The Best Number of All

Posted on 5/31/2005 by cheesefairy

So far, Tim Stevenson (NDP) is still ahead of Lorne Mayencourt (Liberal) in the hotly contested riding of Vancouver-Burrard, after two weeks of counting and recounting votes from the May 17th provincial election. By how many votes? SEVENTEEN VOTES.

I love the number 17. I would suck at Sesame Street because I would have the number 17 on every day.

PS: Let the record show, Lorne Mayencourt, that I am not gay and I did not vote for you. So stop whining that the gay community hates you. I hate you too.

Posted in idiots, people | 4 Comments

The Streets? They Have No Name.

Posted on 5/28/2005 by cheesefairy

Tonight GATS is watching his U2 Live DVD again. I can hear it through our open windows, across the traffic.

What does he get from repeated viewings of sweaty Bono and screaming fans and solemn nods from Edge and frenzied drumming from Larry Jr.? If you asked me to predict what GATS would watch more: U2 Live or porn, I’d bet my shoe collection on the porn. Yet only once has he watched the porn and the U2 Live is on ALL THE TIME!

Maybe at his highschool graduation he asked pretty Jessica to dance after staring at her in math class for 6 months. The song was “One” and she said Yes and she wore a little black and white polka-dot dress and low heels and her hair smelled like fruit. His heart did a little flutter when she put her arms around his neck and he imagined them spending the summer together and maybe driving to secluded suburban parking lots and kissing a lot and fooling around with U2 playing softly on the stereo. She danced well, leaned into the music and even pressed up against him as though she meant it but when the song ended she just said, “thanks,” and walked away to chat with her friends, as though it hadn’t meant anything to her, as though it was just a dance.

Here is a little goose made of rock and steel that my dad made.

And here is its mother:

Posted in music, outside, television | 1 Comment

How to Blow Hot Water Out your Nose Because You’re Laughing So Hard

Posted on 5/26/2005 by cheesefairy

1. Go to E-How.com (you may remember this from my last post as the place where you can learn how to purchase and give a 4th anniversary gift.)

2. Search for something. We tried “pooping,” just to see what would turn up. What turned up was “how to house-train a horse.” Apparently this can be done. And then you can find out “how to build a pet-door for your horse” and then you can find out “how to train your horse to use the pet door.”

3. Read the step-by-step instructions.

4. Especially read the red “warning” section at the bottom of some sections. Eg: for the “How to cut your nose hair” section the warning is, “Cutting the inside of your nose hurts. Be cautious with the scissors.”

5. Laugh.

Posted in funny | 1 Comment

The Art of Marriage

Posted on 5/26/2005 by cheesefairy

It’s been four years to the day since our wedding and I still choke on the word “husband.” But when I say “partner” I feel like I’m being deliberately vague. And when I say “boy-toy” nobody believes me.

Odd, isn’t it.

In my second favourite picture from that day, Sarah holds me to my word. The shotgun was left over from the year we went as JFK, ( Michael ) Jackie O. (Sarah) and Lee Harvey Oswald (me) to a Halloween party. It was the perfect party for all of us: Michael had an obscure costume he could explain to people; Sarah looked just like Jackie O. (she does Halloween better than anyone I know) and I got to sit in the corner in my favourite plaid, flannel shirt and a baseball cap, clutching a plastic shotgun and drinking a beer. In other words, looking much as I do at parties anyway.

We didn’t have a cake for our wedding. We have a sister-in-law who makes fantastic pastry and she offered us a cake but we declined. It just wasn’t one of the top ten things we thought we needed.
(10. Wine; 9. Music; 8. Guests; 7. (me) Clothes (SA) A fez; 6. Marriage commissioner; 5. Best man/best woman; 4. Space; 3. Gifts for guests; 2. Rings; 1. Balloons.)

I was talking to a girl the other night and she said her brother is getting married and he and his bride-to-be are discussing cakes that cost upwards of $2,000. They had the sister over for a cake tasting. While she was grateful for the opportunity (cake!), she shared my mystification around $2,000 cakes. I don’t think our whole wedding cost $2,000. On the other hand, some cake might have been nice. I don’t know if I really appreciated cake in 2001 the way I appreciate cake now.

The 4th anniversary is supposed to be themed around books, flowers and fruit according to this crazy website. Among their suggestions: get yourself (and your “other”) titled as a gift. (Only if you enjoy the privileged world, though. Don’t even THINK about it if you don’t.)

Or, purchase an eternity ring. See, these are, “normally given on your first wedding anniversary or your first child’s birth. One thing it proves is you will love each other for an eternity.” It proves it! The ring proves it! Wooohooooh! That’s more precious than life insurance, or coal!

I got to thinking: fruit? Flowers? Books? That can’t be right. I remember those little free calendars my mom used to get from the Carleton Card store. They used to have a list of traditional gifts and it went something like 1: leather 2: paper 3: swine…25: gold…50: diamonds…75: holy crap you’re still alive? I recall no mention of fruit. On the other hand, it seems like a subtle opportunity for parents and in-laws to really turn those “grandchild” screws. “Here’s a basket filled with ripe melons and a flowering, potted violet. Pregnant yet?”

I went to the next page retrieved by google and found that indeed, fruit and flowers (and sometimes linen) really are the traditional 4th anniversary gift. Electrical appliances are the modern version. Books are just a good gift anytime. I went on to another page and they broke it down for me nicely. I’m bookmarking that sucker for the next time I need a step-by-step guide to just about anything.

Fruitcake it is. Seems appropriate.

Posted in outside | 5 Comments

Eaaasssy, Now.

Posted on 5/23/2005 by cheesefairy

Trying to ease myself back into regular, significant writing here. Going to use photos as inspiration for a while. No pronouns, it seems.

Saint Aardvark models the above sunglasses to illustrate why new sunglasses are necessary. (new husband may also be necessary – think this one has expired.)

The good sunglasses got swept away by a Mexican wave; the second best ones got sat on; those above are the third best ones and they cost $2 at a store called “Frank’s Surplus” in Vernon, BC. Wasn’t SERIOUS about the third best ones – bought them to wear them to costume parties or for when become famous but now have to wear them all the time because of sunshine and feel like silly raver or hipster or Jackie O or Bee Woman.

See? Bee with lips.

Posted in outside | 2 Comments