Several years ago I purchased Atlas Shrugged, the FILM, for Saint Aardvark, for Christmas. It was — not a great film. The most notable thing about it was that it starred Taylor Whatsit, later to kick ass in Orange is the New Black, as Our Rational Heroine Dagny Taggart.

The following Christmas, there I was at Amazon for some reason and Amazon said, in that special way Amazon has of interrupting your peaceful internet shoppery, Hey! You bought Part One and now there is Part Two! So of course being as SA and I have that kind of relationship, ie: the kind where we give each other crap, (he gave me Thomas Kinkade: Painter of Light this year. Do not recommend it to you, will still lend it to you) I bought for him part two for Christmas. New actors all ’round. Taylor Whatsit said, um, actually, no I think I’m done with this project. Part Two was not a great film either but it had some production values left. It was shiny and had crane shots and good costumes.

This past November, Amazon said Hey! You might possibly want Atlas Shrugged Part Three? It’s possible? No one else does but…

And I said, There’s a PART THREE? I thought it end–oh wait, no, I just fell asleep.

And Amazon said, Hahaha so true, but hey, it’s only ten dollars?

And I said, OK, but is it for sure the last part because I really can’t stomach any more Ayn Rand ever.

And Amazon said We’re not sure! But it’s on sale! C’mooooonnnnn. DOOO IIIIIITTT.

So I bought it but it wasn’t ready yet. Yes. I PRE-ORDERED Atlas Shrugged Part Three. Anyway! A month later it was shipped and then I had to wait to give it to Saint Aardvark for his birthday this year.

All this is a long-winded way of telling you tonight we are watching the second half of part three of Atlas Shrugged, which, I am assured by SA, who has read the book, is the final part and thank god because it is wretched.

Imagine you had a great idea for a three-part film project and then someone gave you a [x]illion dollars to make it happen! So you spent 90% on the first film, scrounged enough from the 10% left to make a passable second and then by the third realized that even the tenth tier character actors were ignoring your phone calls and you were stuck doing your own makeup. You decided to splice in documentary footage from those “Flying over North America” films and a lot of voiceovers to move the (holy shit no one told you how LONG this story is) story along. You sacrificed pacing of any kind in favour of Characters Announcing How They Were Making a Point Right Now. And then added a soundtrack so floral and overbearing it might as well be in a Danielle Steele made-for-tv-movie. Or a Thomas Kinkade biopic, just saying.

And all THAT is a long-winded way of telling you that I don’t usually drink a lot of wine on a Monday evening (ever since we cancelled cable tv and stopped playing the New Westminster City Council Drinking Game, that is) but for Atlas Shrugged Part Three I will make an exception.