I Finally Found Someone

If you are a size 14 or smaller, looking for clothing that is not off-the-charts expensive, incredibly ugly or made of recycled margarine tubs that will melt in your washing machine and if you are, like me, of an older age than the standard mall clientele, (excepting, of course, the Most Depressing Mall in the Universe where the average age is 82) I heartily recommend H&M for your no-frills shopping needs.

I walked in. The staff ignored me. I think I actually became invisible when I walked through the doors, through the magic of Uncool. Left to my own devices, within 15 minutes I had found 7 dresses to try on. I went to the fitting area where the fitting boy had to acknowledge me because I was holding store merchandise and was thus, sort of cool. (Ish. He wasn’t totally convinced.) And we had the following hilarious conversation.

Him: One two three four five six seven, okay so you have seven items? But you can only take in six? So I’m going to put one over here, so, like, you can get it when you’ve tried on the other ones? Like if you decide you don’t want one of those ones, you could switch it for this one and put one of the ones you don’t want on the rack? I’m just going to put it on this rack here…
Me: ……

Sweet, sweet fitting boy. I have been shopping for clothing longer than you’ve been alive. I know how it works.

And then, one of the dresses was just what I was after! And only $30! So I made haste to the checkout where another glamorous teen – I guess they can’t really be teens, or they’d be in school, right? OH MY HELL I am old – took my money and gave me a free magazine, all without looking me in the eye, not once!

If you enjoy the hands-on approach, H&M might not be for you. But if you are someone who has an hour to shop while her mother entertains her children at the park and who doesn’t feel like looking anyone in the eye either, necessarily, thumbs way up in the air baby.

* We got home and were having lunch and I tried on the dress for my mom’s opinion. Very nice, she said. I said to Trombone, do you like my new dress? He said, yes, but don’t forget pants, mummy! (my junk was totally covered, don’t worry)**

** This is what comes of being The Kind of Woman Who Doesn’t Wear Dresses. You raise Boys Who Don’t Know What A Real Woman Looks Like. Vote Conservative! ***

*** I am pulling your chain.

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