OMIGOD everybody! the Miss Poledance Canada competition is going to be in Vancouver on March 29th! No, no, no, zip your pants back up, it’s not an exotic showcase. It’s FITNESS. FITNESS, y’all. It’s a way for women to get FIT and explore their sensuality safely. Because swimming is too equipment-heavy and aerobics is so ’80s and you can’t jog in a sparkly bra.
Well of course there are rules. And I am going to select some to share with you.
Rules for applicants:
1 The candidate is of the female gender.
2 The candidate must be at least 19 years of age.
3 The candidate speaks English reasonably well.
4 The candidate is not employed in the pornography industry.
For the contestants, who:
10. Will be advised, assisted and supervised with respect to her conduct and welfare for the duration of the competition.
And for the winners, who:
2. Shall conduct herself with decorum during her reign and shall NOT commit any immoral, illegal or any act or behaviour which, in the sole opinion of the Organizer could bring disrepute, ridicule or contempt to the Miss Pole Dance Canada image and reputation.
3. Will not, appear in print or video pornography during her reign.
Additionally, all must participate thusly:
Disqualification During the Competition
1 Contestants may not wear boots of any kind.
2 Acts of masturbation or other indecent behavior are prohibited.
3 Contestants must have full bottoms at all times, no g-strings.
4 It is forbidden to perform the show nude or partially nude.
5 During the show, the candidate may not converse with the audience.
6 It is forbidden to remove ANY items of clothing even if there is clothing underneath.
7 The art of pole dancing is the center point. Focus on fitness and presentation, not on sensuality. Any sexual suggestion will not be tolerated.
8 There is no touching of the breasts, buttocks or crotch area.
9 Any failure to abide by the above-mentioned rules will result in immediate disqualification.
The Competition
1 The candidate may choose the music for her show.
2 A pole dance show has a maximum duration of 6 minutes
3 The candidate appears in eveningwear for the introductions.
4 During the introductions, the candidate will be interviewed by the host and will have to respond to a number of questions.
5 “Look, dress and act like a lady.â€
6 An expert jury will judge the candidates on the basis of presentation, clothing, response to questions, pole dancing performance and technical difficulty.
EXPERT JURY!
No, but seriously, I like number 5 the best. Look, dress and act like a lady. What does that even mean in the context of a National Poledancing Competition?
See Reiko? (allaway at the bottom) Miss Poledancing WORLD is coming all the way from Japan to school you varied-occupation competitors. Look at those muscles. No, no, no don’t look at the shoes, look at the MUSCLES. It’s FITNESS. She is wearing the 5 inch stilletos because she’s a lady.
Oh and also? The prizes are for 1st, 2nd and 3rd, but, “There is additional recognition for Best Pole Tricks and Miss Congeniality.”
1. Best Pole Tricks!
2. Miss Congeniality! She is so friendly to poles!
Y’know, if poledancing works for you and gives you the muscles you always wanted and makes you feel nice about your sexuality, hoorah. No, I absolutely do not think I could do any better. I am certain I would fall off a pole in about .8 seconds, bump my head, get really cranky and need a couple of strong drinks to recover. Plus I can’t even walk in 2 inch heels let alone dance in 5 inchers. But a National (or World) competition of poledancers is a big, horny excuse to put sex on stage. Again – there’s nothing wrong with that, in and of itself, but let’s not pretend it’s about fitness. It’s called POLE DANCING. It’s about PENISES.
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