I am Not the Craziest Person. Not Even Close.

Posted on 5/22/2005 by cheesefairy

For no good reason, I have never liked Florida. Until recent years (US election, Jeb Bush, l’il Elian) I had absolutely no evidence to back up my gut feeling about the Sunshine State. And this gut feeling goes beyond my general disinterest in states like Kansas and Iowa; for Florida I have always felt actual, unfounded revulsion. Exhibit A: When we drove across North America in 1999 we came within two miles of Florida and I beat Saint Aardvark unconscious with a beer can so that I could take the wheel and ensure we didn’t cross the Georgia/Florida border by mistake.

Yes, sometimes I overreact.

But honestly. Florida. Is everyone eating cocaine for breakfast down there? Does all that bayou release CRAZY GAS? Just look at Sugarbush Squirrel, a real squirrel who gets dressed up in clothes and poses for photographs. She belongs to Kelly Foxton, who is a country music, er, artist. And they live in Florida. (thanks, out-of-order-annie, for the link.)

You don’t have to go looking for proof. In the information age, if you wait long enough, proof comes to you.

I wonder if I should trademark that.

Posted in funny, outside | 2 Comments

Who?

Posted on 5/18/2005 by cheesefairy

OK I was totally out with co-workers tonight drinking beer and I didn’t get home in time to watch the SEASON’S FINALE of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL.

Who won? Could somebody please tell me? I am tipsy and desperate and a bet rides on this. I don’t remember the terms of the bet but it’s with Saint Aardvark so it probably involves aliens or more beer for him or a new beowulf cluster of computers.

Lend a hand, won’t you? WHO?

Posted in | 2 Comments

Oh, this Boils My Coffee

Posted on 5/18/2005 by cheesefairy

When I came home from volunteering last night, Tim Stevenson, the NDP candidate for my riding of Vancouver-Burrard, had a clear lead. By the time I had eaten my KD and watched Gordo’s acceptance speech on mute (golden decade! moving forward! moving forward to golden opportunity! forward!), Lorne “I’ll chase you down the street, bad panhandler man, because you’re a menace to society” Mayencourt had a slight edge. And this morning, it appears that Lorne-o has won. How many votes more than Tim did he get? 13.

Forget the idea of vote splitting with the Green Party. Who the fuck voted for the Platinum Party? (“The members of our party are less concerned with policy of the current regime and more concerned about the actual structure of it.” Yeah? I’m concerned about your SENTENCE STRUCTURE.) I’m just curious, because the Platinum Party got 26 votes and Tim needed those votes. Or they could’ve gone to Lorne-o and made his victory a little less – um – asshat.

Sorry. Words fail. Asshat asshat asshat.

Posted in idiots, serious | 4 Comments

Armageddon – Carry me Home!

Posted on 5/17/2005 by cheesefairy

You knew this day would come: GIANT TV PORN!

I have to go out now, so I will leave you to imagine the humungous genitalia plowing into the other humungous genitalia on the GATS’s TV. I just hope he remembered to vote.

Posted in outside, television | 2 Comments

More Smells!

Posted on 5/17/2005 by cheesefairy

Usually my feet don’t smell. But I have just slipped off my slightly pinchy shoes and I caught an up-draft in the left nostril. Yooooeeee. Synthetic shoes are the work of the devil.

I do enjoy their cuteness, though.

The Dead Milkmen wrote a song called “My Many Smells.” Sometimes I just sing that line and let it trail off for other people to pick up but they hardly ever do.

The photocopier has stopped humming. The sun has come out. The Stone Roses CD has ended so I will put Billy Bragg and Wilco (Mermaid Avenue) back in. It’s a jolly album that makes me feel not so alone. (Not that I am suffering from loneliness; just that I am by myself in my cubicle and the duck is having a nap, so. Never wake a sleeping duck.)

It would never have occurred to me when I was dating, (“taller than 6′? check. guitar player? check. points out Big Dipper? [buzzer sound]”) but being married to someone who likes to make pie is really nice. On Sunday, Saint Aardvark said, “I think I’ll make a pie,” and we decided on apple. OK, I suggested apple, because we had these apples with tough, waxy skins and they were just going to go bad there waiting for me to be desperate enough to eat them. We ate it just warm, with vanilla ice cream. Delicious! It was exactly the right thing yesterday afternoon around this time when I needed a snack and lo, behold, etc., it is once again exactly the right thing today.

I wonder if monkeys eat pie and if they do, if they look for other monkeys to mate with who know how to make pie and if they do, what they put in the pie. Grass, coconuts, little spiders, maybe. Monkey Spider Pie!

Posted in ducks, shoes | Comments Off on More Smells!