I’ve been thinking about boobs a lot lately. Every time I look at the World, I see more news about boobs.

Big boobs. Little boobs. Concealed boobs. Displayed boobs. Breastfeeding boobs and breastcancered boobs. Boob jobs. There was a guy in the news who paid for his daughters to have boob jobs. Half the people were mad at him. The other half thought his daughters looked SuperHawt! There are right boobs and … no! Not left, but … wrong boobs.

The right boobs wear the correct size bra. They are restrained appropriately and displayed like a plate of cake for only those people who are meant to see them. The right boobs only draw attention to themselves if they are allowed to do so: from strangers if the boob’s owner is looking for love, or from the boob owner’s partner, if the boob owner has found love. Your babies can see them. Other people’s babies can’t see them. Children who are no longer babies CAN NOT see them or they might get hungry!

The wrong boobs are the kind that are in your face when you don’t want them to be. Mostly this means Ugly Boobs. Or, boobs that are being used for the owner’s own purposes – as a tray for food, as a handy place to warm chocolate chips – without regard for everyone else in the world’s enjoyment.

Quick test: are you using your boobs for someone else’s enjoyment? (where “someone else” does not include “a baby” and where “a baby” is younger than 2 years old [or some similarly arbitrary line])

If yes, you are using them correctly.
If no, you are using them incorrectly. Cease. And. Desist.

Young boobs good.
Old boobs bad.

Fat bodies and boobs bad.
Skinny bodies and boobs good.

I’m not sure who decides which boobs are right and which are wrong. I think it might be Everyone. There are a lot of strange rules. Why are nipples supposed to be covered? Why aren’t boobs supposed to sag? How come we’re all wearing the wrong bra size but no one tells the bra people to make bras to a fucking standard? Why don’t doubleAs come in colours other than white? Is it because we assume smaller breasted women are virgins?

Boobs boobs boobs. Everybody has some but men’s are much smaller. Some people have theirs made bigger and some have theirs made smaller. Some people have theirs removed entirely, because they are sick or because they don’t want to get sick or because they don’t want any boobs on them.

Lately, some singing lady is shooting whipped cream out of her boobs to make fun of something. I’m not sure what she’s making fun of. My boobs would totally shoot whipped cream if I jumped up and down long enough. Anyway, people are mad about that because it makes the children hungry and now they have to buy more food for their children. You know why there’s an obesity epidemic (note: there might not be an actual obesity epidemic) ? Because there are BOOBS EVERYWHERE. We’re all SO HUNGRY.

Sometimes, they bounce when you run.

When I lift my arms over my head, mine disappear.


Now go! Give your boobs – or the place where they used to be – a hug! They deserve it!

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