I started writing this this morning while drinking coffee and thinking about how much I prefer snot to puke. Did you think that said “not to puke”? That is the first fundamental truth: I prefer NOT to puke. But if I have a choice of bodily fluid to clean up, I pick snot over puke. As bodily fluids go.

Something I never really considered before I had children was what kind of bodily fluids I prefer. There are many things to consider, you know, many more than I ever realized. I am not complaining about the continued action here at Virus Central because after this month (and possibly the next month) our immunity will be so strong we will be able to win any reality show. I just hope it’s different reality shows for each of us so that we each win a million dollars AND pave the way to an appearance on Celebrity Apprentice someday. (Also I kind of hope Trombone gets on Survivor so he has to try some new foods.)

I used to watch The Apprentice, years ago, and then it got boring. During the dry – ha, but not really dry at all! – spell of this past March when there was a) nothing on TV and b) my face hurt a lot – and c) I already told you all the stuff I read so it’s not like my brain is liquifying but that I just needed some damn Gossip Girl you know? Actually a LOT of Gossip Girl. I needed a Gossip Girl marathon but the TV was giving me stupid shows I don’t like – I saw an ad for the Celebrity Apprentice so I told the DVR to record it and then was shocked to realize that it is a two-hour show. Why is it two hours? TWO HOURS.

I say I need TV but I don’t need two hours of any show. If I had two hours to spend, I would watch a movie. I have to be in bed by 9:30 so I don’t end up staying up till 11. It’s a very slippery slope in my brain, you guys. Maybe it is liquifying. Maybe I should solidify my brain with something fibrous. Maybe I should watch that show on the Knowledge Network about the old British guy. Now that’s fibrous. Anyway. I failed to notice that Celebrity Apprentice is two hours long before I started watching it. The first hour is the best part anyway; the whole second hour is dramatic music and grown adults screaming at each other. Thankfully since then, a lot of the good TV has returned so I will be able to save Celebrity Apprentice for those truly desperate sick days that I’m sure we won’t have any more of because of our super immunity.

I complain a lot about snot, but snot is way better than puke. Even the words: puke. Vomit. Barf. They’re bad. I am not a barf person. I mean, no one is, right, but some people I’m sure are better at barf than me. People who are more used to it. We don’t have a lot of barfing in our house, the ratio of snot to barf has been 50:3. Lucky, I know.

I don’t barf often and when I do, because I am 37, I can put it tidily in a toilet bowl and wave goodbye to it. I don’t wake up at 11:30 pm and go “what’s happening!” and then barf all over my room. Thank god the kids don’t share a room (yet!) or that would have been two children covered in barf. I would have probably just collapsed in it and gone back to sleep.

Snot doesn’t smell. This is really important, in the bodily fluids preference thing. I guess the best possible scenario would be the caregiver with a sinus infection and unable to smell anything and THEN barfing. Maybe next time.

While I am not fond of snot I do know the best ways of dealing with it and of getting a snotty toddler to put his face to me so that I might wipe it. When in doubt just grab on like you’re going for a ride up a rope tow and don’t let go until the tissue or cloth you’re holding is sodden.

Related: Fresco, who has a new name for himself every eight seconds, who knows where he gets THAT from, decided yesterday his name was SUPERSNAIL. Which is appropriate, as he has that slow, sticky feel to him. Is yesterday’s snot a new snot? Will we all have snot in three days? Could it possibly be related to Trombone’s random barfery of Tuesday, 11:30 pm? Let’s hope so.

April is awesome. No really it is. We barf, we clean it up, we move on. It’s just life and life is good. Happy Friday.

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