Notes From Mother’s Journal: Strolling Around Edmonds St. Edition

We walked through a new neighbourhood today, Fresco and I, while Trombone was at preschool. Not new, just new to us. I usually drive through it on my way somewhere else. So do most other people, I am guessing, as we only saw one other pedestrian, an older South Asian man walking slowly and pausing every few feet to look up at the trees.

I walked up to Edmonds Street from the preschool, which is West of there by a few blocks. As we strolled along this very high car-traffic street, I noticed the awning for the “Dancin’ Stars Studio” and suddenly remembered that there had been a targeted shooting that killed a guy dead in the back alley behind that studio. Just last week!

(The news didn’t mention the business down the block, something called “EYI,” whose windows were mirrored and which, when googled, is revealed as “Essentially Yours Industries,” a distributor of, among other things, a weight loss supplement called “Calorad.” I think that is far more intriguing. Mostly because of the mirrored windows.)

Everyone knows a gangster shouldn’t return to the scene of the crime, but I still looked sideways at the dance studio as we went by. Quickly.

Turns out I should have been more nervous about the Mohawk Gas Station on the corner. We often purchase our gas there but we pay at that pump and I never thought about how secluded the woman (it is usually a woman) is who works in the gas booth. It is just a booth; the store that sells things is across the parking lot from her. She has no co-workers. She just sits there, essentially in the middle of a major intersection, waiting for her shift to be over. I am guessing.

Today as we waited for the light to change, I heard shouting and swearing and saw her chasing a guy out of her booth. He deftly dodged three lanes of traffic and disappeared on the other side of the road. She shook her fist at him and went back into her booth, hopefully to call the police, but who knows.

I walked for another couple of blocks, looking for a bakery to get a muffin because on preschool days, I can somehow get a snack together for Trombone but not for me. Inevitably I drop him at school and realize I’m starving. Two things are happening: 1. I think I am more serious about his snack because he has a Spiderman backpack and 2. I am thinking in the back of my head that I could just go home during preschool. Except I never do. I always do something else. Tuesday I went to the mall. Did I eat while I was there? No I did not.

Do I need a Spiderman backpack? I don’t really think so.

But today I had Fresco and he is a lot harder than my brain to placate with “yeah yeah we’ll get a snack in a minute” and even over the roar of traffic I could hear him complaining he was hungry so after finding no bakeries, I went into 7-11. It smelled like a public bathroom in the 7-11. I don’t know why. I don’t want to know why. I bought a muffin anyway. I almost bought an energy bar but it had a best before date of June 2009 and I’m not paying for expired energy.

Fresco thrilled with the muffin (banana chocolate chip, so, cupcake might be more accurate) we continued along Edmonds and I promised Fresco we’d find a playground on our way back but first I really needed to get to Value Village. There is a Value Village at the end of Edmonds, you see. Edmonds and Kingsway. It is not the best I’ve been to (that one is in Chilliwack) or the worst (North Road, Burquitlam) but it’s good enough.

We walked in the door and I spotted what I wanted. Hanging at the front of all the wretched pre-fab halloween costumes, a small child’s fuzzy white jacket for $1.49.

Fresco is going to be a sheep for halloween, you see. He says “baa” really well.

Then I set off looking for curly headgear in white but he refused to keep any of the wigs on (the one that stayed on longest made him look like a mini-Amadeus. That is next year’s costume) so that was a lost cause. I did pick up a snowy white tuque, though, which will do double-duty as, well, a tuque. I am not frivolous. I am buying Sensibly.

Another toddler coat caught my eye, a lovely deep red with fuzzy lining, just Trombone’s size; another $1.49! What the heck? I think they were so cheap because: their labels said “Baby Gap,” but closer examination revealed fake Hong Kong Baby Gap (I have fallen for this before and tried on Fake Hong Kong Gap Pants in my size that barely cover my knees) but obviously if I am at Value Village I don’t give a hooter’s beak about the label. $1.49 is the right price for something that will be worn for 5 months.

We strolled back along Edmonds for a while, which seems more palatable and less criminal closer to Kingsway (counter-intuitive, this, since Kingsway has always rung with criminality to me but the area around Edmonds has been Developed and Re-Branded so it looks shinier these days) – we passed the excellent Simba’s Grill and a few Thai places that looked good, as well as the Balkan European Foods Supplier. We detoured into the Eastburn Community Centre’s back yard, which had a play structure but it was for much bigger children so I enjoyed seven or eight heart attacks while I watched Fresco lurch around in his cumbersome rubber boots, faking me out by pretending to sit on the slide and then standing up again and then slipping on the wet wood and then we moved on.

There was a big park for running through so we did some of that. A man was feeding birds, so we watched as pigeons, crows, and seagulls arrived in great, squawking groups to enjoy tasty, tasty seed. Fresco thought about chasing some of them but was distracted by the last of our muffin.

We continued on a side street, Fresco holding my hand, me pushing the empty buggy. He loves to walk as much as his older brother prefers to ride. It is funny and sad to see a 3.5 year old walking while his 1.5 year old brother pushes the stroller.

We passed two blocks of stucco, ’80s houses. Then we came to two blocks of elder care homes. I was struck by how sad they look, even from the outside. That institutional brick, the boxy windows spaced exactly the same distance apart. The window coverings were pulled back, so we could see the fluorescent lighting, the cupboards built in to the walls and the colour of those walls, all of which screamed Hospital, not Home.

Fresco wanted to go in but I convinced him to keep picking up wet leaves instead. I stuck one red leaf in his new white tuque and he looked like an unofficial (VERY UNOFFICIAL, don’t sue me or put me in jail, pls) Olympic mascot.

We crossed back to the preschool side of Canada Way and then walked along one of the residential streets. On the East side of the street, the houses were all older, with big, grassy, treed lots. Some of them were really run down. One of them had six cars parked on the lawn. On the West side of the street, the houses were all new. All were variations on the (late ’90s?) earth-tone stucco theme. One had the strangest little chimney-looking pillars sticking out of its roof; none of which pillars was an actual chimney. That house also had a Very Grand front yard, which was not a yard at all in that it was paved with stones and had a fountain.

I have never seen the stereotypes of East Side and West Side so clearly expressed, with only a road between them. It was like the East side of the street was on an ancient burial ground or something. I did notice that the West side was on a pipeline, so maybe those people had more money to renovate because they’d paid less for their properties?

Or it could be tied to drugs and gangs. Or drug gangs. Or gangs of drugs.

We turned West to the school and I noticed Fresco, by now riding in the buggy, in a telltale sleep slump. He caught a few minutes of delicious, fresh air sleep before I had to take him into the classroom of yelping three year olds to find his brother. Who took advantage of Fresco’s sleepy stage to get a good, long hug in before we headed back to the car and home to our neighbourhood – where you can’t turn around and touch the ground without hitting a park or a grocery store. I don’t know how we chose such a good family neighbourhood to live in before we even knew what kinds of things make a good family neighbourhood. But I am grateful for our dumb luck.

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Here, There, All Over the Place

18 months is longer than a year. I do not think it is fair to the addled and time-confused among us (raising hand, waving madly) to continue counting a baby’s age in months when the first year has passed.

Fresco is one and a half years old today. He is ALMOST TWO.

I shouted that last part because I am having that usual denial-of-child’s-age thing that happens when you put your head down and live your life like there’s a raging bull on your ass and then one day you look up

blinking
bewildered

“Did he just say ‘thank you’?”
“Maybe?”
“Taaak OOOOOO!”
“Yes, I think he did”
“Wow.”
“WOOOOOOWW!”
“Did he just say ‘wow’?”
“Definitely.”

and there he is. A year and a half. Loves crackers, drumming, running and being held upside down. Also: singing ducks. But who doesn’t.

Singing in the Rain, Redux

And here I am: stay at home mom of two for a year and a half.

And there you are: still reading even though I update rarely and then only hit an average of 4/20 entries anywhere near second base, let alone get a home run.

I love math and baseball so much I’m going to create a cumbersome analogy using both!

I bought new bras today. I was going to wait until Fresco weaned but he doesn’t seem eager to do that – plus it’s flu season so why not

nurse a little longer / please baby a little longer / make immune systems stronger / with mother’s milk today!

(anyone else remember that Big Red commercial? With the people on dates, breathing on each other for HOURS because they had Big Red gum?)

Today, as it happened, I had almost two hours free while Trombone was at preschool and SA was at home with Fresco because he took the day off sick (SA, not Fresco) and so I went to the mall and directly to Winners, who pissed me off – FOR THE LAST TIME, do you hear me, Winners? I am never looking at your shoes again! – by having their size 10-11 shoe section cluttered with discarded 8s and 7s and 9.5s as well as having several pairs marked as 11s when really they were 10s. So I’m trying to wedge my foot into a size 11 shoe and it won’t go! I’m thinking, good heavens, I’m a size 12 now? but really, no, don’t panic, the shoe is marked wrong. Huff! I stomped off in disgruntlement and on my way to look at toys saw a lovely brown satin bra and it was what I think my size might be so I switched gears and went to the lingerie section.

Guys! I mean, girls, but YOU GUYS! Winners has name brand underwear! I don’t know why this has never occurred to me before but it hasn’t and I was delighted to find Calvin Klein bras for $16.99! Those bad boys are $40 and up at the department store!

Aside: if you had told me that Calvin Klein bras would be My Bras, the ones that fit me, the ones that are the size and shape of my breasts, I would have laughed at you. Calvin Klein? With the skinny, wasting away, yet still energetic enough to have sex all over each other in posters models? With the Marky Mark? With the two-page ads in Glamour? Surely I am more of a Maidenform boxed bra type or a Playtex, yes, that sounds utilitarian and boring enough. I have not much va, and very little voom. But truly – since my first Calvin Klein bra, before I got pregnant with Trombone, I have found consistent, me-appropriate fitting from Mr. Klein. You just never know.

So yes, I got new bras for my almost weaned breasts and now how am I going to tie this together.

I was talking about still nursing Fresco with another mom at preschool and she said, oh you must be going for the 24 month mark? And I said, um, not consciously. We just haven’t stopped yet. But I guess there are milestones. And I have passed most of them without really noticing.

People who have trouble nursing set small goals. One week. One month. Three months. I never had trouble so I never set goals. With Trombone, he had to be weaned when I went back to work, when he was a year old. But with Fresco – no such end date.

Yet, in other respects, so much thought and energy has gone into breastfeeding my babies. Learning about breastfeeding; good latching, cluster feeding, block feeding, nursing in public, nursing to sleep, breastmilk in the eye for infection, nipple confusion, growth spurts, fussing at the breast, overactive letdown, oh, the things I have googled. The stories my cache could tell.

But it’s like getting a big rev up at the beginning of a cross country drive and then going for a while and then looking over your shoulder and realizing there’s no one around you. No one in front, no one behind. You got past the mountains, which was the only really important part and now you’re just having a drive. You can stop anytime and you won’t be penalized or disqualified. You could even take a right turn and go to Minnesota.

I’m not really sure what Minnesota is in this analogy. Strawberry milk?

Not that I ever felt in competition with other nursing mothers. Or even with myself. Breastfeeding was important to me and I was so lucky that it came relatively easily and so, I just keep driving.

I have been told that when it’s time to stop I will know. When I don’t want to do it anymore, my body will tell me. Or, if Fresco decides he’s done, we’ll be done.

Here’s the part where I wrap up a year and a half with a neat bow
that will be untied in a minute because children are curious and need all the ribbons for the things they’re building.

Or I could toss in another adorable picture, featuring The Hair I Am Never Cutting, Ever.

One Year and One Half

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Illness with Children: A Timeline

Prologue: Children start acting crazy. This is a tough one to nail down, because children can start acting crazy for all kinds of reasons, or for no reason at all. It is the child’s prerogative to act crazy. The parent is there merely to witness.

A few days (or hours) after the children start acting crazy, you see it. The first dribble of snot. Suddenly, the crazy-acting has a reason and you feel better for about 30 seconds, because you love reason. Then you remember that snot means sick. Then you wish it was just unreasonable crazy after all.

Day one: The nose drips and is blown, drips and is blown. You are careful to wash your hands after each blow, to keep surfaces disinfected, to keep the second child away from the sick child.

Day one and a quarter:
As fucking if.

Day one and a half: Second child’s nose begins to run.

Day two: Just after you finish congratulating yourself on how little snot there is in your house, the floodgates open and snot pours forth to douse everything with its foul, germy sliminess. I’m sorry. It’s true.

Day three:
Wipe, blow, toss, wipe, blow, toss. What’s that? You’ve noticed that hypothetical-you has stopped washing her hands and disinfecting surfaces? Yes. You know there is no way in hell you are going to prevent the spread of this illness.

Day four: You stay home. You can’t take two germy, expectorating preschoolers to a park where there will be other children touching the same surfaces. You just CAN’T bring this much snot into some other, innocent family’s life.

Day five: Fuck it. Their fevers are broken. Who can stay home with this much snot? And whining. And in the 18 month old’s case, evasive tactics that result in every tissue or cloth coming his nose’s way actually jabbing him in the eye and the snot going all over your arm.

Day six: Rules are out the window. A second TV program this morning? Will it keep them quiet? All right then.

Day seven: Miraculously, you are still not sick. The children are slowly getting better. You no longer have to pry them from their pillows with nail polish remover and a spatula every morning.

Day eight: Will the snot ever end? You suddenly remember that your (all?) children take ten days to become completely snot free. You wait.

Day nine: You are exhausted. And your throat is a little sore. Probably because of all the dust in the house. You are convinced you have SUPERIMMUNITY * and will never get sick again. Because if you could survive that much snot, you can survive anything.

* despite ample evidence to the contrary, where you constantly get half-sick so that you can still function as a parent but not be beyond the suffering of your children. I had no idea how utterly frustrating it is to be half-sick. I just wanna sneeze and cough and be ill and be DONE WITH IT. Ahem.

Day ten: Right on time, the first afflicted child is fully healed.

Day eleven: You feel as though a big foot is standing on you. And your skin aches. How can skin … oh. Dammit.

Day twelve
: The children are healed and moving on to developmental milestones. They have discovered that you are weak and they are running roughshod all over you.

Day thirteen:
You can’t move. More TV anyone?

Day fourteen: Your partner can’t move either. Luckily it’s the weekend.

Day fifteen:
You still have no snot. How are you on the fourth day of your illness and there is still no snot? How long did the kids feel like shit before the snot came? How long were they acting crazy before the snot came? Who the hell can keep track?

Day sixteen:
You are wishing for your head to gum up with all that snot because it will mean that you have the same illness the children had, which in turn means that you don’t have something entirely different that they can catch and then start this whole bad trip over again.

Day seventeen: The snot comes. You are miserable and relieved like when your period comes five days late.

Alternate ending: the snot doesn’t come. The baby kisses you on the mouth and a few days later, you start back at the prologue.

(We are currently at day sixteen. On the bright side, if we do all have the same illness, I think it’s probably H1N1, cuz SA said he read somewhere that All Your Flus Are Belong to H1N1 which means YAY we didn’t die from it. Er, yet. On the not so bright side, ugh, it’s been a long couple of weeks.)

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Curious About Cloth Diapering?

I know you are! Well here it is, your lucky day – Crunchy Carpets and I collaborated on a post about cloth diapers at Mizzle blog extraordinaire Tenth to the Fraser. And now you can read it!

All those pressing questions, like “where does all the poop go?” (Note: not actual question, not actually answered.)(It goes down “the holer” if you must know.)

That is all.

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Book Reports

You can tell things are looking up, time, sleep and parenting-wise, because I read an entire book and a half in two weeks. Wow. I remember a time, not long ago, when it would take me a full month to finish one book.

Slightly, yes, the pressure was on because these were two new books that I could only have for 14 days (though, you know, I have spent so much of my life being afraid of libraries, of their fines, of their je ne sais quoi will happen if I don’t bring these books back on time / at all; since having kids I have tried to be a good patron but my library habits are just not what they used to be and guess what? Turns out no one cares! The library keeps letting me take things out and saying I can pay my fines “whenever” and I’m all, what do you mean? You have no teeth? I have spent 3/4 of my life fearing something with NO TEETH? No poison spines, nothing? I guess I am a better person because I respect the library, right? Right, librarian reader types of which I have many? OK then) and I was determined I would finish them within that time.

The first book was called Please Step Back by Ben Greenman and I loved it. It was the story of a fictional ’60s funk / rock star and his rise to fame and then slide back down to not-fame. Classic story but it was written so elegantly, so like an extended song lyric; I would be reading along and enjoying and then stop in my tracks and have to go back a page and read that beautiful sentence / paragraph / page again. I have returned the book (on time, bitches) so I can’t quote it but I really enjoyed it. Except for the ending, which I did not enjoy, not in an “I enjoy it but it’s depressing like Canadian dysfunctional family literature” way but more in a “I don’t enjoy it, it’s a cop-out and I saw it coming three pages ago” way.

I even finished it within 10 days, which, if you only have 15 minutes a night, is like some kind of miracle. I was high on life, high on great writing, happy to move on to the second book, Boldface Names by Shinan Govani, which had been sitting right next to Please Step Back in the “new fiction” section.

Have you heard of Shinan Govani? He has. He has heard of him. He is wonderful, he is. So wonderful he wrote a book about himself. He calls himself something else but he, Shinan, is a gossip columnist and he wrote a book about a gossip columnist and then he filled it with lots of gossip and then more veiled references to gossip and then bam! it got published! The country is all a-flutter and a-titter and madly trying to guess who is who in this madcap book! What a clever romp!

Oh, sigh.

Govani is a society pages guy for the National Post. By all accounts, he is good at his job. He gets around, he sees famous people doing stuff, he is snarky about it. And let me be clear. I do not have a problem with gossip, gossip columnists or gossipy books – hell, I watch Gossip Girl and I read Star by Pamela Anderson and I even enjoyed it – enough to finish it – because for one thing she let someone help her write it and for another, it was funny, as in, clever. But also? It did not make a mockery of the following tradition: WORDS MEAN THINGS. A tradition I cherish.

As the Winnipeg Free Press put it, so succinctly, he can gossip but not write. (And PS, Winnipeg Free Press, yours is the only negative review I could find after at least ten minutes of searching, and so I will be kissing you with lots of tongue post-haste because MAN OH MAN was this a bad book. Just fucking awful. Worse than The DaVinci Code.) Their review quotes the following sentence as an example and I am sad to say it is not even the worst example, where [our hero spots] “…a woman who looked like local neo-hippie songbird Feist but was actually a woman with bangs who only looked like Feist.”

I went looking for reviews because I thought there was something I was missing. I thought surely there was a joke I wasn’t getting, a reference I hadn’t come across. But no.

Again, I do not have the book here because I set it on fire and then returned the ashes to the library in a charred, smoking envelope (no, no I didn’t, not really) so I can’t quote more, but I must have read half of it to SA while he tried to concentrate on his book about the Restoration or Reformation or whatever.

This is just a re-enactment, but a damn good one:

“Just listen: ‘She walked with her jewel-spackled glory-holed two-point-oh’d Manolos clicking on the dirty zeitgeist pavement like an escaped polo pony with nothing to lose but her self-respecting neo-hipstered harness.”
“Just put the book down. Stop reading it.”
“No! I can’t! I have to see if it gets better!”

It doesn’t. Just in case you are out there now, reading this piece of shit book, know that it does not get better. It gets worse and worse and worse and then the book is due at the library and you’re halfway done but you don’t care, you’d rather read a back issue of Good Housekeeping magazine than go one page further.

The man verbs all his nouns. He hyphenates everything else. The book reads like a gossip column gone through a translator to Serbian and back to English. And then the typos. Holy shit. People are publishing badly written, badly spelled SHIT and killing TREES for it and the first ten reviews I read were glowing, I guess because he might gossip about you and ruin your career? Sorry, I don’t have a career and I am not afraid to say that book should not have been published.

On the bright side: it makes me want to work on my novel because I know my novel is better than Boldface Names.

On the dark side: now I can never go on a press tour for my (uh, yeah, unpublished, not even into its 2nd draft yet) novel because I’ll be immediately slaughtered by the society pages.

On the bright side again: I did not incur any fines at the library.

On the dark side again: I seem to have more to say about the book I hated and didn’t finish than the book I loved. Except one more thing: you can hear a recording of one of the songs from the book I loved (Please Step Back,) as interpreted by Swamp Dogg, if you go here.

There. Leaving you on the bright side, I am.

Trombone pinches my nose for me after I complain about the smell of bad writing

Trombone pinches my nose for me after I complain about the smell of bad writing

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