Who Invented the Shower: A Question I Ask (Almost) Every Day But Am Too Lazy To Google

Today in the bathroom at the berry farm, while I was holding the stall door closed with my foot for Trombone and feeling very highschool because of it, another mom with a babe in arms said something about regretting wearing her hair in a ponytail that day because now it had to stay in a ponytail and aiiieee.

“Yeah well I can’t take this hat off,” I said, in a rare display of oneupmanship. I had put on the hat while out picking berries in the fields because hey guess what, strawberry fields are hot places.

“Totally,” she said, “that was me yesterday. I was all, hey I’m not showering, forget it.”

Then we had a boring conversation about showers and oh my god showers and showers oh. my. god, as mothers do.

I know for some people, daily showers are non-negotiable. I am flexible, although sometimes that 7 minutes is all I get in a day (like today!) so I just go ahead and TAKE IT and if I come out and the children have coloured on each other with non-washable markers (true story!) so be it.

So be it.

I am saying that a lot lately. And we haven’t even LEFT for our vacation yet.

Then I was thinking about showers and I couldn’t decide which shower was better: the first shower after giving birth or the hangover/headache shower. And then I remembered all the other showers that stand out among the boring, just-get-clean-and-get-out showers, so I decided to make a list.

The Five Best Showers Of All Time According To Me:

1. Hangover/headache shower.

Hangover: You wake up. You can’t move. Coffee would be the right thing, but the sound of the word “coffee,” even uttered silently, bangs from one side of your head to the other like a marble and makes you feel nauseated. You drag yourself out of bed and go to the shower, where you sit, face against your knees, water beating against your head, for up to an hour, until the sound of the word “coffee” in your head makes you feel like living and even like doing a little tapdance.

Headache: See above, but without same sense of moral failing.

2. Childbirth shower.

When I was in labour with Trombone, I spent three hours in the shower. The hospital showers are … they are …

…so fucking amazing. I’m sorry. Words fail me.

Three hours. I would feel worse for the planet but it’s labour. All bets are off. So be it.

3. Post childbirth shower

On the other hand, once the baby is out and OK and you’re euphoric (all best case scenarios, I know) you get to have a shower. A shower I still think about fondly. While I was in labour with Fresco, one of the things that kept me focused was “after this you get to have a shower.”

It’s the one where you get all the blood and gore and I DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT-ALL off your body and you get to be one person showering again and the baby is over there and it’s like a brand new world of showering splendor.

One you should enjoy while you can because now that you have a baby you are in the same club as people who talk to strangers in public bathrooms about how awesome and rare showers are. Dignity, you fickle bedfellow.

(I suspect it’s not as good for post c-section births…or is it?)

4. The Saturday Shower

In our house, there’s another grown up around on the weekends. That means on Saturdays and Sundays I get a shower that is generally longer than 7 minutes, frequently free of noise (at least if there IS noise I can shut the bathroom door without feeling like a neglectful Nellie) and blissfully thorough. One time without thinking I skipped a Saturday shower. I was all, hey, no, I can do it later, or, you know, tomorrow. What? Are you crazy?

5. Skipped Yesterday Shower/That Camping Trip Was Awesome BUT Shower

All that extra dirt! All that extra sweat! All that yesterday and the day before yesterday ennui that you can now rinse away, down the drain, the better to rain on you another day.

Runners Up: rain showers. Hotel showers. No hot water for three days showers.

Do you also keep lists of the best ever showers? Would you like to reflect on them now? Please, do.