Letter to an Enigma

Dear Translink,

First, I want to thank you. About 2 weeks ago, I missed the bus from my son’s daycare (the bus was early and I was on time). Then I missed a different bus going in another direction (I was walking uphill and I ain’t so fast no more). After waiting for what seemed like long enough and having noted the guy with the walkie-talkie phone approaching the bus stop, I decided to walk the 12 blocks to the Skytrain. And what a lovely walk. I passed many houses I cannot afford and thought fondly of the day in the future when I will not be walking to a train to go to work but instead lying on my living room floor having coffee with babies. I also passed the bus I had missed. Then I passed another bus, which would have been 10 minutes earlier. And I got to the train station BEFORE EITHER OF THE BUSES! I know! It was so incredibly awesome! Plus – I got exercise and here I was thinking just the other day how much I should like some exercise. So there, Translink. Though I know it was not your intention, you have improved my life. Suck it.

Now, I have been gathering some thoughts about your new Skytrain announcements. (I guess you got a discount on the robot voice or something – good score!) First there was the “put your garbage in the bin and your papers in the box” announcement, which would play 3 times during my 30 minute ride and annoyed me no end because 1. those fucking papers didn’t exist 3 years ago and now they’re on the ground and making everyone into zombie idiots and it’s your fault and 2. Thanks, got it. Thanks. Thanks! Got it.

After a week, that announcement went away and the other day I heard one saying, “Oh, by the way, you are in a fare paid zone, you know. Make sure you have a paid fare on you. Or else.”

Number one: I have been commuting every day for 4 months now and no one has checked my fare on the Skytrain, not once.

Number two: What you obviously don’t realize because you never take transit is that the average commuter is not listening to you and also doesn’t give a damn about anyone but him/herself. The average commuter believes s/he has already done her civic duty by taking transit and any other civilized behavior is just gravy for the rest of us. Thus, your subtle, polite approach is like tossing flakes of skin in a river and hoping to make a dam. Might I suggest something more like:

“Look up! Is that an old person in front of your face? Get off your lazy ass and give up your seat!” (can be repeated for the disabled, heavily pregnant, etc.)

“Your backpack is hitting someone in the face. Take it off.”

“You, with the brown hair. Move back or this train will explode.”

“Don’t wipe your snot on the pole.”

It seems like overkill, right? But you know, I have observed all of these behaviors on the train and the bus (yes, even the snot on the pole) and I think that people need a harsh reminder.

Oh yes, I have also noted that you are trying to teach transit etiquette with a series of public service ads. Picture of kid stretched out over four seats, listening to loud music. Picture of woman gabbing on cell phone. “Don’t act like you’re the only one on the bus.” Again, it’s a little subtle for the assholes, Translink. You need something more like,

Turn your music down, cocksucker. Everyone hates Insane Clown Posse. or

Put your legs together. Your balls aren’t important to anyone else.

You see? There is no mistaking the intent of a PSA like that. The intent is to STOP THE BEHAVIOR, not to educate those for whom it is too late. They are old dogs, these commuters. Old, poorly trained dogs. As Maverick famously says in Top Gun, “It’s too close for missiles; I’m switching to guns.”

I leave you with one last brilliant idea. Take the transit cops, the new ones with guns, and stick one on every commuter bus at rush hour. Station him/her at the back doors. Have him point his shiny gun at each passenger who stops short at the back doors, unable to see the vast prairie of space BEYOND THE BACK DOORS (possible memoir title?) and have him say, “There’s room at the back. Get back there or I shoot you.” Why do you have cops with guns on the transit system if you’re not going to use them to threaten people?

Oh Translink. You’re still better than driving because you’re cheaper and better for the environment and to figure out your wacky operations is a great mental task and one that I am better for having almost mastered. However, your day-to-day enjoyability, your mouth-feel, shall we say, is quite shallow. Quite pale. Quite flat. Like a slab of old, farmed halibut.

Oh and don’t even think about raising fares until you’ve addressed my concerns.

All my sweet, sweet lovin,

– cheesefairy