Expect the Unexpected

How are your armpits? Give ’em a little swipe with your fingers. Shine a light in there; what do you see?

I’ve got average armpits, I think. They are an unlit, moist place where I smear pit-stick once a day (or not, sometimes, ha ha! you figure out which days those are) and clean with soap and shave when the little tree monkeys start to peek their heads out and wave their passports around. (No, monkeys, I will not call you a cab.) But tonight I learned that armpits are sacred ground, an environment with a delicate, sensitive eco-centre. Armpits are in need of more than just a tickle and a razor now & then. Those monkeys? Those monkeys are ENDANGERED.

Introducing: ‘Secret’ Platinum with Olay Conditioners! OMIGOD! LOL! Because, totally, my armpits are so dry and in need of conditioning! Split ends, armpit dandruff – it is indeed a terrible fate endured by the armpit without special conditioning.

Lookit, from the FAQs:

Q: Why does underarm skin need special attention?

A: Underarm skin is naturally more delicate, sensitive, curvy and bumpy. In turn, it is more vulnerable to outside conditions and processes. Because of its delicate nature, underarm skin needs constant attention and maintenance to keep it functioning normally.

1. Eat this, FAQs: What is an outside condition, to my armpit, I mean? I know my lips get chapped in the cold, but armpit? Chapped armpit? Goodness, it’s worse than I could have imagined!

2. OK so from this moment forward, if you are talking to me and I don’t answer, just give it a few minutes. Probably I am paying constant attention to my delicate underarm skin. (So. Fucking. Needy.)

But then: what’s more important; my needs or those of my underarms? How could I neglect my delicate underarm skin just when it needs me most? I will name it Francine and give it mimosas for breakfast. I’m willing to work at this relationship. I don’t want to give up what we’ve got, me and Francine.

What are the four signs of conditioned underarm skin?

1. Visibly smoother
2. Even-toned
3. Smoother to shave
4. Healthier look and feel

Thank god, a checklist. Check! Check now! How does it look and feel? Is it crying? You may have upset it! It may need counselling. Or chocolate. Or Chicken Soup for the Underarm Skin’s Soul. You’ll have to read it out loud, though. It’s dark in the underarm…I mean, Francine.

Damn, being a woman is HARD. I am so glad I have the invisible shield of Secret to protect me. See:

In 2001, we added three new scents: Ambition, Genuine and Optimism — scents that reflect your unique individual styles. We followed that with our 2002 launch of Secret Platinum Clear Gel; and also our Secret Invisible Solid with its micronized formula that glides on clear, giving women an invisible shield of protection.

Speaking of protection, can anyone tell me if that elated girl from the Always commerical is one of the early discards from America’s Next Top Model?

Season 2, I think?

Oh, which Always commercial? You know, the one with the “I Love Cotton” song, where she’s hugging herself and dancing around her bedroom because she’s so happy to be bleeding in her light-coloured cotton clothes. And then her boyfriend comes in and she’s all embarrassed because, as though in the Garden of Eden, with boyo’s presence she becomes aware that it’s not blue water after all and no amount of cotton could ever save her from the curse of being unprotected. Plus her armpits are bumpy and insecure.

I swear, it’s one of the short girls or the boobilicious ones that was too Swimsuit Calendar for Miss Tyra.

Isn’t it almost time for that show to start again? Bring. It.