Liberals = Forward!

Saint Aardvark is in America, (I know! They let him in! With that beard!) geeking it up for a week and I’ve gone bachelor. Currently eating a frozen lasagna (from M&M Meat shops – and it’s surprisingly tasty and yes I heated it) out of the plastic pan, watching Entertainment Tonight. Tonite? Tonight.

No sooner did nablopomo close its heavy doors but some gremlins in the computer made the cheeseblog disappear! Plus, my email! As I am Totally Blogged Out, I spent the afternoon staring at the TV while it broadcast the Leadership Convention for Canada’s Liberal Party. They did it up really well! They’ve got some money, those Liberals. There were even fireworks at the end. Just like a Nickelback show.

I’m not a Liberal. And I didn’t think I was particularly interested in the leadership convention. But last night I turned on the TV when Bob Rae was speaking and suddenly it was like a reality show. I had to find out who won. I kept looking for Tyra but she was totally not there.

I used to think Michael Ignatieff was handsome but close up he looks a bit like Norman Bates. Also, I’m pretty sure I heard him assert during his speech yesterday that “Aboriginals enjoy the same rights as the rest of Canada” and that kind of canard cannot go unpunished. So Bye! Bye! mon cowboy, no leadership for you.

Anyway, Stephane Dion won (all you Americans are so glad you came by, no?) and he does not appear to be powerful enough to be Prime Minister but hey: I live in constant amazement that prime minister Stephen Harper hasn’t melted yet so I could yet be surprised by the little grey-haired professor who named his dog Kyoto after the Accord.

I was watching with the sound off & closed captioning on. I recommend this. 1. The spelling mistakes are often hilarious and 2. You can discover things that might escape you if you were listening. For example, we already knew that “moving forward” was like a bowl of Cool Whip in its useless fluffiness and inexplicable popularity amongst those who try to sound smarter than they are. But did you know that close on its heels is “transformative change?” Now, there’s a phrase. I have seen it written countless times and heard it uttered even more times. I’ve typed it. I’ve even booked meetings for crowds of people where Transformative Change was the topic. (ha ha! Muffins for everyone!) I know people who champion it. But – amazingly – until today, I didn’t realize how significantly awful it is.

I find it useful to role-play when attempting to cut through bafflegab:

“So with the new initiatives, which way are we moving?”
“FORWARD!”
“Not backward? You’re sure? The initiatives are NEW, remember.”
“No! Forward! The way forward is forward. Moving forward!”

See how fun?

“What kind of change?”
“The transFORMATIVE kind!”
“As opposed to…”
“The kind where nothing transFORMS!”
“So, not change at all, then?”
“CoRRECT!”

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said, “Unless you’re a hemorrhoid: get off my ass!” Now sir, ma’am; you’re just INVITING hemorrhoids to blight you, while not really providing any incentive for me not to hit you. You saying I’m going to want to not think of myself as a hemorrhoid so much that I’m going to change lanes and stop tailgating?

Where are the bumper stickers that say NOTHING? Nice, long strips of sticker with no words. That way, no one squints up against their windshield to see what it says and that way, you, mr. bumperstickerman, don’t get rear-ended. Which I’m pretty sure is what you’re trying to avoid. As you move forward.