Three Things I Don’t Want

I used my phone’s camera to take a photo today. I don’t do this very often because I am still in the “oh, I have a phone in my purse?” camp. Late, but dedicated adopter, right? Anyway, I was in a store, and I won’t say what store because I fear they would arrest me for taking a picture in their store – I remember being in the same store, many many years ago, in Kentucky, and we were so thrilled to finally be in a 24-hour version of this store, in the middle of the night, enjoying the air conditioning, that we took pictures and then some staff person came over and told us it was illegal. Store-illegal, not law-illegal. Still, we were in Kentucky so we obeyed. It was a dry county! That meant you had to drive to nearby Virginia for a beer! Who knows what they would do to store-rule-breakers.

Fresco was looking at the toys in Unnamed Store and I, bored, looked up and saw this, exactly as pictured:

Oh. How I laughed. Also, Lazy Baby is only $5. Also, I still don’t want one.

Taking a photo with my phone reminded me that a few weeks ago I saw something else quite befuddling, though not quite as funny, at Winners, which store has never threatened me with legal action so I will post their name freely. I was looking for a trivet, which is THE HARDEST thing to find in a store, ever, apparently, and so I was in the Housewares section of the store and I saw this:

Text reads: Low Carb. It’s not right. It’s not enough. And I am not satisfied! Low Fat.

At first I thought it meant “I ate low carb and it wasn’t satisfying so now I’m switching to low fat” but now I see that the wall-hanging (for that is what it is: a piece of stone meant to be hung on your wall, in your house) means Diets Are Dumb, which is certainly something I can get behind but do you need a plaque proclaiming it? Why not just have a bagel and cream cheese and put up a nice painting of some birds on your wall?

That brings me to my final WTF Photo, which I took before Christmas, again at Winners, and I spoke to Fresco at the time about how messed up this thing is but he didn’t care because he was pressing all the buttons on something.

Yes, that is a Barbie head Pez dispenser. It is a foot tall, its head the size of my fist or possibly bigger. Putting aside the question of Pez in general, where you are eating candy from someone’s esophagus, why the hell did anyone make one this big? It’s taller than an entire Barbie doll! With its creepy, lidded eyes staring at you, like some dolled up candy overlord.

“Barbie…I just want a candy…OK Barbie?”
“No candy for you. You’re on a low carb low fat no sugar diet, remember? Here, eat this stick of celery. Then you will be THIN LIKE BARBIE. But not as beautiful.”
“No Barbie, I know I can never be as beautiful as you! I just want some Pez!” *sob*
“Keep it up, you LAZY BABY. I can listen to you cry all day.”

Oh Barbie. Why is she so angry?

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