Aquarius Rules the Ankles

Around this time of year a little ditty starts bouncing off my brain’s walls. Go ahead, hit play while you read the rest.

If astrology makes you furious with frustration at the fraility of the human condition, skip down a few paragraphs.

Here are some Aquarian qualities, in case you are unfortunate enough not to have any Aquarians as friends. (Me, I have approximately One Bazillion Aquarian friends, which is no small feat if you consider the characteristics of an Aquarius) Behold:

Individuals born under this sign are thought to have a creative, challenging, entertaining, progressive, stimulating, and independent character, but one which is also prone to rebelliousness, coldness, erraticism, cowardice, and impracticality. In terms of anatomy, Aquarius is said to rule the legs from knees to ankles and the circulation of blood (from wikipedia because all the astrology websites had so much flash and spinning, glittery lights I felt a touch of the epilepsy coming on.)

Saint Aardvark is also an Aquarius but because he doesn’t believe in fairy dusters, patchouli sniffers and such unscientific claptrap as astrology, we won’t discuss him here except to say that he is as Aquarian as I am. Our house is filled to the gills with weirdness and we have so much cowardice between us that we rarely discuss anything more contentious than whether or not ketchup is a food.

Or here, maybe this is clearer:

Aquarius has a strong need for independence and individualism, and while members of this sign can be somewhat idiosyncratic they are also very original and inventive. Aquarius is visionary and creative, but rebellious, too. Aquarius’ job is to challenge authority, tear down existing structures, and replace the outdated with something better. Thus, Aquarius can be capable of great extremes. This sign acts in rather sudden and unexpected ways, thanks to being ruled by Uranus, the planet of surprise. (from Astrology Zone.)

When I read these descriptions of my astrological sign I feel kind of bad that I haven’t been living up to it lately. Yes, I have been as idiosyncratic as ever, but I certainly have not been tearing down existing structures, nor have I been challenging authority. I have been huffing the fumes of visionary, progressive unusualness without actually starting my engine. This is a metaphor for too much blogreading, not enough blogwriting. You probably got that all on your own.

This time of year, though, my brain gets a psychic boost; the days are getting longer, the rain is abating somewhat and I get cake, so I feel confident enough to commit to a revitalized, ankle-ruling Aquarian me.

Moving right along:

I was unsure at first whether I would live to this day, my 33rd birthday, because shortly after I took my leave of the Internet, Donald Trump was a guest on the Tyra Banks Show and I thought certainly the world would end at 5 pm pacific time, after that show finished, on account of the egosplosion. I recall that Tyra called Donald a pimp and then clarified, “…but the good kind, you know?” He did.

Guess the world just isn’t ready to end yet. That’s cool.

I’ve made some resolutions regarding this blog. I’m not going to tell you what they are, but they include less thorough editing because to my mind, this is the lesser of two evils. I am meticulous, as listed on my resume, which is a good quality in an employee but in an unpaid blogger who does it for The Fun, not so much. Kind of like cutting off your ears to sell to a black market ear-harvester so that you can afford tickets to a John Mayer show.

In light of this, here are some notes I made in notebooks over the last two weeks while I was not surfing the Internet nor blogging:

– Dove is PRO AGE not ANTI AGE that is why they are selling you AGE-SPECIFIC PIT STICK using AGED MODELS. Yes, I like the idea of real sized women modeling. What are they selling? Oh, FIRMING CREAM. Excellent. We love you just the way you are so buy our firming cream. Hey old ladies, we love you just the way you are, that’s why we developed this special moisturizer just for you to keep you looking young!

– Old man on the street with his dog. Dog is half a block away from him on one of those stretchy leashes. Dog is staring at the street. It’s one of those dogs with an underbite. Man is waiting patiently. As I walk by, man says “he’s a stubborn old dog,” and I say “yes?” The man says, “he just wants to stand there and look at the world. But it’s the same world every day! There’s nothing new!” I laugh. Wonder what the dog sees.

– Put on shoes, put the baby in the car, drive the car out of the parking garage, pop in Ben Folds Five, hit the highway, drive really really fast. Fucking awesome.

– Dear World: McSHUTUP and stop McMcing everything dammit. Most annoying trend ever. Plus I started it years ago. I’m so innovative. It’s an Aquarian trait.

– Tyra Banks is my height and weight exactly! How exciting for me! By now, you all know she uttered heartfelt pleas to the world to allow everyone to be her own size and to be happy as such. Some tabloid called her fat or something. She cried. Her audience cried. That’s all nice and everything but it cements my belief that America’s Next Top Model Tyra and Tyra Banks Show Tyra are two different Tyras. I know – 2 women that crazy? I know. But how else do you explain that ANTM Tyra is someone who judges women on their beauty – conventional beauty, accepted beauty, skinny butt beauty – while Tyra Banks Show Tyra is telling the world not to judge women based on their appearances. See? How else could Tyra Banks Show Tyra do a show on eating disorders and NOT ONCE mention that she created and dragon-breathes-the-fire-into a television show that gathers young, impressionable women from across the country, chooses or doesn’t a handful of them to compete against one another so that one – ONLY ONE – can have the privilege of then using her face, body, hair and “fierceness” to sell products (but not Dove products because they are all about Real Women) to other young, impressionable women who think that using X product will make them look like the girl who models X which is commonly accepted as the best way to look and guess what none of these women has the same body as me or Tyra. No ma’am.

The Two Tyras. Someday, someone will make a Godzilla-type movie about a tall, crazy ex-supermodel with more ego than Diddy and Trump combined and how she encounters her doppleganger in New York City and then they battle it out using high-rises as light-sabers and their stilletto heels as weapons. Only one Tyra can win.

Didja miss me? I’m not bringing sexy back but I am bringing something. A fruit platter. A planetary confluence. An odd numbered year with subtitles. Nonsense. Whimsy. Animal noises. Chocolate pudding. Thanks for reading.