Something I’ve been Thinking About

Posted on 12/8/2005 by cheesefairy

Previously, I was certain that Stephen Harper was the creepiest man in Canadian politics. Those little, beady eyes, the delicate mouth, the impossibly square head with the molded hair. If Legoland had a villain, I think it would be Stephen.

But recently, due to the glut of election coverage & the fact that my workplace accepts three newspapers a day (The Globe & Mail, The Vancouver Sun and the National Post – for perspective!) I have come to realize that actually, something is very, very wrong with Gilles Duceppe, leader of the Bloc Quebecois.

Has he been plastic surgeoned? Is he Gollum? Or a hynotist? He is vaguely reptilian and also somewhat sleazy salesman. (I have a better photo which illustrates the Gollum resemblance, but it’s currently taped to my monitor at work to amuse me during the dark times.)

Of course I would never vote for somebody based on his or her appearance. This isn’t America’s Next Top Model, after all. (I was shocked that during last night’s season finale of said program, I began rooting for Nicole. I kept shouting “Fierce!” at the screen. I abandoned my girl Nik as soon as I saw her with straight hair. She couldn’t bring it with the straight hair. & Nicole on that runway! Hooboy!) But focusing on their looks does prevent me from billowing with rage about whatever asinine thing they’re saying. And a lot of people (at least 4 at last count) seem to agree that controlling my billowing rage is a good thing.

Also, tonight I am going to visit babies! & their parents in the Magnificent Maritimes so my already non-existent posting will remain, er, consistent.

Posted in outside, television | 2 Comments

Google Is Trying to Kill Me and Get Me Fired

Posted on 12/1/2005 by cheesefairy

Yesterday I discovered Google Video. It may be months after everyone else discovered it. Who knows. Last night, doing random searches on google video, we found a home-made video for the theme song from Mortal Kombat.

I love these boys because they are so in love with each other. And because of the dancing! And because of the part where they fight each other while spinning on roll-y office chairs! And especially because of the one boy who shouts “Mortal Kombat!” as though his bum is being pinched.

We also found a video of some teenage girls of Hispanic origin who made their own video for “Slave 4 U” (Slave 2 U? Slave of U?) by Britney Spears. But that one creeped me out a little, on account of the licking of the screen by certain girls and the rubbing of her own genitals by certain other girls.

There was one girl who amused me greatly because she was The One Who Doesn’t Fit In. There had to be 10 girls in this room, all of them gyrating very professionally and lip-synching and taking turns doing EXTREME CLOSE UPS with TONGUE and every once in a while, this other girl, TOWDFI, would wander by, smiling broadly and pumping her arms in the air like she was at an Aerosmith show. Then she’d wander by with a red santa hat on. Then she’d wander by, still smiling like a lunatic, doing some weird bump and grind that reflected her minimal viewing of MTV. She was inspirational.

Posted in funny | 3 Comments

All Right. It’s Done. Bring on December.

Posted on 11/30/2005 by cheesefairy

At approximately 7:15 this evening, on page 117, with my 50,017th word, I completed my November Novel. It does not have a title, though “NovNov” has been suggested and will probably be discarded as a serious prospect.

Those of you who know how I feel about the number 17 can appreciate how excited I was when the character spoke his last, poignant line and the word count added up so beautifully. You can all appreciate my immediate (and somewhat awe-inspiring) rage when, on attempting to validate my word count at the fabulous Nanowrimo wordcount engine place, I discovered that my OFFICIAL wordcount was a scant 49, 939. Fuckers!

So I added some irrelevant dialogue and now I have to go take it out again before I forget.

17 Forever!

Posted in serious | 5 Comments

Update + Warning

Posted on 11/27/2005 by cheesefairy

The rope ladder is still there. And the TV is still on. And it’s 12 hours later.

Incidentally, if CNN ever comes to your house & offers you a free turkey dinner, say no. We saw a “special report” last night exposing the dangers of turkey deep fryers and though we had taken their point about a minute in (specific amounts of specifically temperatured hot oil in a deep pot + whole, perhaps not completely defrosted turkey + drunken holiday cooks = GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!) they went on to do two further demonstrations: one in a controlled environment with a piece of wood behind the deep fryer which proceeded to catch on fire and then be put out (though with some difficulty) and a second at somebody’s house, I guess to show what it would look like outside the controlled environment, in case the television audience is too stupid (what am I saying?) to put together that the wood wall in the control is meant to be, you know, your back door. So they set up the fryer incorrectly on purpose outside someone’s house somewhere in America and they fill it with too much oil and they overheat it and then they toss in a giant turkey and fwoooom! there’s a big fireball and then the window blows out and the back door catches on fire! This is someone’s house! The “reporter” says, “We had the fire department standing by so that the damage was contained…” well whoop dee do, buddy, you still just set someone’s house on fire to demonstrate something we had already seen several times. Happy freaking thanksgiving to you, too.

I’m waiting for the “special report” on vicious dogs or serial killers. Those should be good.

Posted in outside | 5 Comments

FYI

Posted on 11/26/2005 by cheesefairy

If anyone would like to experience Hockey Night in Canada on GATS’s big cock television, he has extended a rope ladder from his window and it is hanging to within a few feet of the sidewalk.

So, you know, head on over. I think he has lots of LGD.

In other sports-related news, there are a lot of people in town to watch football and this means that a) the streets are crowded and b) public farting is at an all-time high. I was walking down Robson this afternoon and got caught in a crowd and I swear this guy in front of me had been eating peanuts and beer since 6 am and he just kept farting. And I couldn’t move! I was trapped!

Be careful out there.

Posted in outside | Comments Off on FYI