWWW!
Maury: She says the father’s mother is interfering in their lives and told her son not to accept responsibility for his daughter
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
Young TV Mother: He won’t acknowledge his daughter!
Young TV Maybe-Father: I did! I did! I went to the doctor’s appointments and everything!
(YTVMF breaks down in tears. Maury goes over and hugs him)
Young TV Maybe-Father’s Interfering Mother: She’s a liar! A liar! She had sex with another guy and it’s HIS baby…it looks just like him…
(another shot of baby. It looks like any 3-week old infant with a frilly headband on)
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
Maury: The paternity test says: YOU ARE the father!
YTVMF and YTVM weep and hug. YTVMFIM puts her arms around them.
YTVMFIM: Don’t cry for sadness, cry for happiness now! Be Happy!

Scene 4: Baby is asleep. YM places Baby gently in basket. Baby stays asleep. YM shoots television with high powered rifle she keeps under the couch. Baby wakes up. YM doesn’t care.

the end.