The Day the Music Choked on a Pickle & No one was Around to Heimlich.

Posted on 2/10/2006 by cheesefairy

This morning on my way into my building of work I passed a gentleman wearing black trousers and black silk shirt, a gold chain adorning his hairy neck and pointy leather loafers on his feet. He tossed his flaxen, feathered hair out of his tanned, wrinkled face. He nodded at me.

As I do not work on the set of “Scarface,” I was confused. Until I remembered: it’s karaoke day!

My building of work sponsors a yearly event to honour Valentine’s Day. It involves performing, karaoke-style, in the great hollow centre of the building, amongst the food-fair patrons, a song of your choice. (ideally a love song) Said song is recorded to CD, which is then given to you (ideally to gift your sweetheart with your dulcet tones) and you are admired by all your co-workers and random passers-by. At least I think that’s how it’s supposed to work.

Last year I threatened to do this and later reneged. The only people I saw singing were the blonde hostess (90% of the time) and a group of women – known to me in a nod-in-the-elevator sort of way – singing “I Will Always Love You.”

This year, I was tempted to go down and request “Armageddon” by Prism, as I am currently obsessed with this song, but decided it would be too hard to make the shooting star noises all by myself (usually Saint Aardvark helps with the sound effects) and I should to go to work instead. (Incidentally, “Armageddon” was recorded with the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra, lo those many years ago. We have always been a world-class city!)

Anyway, I forgot about the karaoke AGAIN until just now when I returned from lunch and was waiting for our one functioning heritage elevator to finish its leisurely tour of the building. As I waited, the unmistakeable beginnings of four off-key women singing “American Pie” started to float towards me. And just as the players tried for a forward pass, (with the jester on the sidelines, in a caaaaaast) the elevator came, saving me from what could only have become a world of hurt.

Rule 1. No karaoke without beer.
Rule 2. Since I can’t have beer, no one gets karaoke in my presence.

Posted in music | 3 Comments

Limping Along, Singing my Song

Posted on 2/6/2006 by cheesefairy

I should have used the foam earplug between my toes a week ago! What blissful world is this where the earplug nestles comfortably and stays in place without the benefit of tape or glue? Foam earplugs: not just for tuning out your neighbour’s incessant electronic music anymore!

Gino Vanelli has made a new pop album.

Now, try to forget I said that! Ha! You can’t! Neither can I! I refuse to suffer alone with this knowledge.

We kept hearing this wretched song on the radio, it was all “Jazz Choir”y, you know, like in grade 10? about how it’s only love and don’t worry about it and it’s only love hey I can learn to live without it culminating with this no-soul wail about how the singer would like us to “excuse [him] while he goes off and [dies]…” with a big long trill on the “iiiiiiiiii” part of “die” and everytime we heard it, Saint Aardvark would say, “who the hell is this again? Is it Big Gay Al?” and I would say, “I think it must be a Canadian Idol winner… it has that desperate false showmanship about it, mixed with a voice I don’t recognize, combined with uber-frequent airplay (indicating Canadian Content)…” (only I said it much less coherently because, of late, I am much less coherent – pregnant-head is not a myth, people; yesterday I tried locking my apartment door with the front-door key and then got really frustrated when it wouldn’t work ) but as it turns out, the singer in question is Mr. Wild Horses himself. Hey, I liked Wild Horses enough. 20 years ago.

My favourite part of that fansite (other than ALL THE PHOTOS especially the crotch shot with Gino reading Walt Whitman, oh and can you imagine meeting this hair in a dark alley?) is near the end and yes, this is a cheap shot as the site’s owner obviously does not speak English as a first language, but: “Beware of new Gino Vannelli live concerts in the Winter of 2006”? Awesome. Thanks for the tip!

Posted in funny, music | 5 Comments

An Actual Cheese Post

Posted on 2/2/2006 by cheesefairy

The so-called “Black Widow” (because she has out-eaten so many men…presumably she has not actually EATEN any men) has won $8,000 for consuming 26 grilled cheese sandwiches.

I may try that contest at home this weekend. Except I don’t need prize money – just the sweet, sweet flavour of grilled cheese sandwiches sailing down into the bottomless pit that is my gut. Mmm.

Posted in cheese | 5 Comments

Tale of Two Toes

Posted on 2/1/2006 by cheesefairy

OK, what is the name of the toe next to the pinky toe? Let’s say Charles. (My horoscope says I should name things.)

Charles is suffering because the pinky toe, whose real name is Edith, loves him soooooooo much she wants to snuggle up next to him real close and never let go. Charles is more of a solitary toe; he likes Edith fine, mind you, but he would prefer to be left to his jam collecting and nail-growing.

Last week Charles told Edith that he wanted some space. In fact, he mentioned his desire to get to know Sally, the toe on the other side of him, a little better. Rather than thanking him for his honesty and keeping her distance for a little while, Edith moved closer to Charles; a classic mistake. She knew, deep down, that gripping a handful of sand only makes it run through one’s fingers faster, but she couldn’t battle the instinct that told her to stay close, to never let him go.

It’s hard being a toe. You can’t escape the toes around you or your constraints. Charles strained and stretched but he just wasn’t getting anywhere. He felt jailed within the socks and shoes of my daily life and Edith was that tattooed bully in the prison yard.

Sally kept her opinions to herself, but if pressed, she would have admitted that she found Charles to be a little clingy and perhaps what he disliked so about Edith was reflected in his own personality.

One day recently Charles began to feel as though he was actually losing pieces of himself to Edith’s affection. He felt raw, exposed, as though he would never be Just Charles again. Parts of her were sticking to him, no matter how he shrank away. His defenses down, worn by her unending touch, he began to disappear.

I decided to step in and place a barrier between the two of them. I tried bandages, cotton balls and thought briefly about using foam earplugs. But when I tried to place socks and shoes over my bandaged feet and get on with my day (which, at the moment, involves socks and shoes) I found that my shoes rubbed unpleasantly against Edith’s outside edge, which had to this point been tucked neatly under Charles’ broad shoulder. With a cranky Edith and a miserable Charles, my pleasant 15 minute walk to work was turning into a psychological and physiological battle; me against my toes, my toes against each other.

The first solution presented itself: amputation! However, the internet presented only scary stories and besides, I like my toes. Charles especially. And Big Joe.

Saint Aardvark suggested sandals. I disregarded this suggestion.

The compromise I’ve reached with Charles, Edith, Sally, Frankie and Big Joe is that I’ll leave the bandage in place between the two estranged, with a special “hoodie” bandage over Edith, to give her some dark time to think about her life and go shoe-less as much as possible. Arlo (the arch) agreed to participate, though he does feel a little flat at the moment due to my having walked funny for a few days.

All I needed to hear was a grateful sniffle from Charles to know that I had done the right thing.

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For your “I did not know that” Files

Posted on 1/26/2006 by cheesefairy

I’m shopping for someone else who requested a Rolodex (TM). (You know, those thingees that hold index cards that you’ve scribbled information on – which you will later have to cross out and re-write – and have to flip through every time you want to find a number or, as I suspect this particular Rolodex (TM) will be used, an email address). This first model I encountered in my catalogue is a “rotary swivel file:”

“This file comes fully equipped with 500 cards and 24 insertable A-Z index tabs. The 360 degree swivel action allows you to view and access cards more efficiently.”

How much do you think this costs? HOW MUCH, WALLY? $15? $30? INCORRECT. $106.99.

I am officially stunned stupid.

Posted in outside | 6 Comments