Notes From Mother’s Journal: How to Defeat a Cold In Five Easy Steps

1. Take vitamins

If the magic juice with four grillion micrograms of vitamin C is half price, buy it and drink it. It’s so magic, it says on the bottle not to drink more than a cup a day. Believe in the magic of vitamins.

2. Lower stress levels

For example, the minding of small children should be avoided when fighting sickness. Their little voices will seem louder to your tender ears than a thousand bulldozers and more strident than a flock of mosquitoes. You will want to shout at them to stop shouting and hypocrisy is the Mother’s Enemy.

3. Stay away from common allergens

Give away your cat.
Get your head out of the vacuum cleaner.
Don’t eat cheese.
Drink rum. It will burn the viruses out of your body.

4. Laugh often.

If, for example, your child puts a motorized mouse toy on your mother’s head and your mother’s hair becomes entangled in the wheels and you must cut the motorized mouse toy free with nail scissors, you should probably laugh at this until your belly is sore and your buttocks are missing.

5. If all else fails, release anger and frustration, also known as Brain Toxins, with a small rant on your personal weblog about car traffic. Demarcate it from the rest of your post, so that you will not associate it with yourself but rather with The Sickness, which needs purging.

I don’t know if the road crews that work along Canada Way are reading this but I need to tell them something and I am afraid to talk to them while I’m driving because I think they are a cranky bunch (yes, their jobs are stressful, I know, DRIVE LIKE MY CHILD WORKS THERE, but still) and also, it’s illegal to talk while driving, right? So, road crew dudes?

ONE: When you put the sign up that says the right lane is ending ahead because of construction, only really it’s the LEFT lane? That fucks us up. You guys do this a lot. Once, it was annoying. Twice, it was super annoying. Thrice, I’m all thrice? THRICE? You’re making me talk like a renaissance faire patron because you can’t look at the damn sign before you put it up? Come on now.

TWO: However, when you don’t put the “warning, random lane is closing ahead” sign up at all and just put a bunch of pylons in one of the lanes? That fucks us up too. This morning, for example, nobody knew we were changing lanes until whoops! Too late! Dead pylons. Maybe that’s why you have so many workplace injuries? Not because the drivers aren’t paying attention but because you are not letting us know what the hell is going on?

THREE: Whoever came up with the electronic billboard by the side of the road to let people know that there is roadwork ahead? Can SUCK IT. The electronic billboard says something useful, I’m sure, but its letters are too big for the board, or else flash by too quickly, so you only get to see two words at a time. And the billboards are almost never in a place, like at a stop light, where I might get a chance to read them. Here are a few pieces of useless information I have picked up from various roadside electronic billboards:

“Road work From”
“Expect Delays”

If you want, I will help you make posters with Sharpies that have ALL THE INFORMATION on them. Something like “Road work Now Till Eternity on Canada Way between Edmonds and Imperial.”

Perhaps it is too late and you have succumbed to the cold that has been threatening you. In this case, wrap yourself in wool and thank heaven it is series premiere week on television.

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