The Cheeseblog

How are your armpits? Give ’em a little swipe with your fingers. Shine a light in there; what do you see?

I’ve got average armpits, I think. They are an unlit, moist place where I smear pit-stick once a day (or not, sometimes, ha ha! you figure out which days those are) and clean with soap and shave when the little tree monkeys start to peek their heads out and wave their passports around. (No, monkeys, I will not call you a cab.) But tonight I learned that armpits are sacred ground, an environment with a delicate, sensitive eco-centre. Armpits are in need of more than just a tickle and a razor now & then. Those monkeys? Those monkeys are ENDANGERED.

Introducing: ‘Secret’ Platinum with Olay Conditioners! OMIGOD! LOL! Because, totally, my armpits are so dry and in need of conditioning! Split ends, armpit dandruff – it is indeed a terrible fate endured by the armpit without special conditioning.

Lookit, from the FAQs:

Q: Why does underarm skin need special attention?

A: Underarm skin is naturally more delicate, sensitive, curvy and bumpy. In turn, it is more vulnerable to outside conditions and processes. Because of its delicate nature, underarm skin needs constant attention and maintenance to keep it functioning normally.

1. Eat this, FAQs: What is an outside condition, to my armpit, I mean? I know my lips get chapped in the cold, but armpit? Chapped armpit? Goodness, it’s worse than I could have imagined!

2. OK so from this moment forward, if you are talking to me and I don’t answer, just give it a few minutes. Probably I am paying constant attention to my delicate underarm skin. (So. Fucking. Needy.)

But then: what’s more important; my needs or those of my underarms? How could I neglect my delicate underarm skin just when it needs me most? I will name it Francine and give it mimosas for breakfast. I’m willing to work at this relationship. I don’t want to give up what we’ve got, me and Francine.

What are the four signs of conditioned underarm skin?

1. Visibly smoother
2. Even-toned
3. Smoother to shave
4. Healthier look and feel

Thank god, a checklist. Check! Check now! How does it look and feel? Is it crying? You may have upset it! It may need counselling. Or chocolate. Or Chicken Soup for the Underarm Skin’s Soul. You’ll have to read it out loud, though. It’s dark in the underarm…I mean, Francine.

Damn, being a woman is HARD. I am so glad I have the invisible shield of Secret to protect me. See:

In 2001, we added three new scents: Ambition, Genuine and Optimism — scents that reflect your unique individual styles. We followed that with our 2002 launch of Secret Platinum Clear Gel; and also our Secret Invisible Solid with its micronized formula that glides on clear, giving women an invisible shield of protection.

Speaking of protection, can anyone tell me if that elated girl from the Always commerical is one of the early discards from America’s Next Top Model?

Season 2, I think?

Oh, which Always commercial? You know, the one with the “I Love Cotton” song, where she’s hugging herself and dancing around her bedroom because she’s so happy to be bleeding in her light-coloured cotton clothes. And then her boyfriend comes in and she’s all embarrassed because, as though in the Garden of Eden, with boyo’s presence she becomes aware that it’s not blue water after all and no amount of cotton could ever save her from the curse of being unprotected. Plus her armpits are bumpy and insecure.

I swear, it’s one of the short girls or the boobilicious ones that was too Swimsuit Calendar for Miss Tyra.

Isn’t it almost time for that show to start again? Bring. It.

With “Desperate Housewives” on in the background – I am lightly pondering clothing. Considering Clothing: A memoir.

We trekked out to Wal-Mart today because I love Dr. Scholls shoes and it’s the only place to get them. (Yes, I am a 60 year old nurse. Secret’s out.) As we all know, there are shoes days and there are pants days. And today was pants day. Goodness gracious. The perfect plaid pants, made by a man named “George,” on the clearance rack for $14. Can there be a Wal-Mart downtown? That would be AWESOME. (shh, shh, just kidding.) In line behind me at Wal-Mart there was an older gentleman buying a packet of pink fuzzy yarn. We were in line 15 minutes. “All that money they save, they should hire more cashiers,” he said, twice, I think. So true!

And Ashlee Simpson has done a shampoo commercial.

OK and I think that all parents should let their children buy their own clothes. It tracks back to me as a kid, being allowed to choose my own special occasion clothes after strict policies of practicality laid down by my parents. Naturally when set free I went for the most Welcome To Carnival! Starring David Lee Roth on Acid! look on the rack. Still traumatized. Because of this, here’s me at the age of 60 becoming obsessed with the perfect raincoat, the perfect pants and the perfect cardigan sweater. I torture myself the way 19 year olds binge drink; by going into clothing stores, shoving as many identical, overpriced items down my throat as I can hold and then retching my way home, gnawing on my own fist to keep from plunging it into the guts of the people who have already FOUND the perfect raincoat and are flaunting it. Fuckers.

Pizza Hut has made pizza in the shape of a rectangle so that it can be cut and dunked in sauce. My question here is: why is one of the sauces yellow? Pizza doesn’t need to go anywhere near yellow sauce.

And I quote: Ocean Spray now comes with 2/3 less carbs.

And I decree: If you mix Sheridan’s with rum, you get a Shebang.

So anyway, I want this coat but I don’t know why. I think it might be the 7 year old in me, stomping her feet and refusing to comply with this season’s abundence of party-mint coloured, hip length trench coats. Should I bid?

Crustifarean.

Those of you who know my last name may enjoy picturing me jamming like a lobster. Those of you who do not may also.

This morning on my brief foot-commute, I passed three men on three separate blocks smoking pipes as they walked beneath giant golf umbrellas.

1. What a great goddamn smell to brush past. So much better than expensive perfume and wet bike courier.
2. Who smokes a pipe on his way to work in the rain?
3. Why did I have to ruin it by googling and finding this article which contains the following quotation: “Pipes are like a fine woman,”‘ Loucks said. “It’s got to fit just right, feel just right. I think I’ll stop there.”

Today’s Lesson: If something smells good, just leave it alone.

Am I the only person who has gone shopping for a raincoat and come home with a bikini?

Happy February! This month rules, in part because it is short and brings us closer to spring, which is sometimes a happy, hopeful thing; in part because it is my birth-month (and that of countless others) and do we ever get past that 5-year-old screaming, “Where’s my CAKE!”? OK, fine, some of you do. But I really like cake.

Also, it’s Black History Month and check out this cool thing that happened today…but 45 years ago.

But those things are not why I like February, just like I don’t like “In the Skin of A Lion” just because one of the characters shares my name.

I like February because its name is hard to say. FebUary? FeBERary?
Because its length changes from year to year. Every year, someone says, “Is it 28 or 29 days this year?” Three out of four years, a bunch of people have no birthday at all. Yeesh!
Because it is the only month that starts with “f” and “f” starts so many grand words. (Flog! Foozeball!)
Because it means January is over. January is just too long – who’s with me? 31 days of endless, slogging January after all that Sparkle! Wine! For Me? Really? holiday nonsense? Yack.

Mostly I stopped in to wax poetic on February because a few days ago I said it was almost February and then I got busy (bizayyyyy!) and now it IS February and I am so pleased.

And so, as it is nearly wednesday and new horoscope time, I respectfully quote Rob Brezny to all Aquarians:

“Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what’s right,” advised science writer Isaac Asimov. I nominate this to be your motto in the coming week, Aquarius. Adhering too closely to your habitual notions of good and bad could lead you astray in two ways: It could cause you to inflict unnecessary harm, and it could result in you missing out on a one-of-a-kind opportunity. I’m not saying you should be bad, just that you should avoid making generalizations based on past experience.

PS: Need a reason to go to Vegas? No! Of Course Not!