The People in My Neighbourhood

Reverb10 Day 16 Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (author: Martha Mihalick)

We have a lot of neighbours in our little townhouse complex. And in the summertime, we who have children go out and watch them run and frolic and, this summer, wrestle and scream at each other, while we chat. It is very “the neighbourhoods of my childhood” in that way. The courtyard is contained and has several trees and a big grassy patch in the middle so the children from age 2 – 4 are safe there. (children age 4 and up seem to want to escape into the road and / or play hide and seek at people’s houses so next year we might look at soccer camp or something) There were a couple of parents I had things in common with, but they moved away. There is another parent I have next to nothing in common with but she usually stays inside anyway. And then there is P.

P is a middle-aged woman with a teen-aged son. She is funny and sharp and from Ontario. She and her son moved here a couple of years ago. She works full time and also enjoys knitting and salsa dancing. We struck up a friendship because her patio is on the ground level and so a lot of children end up playing hide and seek under her window. She loves my kids and always comes out when we’re around. In fact, at Halloween, she didn’t open her door to trick or treaters but brought my boys treats anyway.

One day, as P and I were chatting while the kids ran around, Trombone engaged in a wrestling match with J, a little boy a year older and ten years wiser than him. It was consensual, if cringe-worthy, and everything was fine until Trombone got knocked down and started to cry. J’s mother came running, as she always does when she hears anyone in the courtyard crying, and immediately grabbed J by the collar and started berating him. In turn, he got fiesty and angry and it all ended with him being hauled home for the rest of the afternoon.

“Geez that kid,” I commented after he had left and the other kids had resumed playing.

“I feel so sorry for him,” said P.

I waited. Because I don’t feel sorry for him. He has been terrorizing my kid – and all the other kids smaller than him – for years.

“Well I see his face,” she said, “when his mom comes out. He lights up. He wants her to talk to him. But she never just says ‘hey, what are you doing, what game are you playing.’ She always comes out assuming he’s done something. She always comes out yelling.”

It’s true. It’s true for good reason – 90% of the time, he HAS done something that deserves reprimand – but he’s so obviously doing it to get her attention.

“OK,” I said. “I get that.”

“Your kids are different,” she said, “they mess up. You show them how to make it better. But you’re out here. You’re watching. They know that you care about them.”

Who doesn’t like compliments, raise your hand. Not me. I like compliments.

“She shoves him out of the house,” she said, “tells him to ‘go play’. And all he wants is her.” *

A tear actually rose to my eye, for the kid that I have gone home cursing.

I hadn’t been able to see that point of view until P pointed it out. My focus ** was always on my kids, on whether they were safe, on whether J was about to lose his mind for whatever random reason and start being a jerk to them. My eyes were not watching J’s eyes to see if he was looking for his mom.

And it helped, holding that idea in my pocket. It helped me be slightly more compassionate toward J, it helped me understand his motivation (which understanding, for me, is super important and contributes a lot to whether or not I can get past BUT YOU ARE SUCH A JERK) and if I can remember to treat him with more compassion and less suspicion, I hope that helps him, too.

Three cheers for perspective and balance and compassion! Three cheers for P!

* which sounds mean and neglectful but he has been playing out on his own for a year and she does run a business and he is almost 6 years old. I don’t agree with P’s ‘blame the mother’ approach necessarily, since no one knows what issues are at play in the house.

** focus, here, means not ‘old eagle-eyes letting them not have any fun’ but keeping one ear open for an escalation that will lead to a volatile kid with anger issues blowing his top.