Can’t. Look. Away.

OK, I think I’m going through a bad phase. Lately I’ve been unable to turn away from internet drama. Recently I found Trainwrecks, where the worst blog trainwrecks are collected for your wicked, perusing pleasure. Then, this morning, I was browsing the folks who made the cut to the 2nd round of the Canadian Blog Awards (the cheeseblog not among them but thanks all for voting!) because it’s easier to check out 5 blogs than, say, 45, and I visited Raymi the Minx (Best Blog nominee) and was greatly amused and then I read one of her posts where she addressed a hater and I followed the link to the hater and then got tangled, like, I have seriously lost feeling in my ankles, in the comments section. She’s got it all: grammar and punctuation police, pro-life vs. pro-choice, highbrow vs. lowbrow. And yes, I am going to add to the traffic. Enjoy! Or, you know, stay away if this isn’t your thing.
Reading for the strong of stomach and the free of time.

PS: SNOW DAY!

Posted in bloggity! | 7 Comments

Sweet Baby – Week 21

This was an exciting week chez cheesevarkbone. (That sounds nasty but I’m leaving it. Moving forward.) First, there were the 5 days of extended bedtime – I honestly can’t say which I prefer; the previous week’s I-need-2-extra-awake-hours-for-kicking-practise-bedtime or this week’s OK-I’ll-sleep-when-you-tell-me-but-will-wake-up-anywhere-from-2 – 5-times-after-that. Actually, what I prefer, which is not a listed choice, is going to sleep on time, sleeping till you’re done and waking up smiling. That’s what I prefer.

Because nothing says love like a baby that has slept enough, chatters to himself while he’s waking and kicks his feet and grins when you come in the room. Nothing. Not cell phones that flip, not truffles and champagne, not Willem Dafoe, not Air Supply. Nothing.

Second: Someone finally got his toes in his mouth and is now officially kicking my hiney at yoga. We have daily yoga-battles and he always wins. Well what else are we going to do all day?

Third: Someone also really enjoys lying on his front. Sometimes he drools a small lake and then looks down and admires himself in the reflection.

Fourth: Yesterday morning, the baby was different, looking at everything like he was seeing it for the first time. I carried him around the house and he held on the nape of my neck with one hand and held his other hand straight out, wanting to grab and lick everything we passed. It’s so neat to watch all the little bits of his brain fuse together. I like to imagine a little welder in there, working 9 – 5 every day, getting all the bits attached in all the right places, making things happen like “Hey, it’s a CAT!” “Hey, it’s that CAT AGAIN!” (At that point he’s already ahead of the catt, brain-wise. The catt discovers the baby for the first time roughly every three days.) It almost makes the weird sleeping worth it.

Of course, today was the baby’s first exposure to snow. It confused him, which made us so proud! Our baby is a real west-coaster! Then we went to Tim Hortons and stuffed him full of crullers and hot chocolate so his eastern grandparents don’t disown him.

We went to the western grandparents’ house for lunch today and Trombone tried his first carrot. Actually, he licked his first carrot. When it was taken away from him, the hot, blue pokers of death descended and he reacted accordingly.

The kid likes: butter, chewing on your finger, being addressed in a slightly condescending tone (if you say: “awwww, poooor baybeee!” he will laugh) and being upright.

The kid doesn’t like: when you take your finger away, the left boob sometimes, the right boob sometimes, sitting in an infant seat.

Luckily, we just inherited a non-Jolly Jumper thingmadooby. Many splendid photos of an upright, happy baby will surely follow.

Posted in trombone | 3 Comments

Well, Now, It’s the First Snow!

How do you top the Love Penguin?

It’s snowing in the Mizzle. Big, fat, dusty flakes of snow are swirling in the lights over the highway. Allegedly, we are bracing for a big snowfall. I am so confuddled about what day or season it is, I’m truly stunned that we can have a big (don’t laugh, non-Vancouverites; 30 cm is big enough to cripple us) snowfall today and tomorrow. Sure, today is November 26th edited to add: See what I mean? It’s the 25th. The 25th! Sigh. but what does that MEAN? And why am I so cold all the time?

I came across someone’s ‘blog (can’t for the life of me remember where) recently and she wrote that the first x number of weeks of motherhood was like one long day. I feel that. Intellectually, I know it’s November. Almost December, in fact. But I feel like someone stopped the hands on the clock in late June. I don’t have any framework for the passage of time. In my house, everything looks much the same because I am staring at it all the time.

One long day; with bathroom and lunch breaks and sometimes sleep and sometimes less sleep and little victories and few, far between – moments where I want to quit this job and give the baby back (but to whom? I don’t know! That’s the hell of it, right there!) and re-do my resume and put on my job-hunting pants and get out of this house.

One long day; I get smaller, the baby gets bigger, SA’s beard gets bushier, the catt, well, he’s just a catt. I feel like I’m in a flip-book with a slightly different picture on each page. You flip it real fast and we just live our lives at normal speed and suddenly we’re putting the fireplace on not to amuse the baby but to keep ourselves warm. While it snows. I should put a sweater on over this tank top I guess.

Speaking of armpit hair, it was recently brought to Goddessa’s attention that Canada Post has gravely offended one of Goddessa’s great pals, the Golden Aardvark. GA purchased a very important item from an online retailer and had his purchase shipped to him via Canada Post. Weeks passed. GA checked his tracking number with the online tracking system of Canada Post’s website and the information provided indicated that a delivery had been attempted to his address and a notice-card left. (There was no such card.) Furthermore, the website provided a link to information about the post office where GA’s package was being held. (The link to the post office location said, “Error. No Such Location.”) GA wrote an email to Canada Post’s customer service department and asked about his alleged notice-card. 7 days later (7 days later!) he received a reply saying his package had been successfully delivered to him. (Patently untrue!) When he checked his tracking number on the website again, the information had been updated and now stated that he had not claimed his package, therefore it was being returned to sender. Incensed, he called Canada Post’s toll-free help line, only to be told to call back on Monday, during business hours.

Canada Post, you are shamed by the agreeable ponies of this great nation who, without argument or promise of reward, would happily carry mail more efficiently and with more accountability than your incompetent and unapologetic “system.”
Canada Post, you done been smote!

Everyone’s Christmas cards are coming by Fed-Ex; damn the expense!

Posted in bloggity!, Goddessa Smites You, trombone | 1 Comment

Won’t You Please?

OK you have to go to this link and then tick the box that says “will you be my penguin” and then hit submit to read the best. poem. ever.

How I love teenagers.

Posted in funny | 5 Comments

I Finally Found Myself! And Other Things!

That’s what I get for lying to the Myers-Briggs tests for the past 20 years. Today I told the truth and discovered I’ve been an INFJ all this time. Apparently, ALL INFJ’s lie to personality tests.

There are two flattering descriptions to choose from. The first one, found here, refers to me, er, MY TYPE, as Counselor Idealist and that makes me feel very Important.

Checkitout, I’m rare:

The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions.

and have an

…unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative.

It’s so TRUE!

I also enjoyed the poetic description here:

Perhaps it is when the INFJ’s thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit.

I’ve been telling people that for years! My sardonic eye isn’t even looking at you. I’m just THINKING.

INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ’s arsenal and the most vulnerable.

Comrades, now you know how to defeat the INFJ! Attack her Sensing!

What I want to know is: how did they discover that other INFJ’s include Mother Teresa and Chaucer? (there’s a list of “other xxxx’s” at the bottom of the description page for each type) I mean, Tom Selleck I’m willing to believe has done a Myers-Briggs in his life. But Chaucer? Aristophanes? Is there someone sitting around analyzing all of Chaucer’s old letters, notes, Myspace page, going, Yup. He definitely would have had a neat, orderly workbench. For one of the other types, they listed “Mary, Mother of Jesus.” Hanging out in Bethlehem, waiting for the contractions to get stronger, doing the Myers-Briggs. I’m so sure.

In The Other Corner

Today the sign on the store that said “Mediterranean Delights: Opening Soon!” was gone and it was finally open. Delightedly, I entered the store and was somewhat disappointed by the stark whiteness of it all. There were several shelves full of olive oil and a couple bags of pita bread and a case with huge deli meats (on sale for the grand opening) – you know, those HUGE HEADS of cooked ham that are just the wrong shade of pink and who cares if it’s $0.99/100 grams because nothing should be that shade of pink. Nothing edible, anyway. The surly young man in the white apron did say hello and when I scanned the store quickly, already planning my hasty retreat, he did ask if he could help me find something. Instead of saying, “Uh, all the delight, actually. I don’t seem to be delighted, in fact, not since I wrote sales pamphlets for the most boring software in the universe have I felt less delight where I should have felt more,” I said, “Homous? * Do you have any?” He did, one container and he claimed it was homemade so I bought it, for $2.49. He surlily gave me my change and actually grunted when I wished him a nice day.

Too bad about him because the homous is fanbloodytastic. Lightly spiced, excellent texture, I think the tahini must be homemade too because you can really taste kind of a roasted sesame flavour. I ate most of the container and half a loaf of Terra Breads Italian Cheese loaf and called it lunch. Oh, and some tomato and cucumber. Don’t worry.

So: Mediterranean Delight gets 7 points. Would have been 8 if the boy had smiled at me.

But: in the block of 6th Ave. right by my house, a company named TeraSpan is deploying fiber ** optic cable. There were about 6 workpeople all drilling holes in the concrete and digging up the grass and raking mud in the pissing rain that was almost sleet, seriously, it looked like a makework project for people being punished for something but each of them looked up as I walked by and smiled at me and said hello. Each one! If I ever need fiber optic cable deployed, I am totally calling TeraSpan and I suggest you do the same.

* Am spelling homous the way the sign spelled it at the store. When I search “homous,” google suggests “humus,” then others say “hummus,” “humous” and “hommos” (and then it’s a skip & a jump to naughty websites) and I know you all know what I mean.

** Am spelling “fiber” the way they spell it on their website because THEY are the fiber optic deployment specialists, not I.

Posted in food, outside | 16 Comments