What Not to Do

If, over the weekend, your coffee grinder stopped working and all you had in the house was coffee beans but it was a coffee emergency! so your Aardvark and his brother, who was staying the night, went to get emergency! Tim Hortons coffee to drink right away and also a tin of the ground stuff to make a second cup so you end up drinking a cup of Tim Hortons blend coffee for your first Monday cup, it is inadvisable to go to Superstore and try to buy deodorant.

Scratch that. It is inadvisable to go to Superstore and try to buy anything.

Double your fun if you take a baby with you.

I bought a three-pack of pit stick several years ago at Costco. I finished it recently (as I write that I think – is that a lot or a little of time to go through 3 pit sticks? Does that make me sound smelly or normal?) and bought a tube of Dove moisturizing unscented stick. I don’t like it much. I am having to turn the little knob at the bottom more frequenly than I ever did with the Degree and the unscentedness is actually a metallic odour that reacts unpleasantly with my own fragrant tang.

So today as I stood before the great wall of Superstore pit stick I sought something with a scent. A light scent to blend with my own. No baby powder or sport scent (wouldn’t that just be – sweat?) or Pole Dancer or anything like that. I don’t know. I don’t know what I was looking for; didn’t you read the first paragraph about the coffee? Exactly. I actually went to Superstore for butter. Make of that what you will.

Secret (strong enough for a smelly man; gentled into a shapely container for a woman’s delicate grasp) has about 400 different scents. I’m SERIOUS. “Rainy Day.” “Purple haze.” “Communist Plot.” And? “Vanilla Chai.” Guess which one I bought?

Here’s a hint: my pits smell like a subtle blend of cinnamon, cardamom, vanilla, black tea and milk.

Actually, they smell like the candle isle of a dollar store. But why else do I work if not to afford the little treats in life?

(Now that I am home I have looked it up and it’s the Scent Expressions line of pit stick. You can do a quiz (“Which Secret Deodorant am I?”) and it tells you which pit stick to pick. Thanks a lot, Secret. I was supposed to buy Arctic Pear. Ah, hindsight is a bitch.)

And yes, I also bought a tin of good coffee.

PS: Trombone can crawl.