Three Thoughts from the Road

– Y’know, sir, your bumper sticker “I’m only speeding because I have to poop!” would be a lot funnier if you weren’t driving 30 kph. No, no, it’s not a school zone or anything. It’s just a regular road, in the middle of the day; it’s just you and me, sir, except that I want to get where I’m going and I’m afraid that you’ve actually died or pooped en-route and are slowly suffocating from the smell.

Actually I retract my first statement. That bumper sticker isn’t funny at all. My kid ate turkey this week and spent 2 days farting like that guy at the bar who eats pickled eggs and peanuts for dinner. I don’t want to think about anyone’s poop.

– Hi, Kitchener Elementary School? Yeah, it’s me again. I haven’t been up this road in a while (3.5 years since that blog post. Yowsa.) and I was pleased to note that you have a new sign requesting that we all slow down so as not to run over your precious children. The old sign was cardboard and black felt pen. The new sign looks like it was printed at a printer’s shop. Good for you! But I have one question. Why does it still say

“Please” slow down
our children are worth it

?

What do those quotation marks mean? It was bad enough that you had them on the previous sign but you went to the trouble of making a new sign and then repeated your mistake. And you’re EDUCATING our FUTURE! Stop it. “Stop it,” I say, “Stop it!”

– And lastly, LORDCO. I have got to believe that this local car parts dealer has an office staffed by drunk orangutans because I have seen some of the worst driving ever performed by people within clearly marked LORDCO vehicles whose bumpers display the laughable plea, “If you see this vehicle being driven in an irresponsible manner, please call xxx-xxxx.” I imagine it goes like this:

“Good afternoon, this is Lordco. Oh really? Some guy in a Lordco car cut you off and gave you the finger? Hmmm, that is HIGHLY unusual. We will definitely write up a report! Thanks for your call!”
“Hey, Joe! We got another call about Frankie! Yeah, I know, he’s going to get the monthly bonus this time for SURE! Wahoo!”

This guy today changed lanes about 17 times, weaving in and out, in and out without signalling once; driving three times as fast as Mr. Has-To-Poop and when I pulled up next to him at a red light (“Oh? Did you get to the red light TOO? Too bad all your assholey driving didn’t get you someplace BETTER THAN HERE.”) he just sat there, banging his head to his loud crap-rock, mirrored sunglasses reflecting his grimy knuckles as his hands clutched the steering wheel, ignoring my blatant stink-eye. Hey! No one ignores my stink-eye. NO ONE.

And (as I’ve taken to saying to Trombone at bedtime) this concludes our broadcast day.