The Cheeseblog

I’m sure nobody cares. But I happened to turn on the radio in the car just as it was announced that the new leader of the Conservative Party is Stephen Harper.

I have nothing against him, I mean, nothing more against him than I have against conservatives in general. But why, when I look at him, do I think “boob”? Not mother’s-milk-lacy-bras-bouncy-bouncy. But “Oh, Stephen Harper is such a boob.”

You see? I think his eyes are too small or maybe his nose is too big.

Well, Our Pal Jack Layton will trounce him. That’s for sure & certain.

This changes the dynamic for “Who Wants to be Canada’s Next Top Prime Minister?” considerably. I don’t think anyone will watch now that there’s no pretty, female contestant.

A while ago, I heard about the right hand ring. Totally transparent marketing ploy, yes indeedy. In searching for the real deBeers site today, I encountered the site of someone who jumped so quickly on the bandwagon she must have injured her bum. Behold: The Right Hand Ring.Com

Excerpt:

“Why The Right Hand Ring? Well, women never have had the real opportunity to wear fashionable rings on their right hand….How can I tell if it is a right hand ring if it has diamonds on it? The intention of this ring was to have an orientation approximating a north-south alignment as opposed to the traditional east-west alignment traditionally found with diamond engagement rings, three stone rings and diamond anniversary bands.”

Oh! I had no idea there was specific directional alignment involved in engagement ring design. But then, I never claimed to be an Engagement Ring Engineer. I have Terrible Math Skills.

But look! There is MORE!

On the Making of The Right Hand Ring page, the designer explains that “Most people are not familiar with the number of steps it takes to make jewelry, particularly fine jewelry. I can’t show you the creative process because that comes from each individual’s thought process.”

Damn! I would really like to see pictures of the creative process! I mean, someone else’s. I know what mine looks like:

And now, so do you.

For the once and only time in my life, I am part of a trend! I know for sure it is Sarah and I who started this trend, because we have been wearing right hand rings for over 10 years. Our right middle fingers are shiny with independence, sisterhood and wealth. We bought our rings ourselves, at Metrotown! What a huge step for womankind!

I feel all warm inside. Maybe it’s because my independence and uniqueness and womanness has finally been validated by an international marketing campaign.

Hey, it’s Spring! Let’s all go play squirrel and duck tag!

Oh. I have to Spring Clean.

Bye then.

In the movie of Courtney Love’s life, I want to play Courtney Love. I keep hearing bad things about her, mostly from men, but I just laugh because I think she is having a really good time being crazy. And if you’re crazy, why not enjoy yourself? Even if you’re only pretending to be crazy to get more press for your critically detested new album, you should definitely enjoy yourself. The girls on the talk shows are pretty and pretty boring. Courtney Love is messy and weird and real and behaves kind of like I would, if I had lived her life.

Yesterday I read the story about Courtney and Dave (Letterman) at msn.com. Curious, I followed the link to her biography, according to MSN. And I was very amused to see the bands that MSN thinks Courtney Love sounds like. Live, (like a butter knife into my kidneys) Creed, (Pearl Jam wasn’t bad enough?) Cake.

Oh – hold up: Cake?

While I enjoy the music of Cake as much as that of Courtney Love and/or Hole, the enjoy exists in two, separated by barbed wire, sections of my brain. Like my love for the movie “Wit” and my love for the movie “Showgirls.” Hell, NICKELBACK sounds more like Courtney Love than Cake.

Sometimes when I have trouble deciding between two musicians, I imagine a boxing match. That’s why Courtney is my tried & true champion of ROCK. She wins the boxing match every time.

Today’s favourite search string retrieving torturedpotato.com:

girls in skin tight jeans wearing smelly socks forcing men to smell their socks

Um, is there money involved?

Recently I became aware of how frequently I use the word “whatnot”. I think I got it from King of the Hill, which is now on television almost as much as Seinfeld. Of course, now that I’ve noticed it about me, I am also noticing it everywhere. The dentist, The Donald, The Tyra Banks.

Because I have 3 more days to be unemployed, I googled “whatnot” and here are some of the things I found.

Number One! A band from the East Coast!

Excerpt, from Matt’s Gig Journal:

ok, so the proclaimers are scottish, right? from scotland? we established that at the show. so they wrote a song called “500 miles”. not 500 KILOMETERS, 500 MILES. anyone find THAT a bit odd, cuz last time I checked, europe was still on the metric system.

Oy. You can really tell this is a student band, especially when you listen to them. They sound like that band you knew the lead singer of at university and you went to all their shows and the bass player was kind of cute and you got on the guest list so whatever, sometimes they played “Brown Eyed Girl” and you thought they might be dedicating it to you.

Number Two! A (frighteningly public) place for families to keep track of each other. Includes a link to the family Hoskins and the recipe for Aunt Clara’s Famous Fried Chicken.

Excerpt:

When you’re ready to start cooking, dip the chicken in a flour, salt and pepper mixture. Don’t wash off the buttermilk. Aunt Clara used lard to fry the chicken, but Crisco will work just fine. Keep turning the chicken until brown and cover the skillet. Add one can of Cream of Chicken Soup. No don’t drain that lard/Crisco, just dump the soup in with the chicken. Cover and cook about 5 minutes, then uncover and cook another 10 minutes. You will have instant gravy with your chicken.

note: Yes, America, you are fat because of carbs.

Number Three! The subheading on a discussion board.

Excerpt: From the discussion on Bathroom Breaks at Work.

Is it okay to take a periodical with you to the bathroom when at work?
There are a coupe of arguments here:
First off, reading material may cause you to be in there longer than you need to, while most places of employment will allow you the time to take natures call, they probably wouldn’t want to pay you for catching up on the latest Time Magazine.
Second, if you grab a mag from the lobby on your way to the bathroom, it’s going to come back tainted…there is some point where you will touch that mag after the cleaning process and before you wash your hands…and that’s just gross.

note: I will have to report back from my new job after I start, but at my last job one of the salesmen used to PROOFREAD SALES PROPOSALS in the bathroom. Like a wise person – was it The Donald? – once said, If you have enough time to read in there, you need to eat more fiber.

Number Four! A beagle named Scout.

Excerpt: I almost forgot with everything else going on, but today is Scout’s birthday. 8 years old! She now qualifies for Senior dog food. But why–she’s still as spry as a puppy and active to boot. This dog isn’t going to be a Senior for a long time. Happy Birthday Beagleface!

There you have it.

Happy birthday beagleface.