Ms. Judgy Rides Again

I am generally lax and non-judgmental about other peoples’ parenting choices.* I don’t care if you circumcise bottle feed go to McDonald’s cry it out co-sleep till age 5 breastfeed till age 6 or are secretly drinking your kid’s college fund. Whatever works for you. I do whatever works for me. You do whatever works for you. But. When what you are doing clearly works for you but bumps up against what works for me, I don’t like that.

* excepting when you’re loud in the library and / or tell your kid what he can or cannot read.

When your kid is an asshole and you do nothing about it, I don’t like that.

I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Arguably more than is strictly necessary but really, when you’re out in the world interacting with strangers I firmly believe you have NO IDEA about anybody’s life but your own. I may see: expensive jeans, high heeled shoes, huge fake eyelashes and a purse that has never seen a goldfish cracker swim around its bottom. But I will not: decide that those things are the reason you look a bit bored at the park. I will entertain reasons in my head about why you look bored at the park. Perhaps you are tired. Or hungover. Or not related to the child by blood. Or related to the child by blood but this is the 10th day in a row at this park for god’s sake. Or you don’t like parks. Who cares! It’s none of my business and while I may entertain these thoughts I will not judge you based on my own speculation. It is speculation only. I will still make small talk with you and if the opportunity presents, learn more about you and share things about me and then we’ll be BFF OMG! Or not.

However.

If your kid is running around a public play area, showing no regard for anyone but herself, in fact, physically confronting other children – some of whom are smaller than her – and the best you can do is stand there with your hands in your pockets (this is not the same person as in the above paragraph, by the way), occasionally shouting, “Don’t do that! Don’t fight! Hey! Don’t do that!” I will get angry. First I will get angry with her because she is being mean to other kids, including mine. Then I will get angry with you because you are her guardian. Maybe her dad, maybe not. Maybe a nanny or an uncle or a much older brother who hates his life, I don’t know but since you are the one yelling at her and then doing absolutely nothing else about it while she runs roughshod over an entire room, YOU are the one I’m pissed at and you are the one I am judging.

And here’s where I stop. Because now what do I do? It goes against my fibre to confront strangers 1. because unsolicited advice! 2. I fear confrontation but the alternative is to a) leave or b) fume about it.

Or of course, I can – and do – do both. Leave AND fume about it.

I know nobody is perfect. I know kids are jerks. My kids are jerks too. That is why I watch them in public – no, not HELICOPTER, just watch, from a safe distance – and if they are jerks to someone I either make them apologize or apologize for them, as appropriate. It might be stupid and it might mean nothing and people often say, oh hey, don’t worry about it, he’s 2 (or 3) but I believe that it’s an important part of being a decent human being to know who and how you have wronged and then to try to make it right, no matter how small. If you skip the small stuff, if you let your kid push other kids out of a public play area or let her push another kid down the slide or let her think she is the boss of you and everyone, then she is going to grow up to be a big jerk and…

…it will be your fault.

I don’t often say that. I don’t believe that parents should be blamed for what their kids do or how their kids are. Every kid is different. Some are easier than others. I don’t know the whole story. But parents should be held accountable for how they handle their kids’ behavior if that behavior affects other people.

I’m not in that guy’s shoes. Before I judged him, I gave him three chances to take his kid aside, talk to her, discipline her. Maybe yelling across a room works for her. No? Maybe staying back and saying nothing will help her figure it out herself? Er, no?

I know I will encounter this kind of thing a lot more as years go on; in equal part because I have my own confrontation issues to deal with and because some people are jerks. I’ve been pretty sheltered in our local parks and play areas where people tend to know and respect each other. So what are we supposed to do? Keep our distance, let jerks be jerks? Can jerks change? If someone doesn’t see that their behavior is wrong, will they respond to a stranger telling them? Or maybe it takes one person to say something, to start the wheels turning?

It’s like litter. People who litter just fucking suck. They are ruining the world for the rest of us. It really bothers me. I can pick up garbage from the street and put it in the garbage can and tell my kids to do the same but I can’t stop the litterers from driving through my neighbourhood and tossing their trash out the windows of their cars.

I hate feeling powerless. Like no matter what I do, how hard I work to raise my kids to respect other people, they will still have to live in a world where people don’t respect them. Where people throw their trash out windows.

Am I crazy? Am I the most judgmental non-judgmental person you’ve ever met? Do you tell strangers to mind their children? If so, how? (And have you ever been punched in the nose because of it? And was it worth it?)