Top 40 Music is Dead Like My Heart

I woke up miserable and just got miserabler. Turned on the radio and it’s all Olympic Preparations and International Olympic Committee Scolds YogaPant Company for being Smarter than Them and Police Clear Other Police of Wrongdoing and Our Government is a bunch of *shaking fist* ASSHATS who don’t show up to meetings if they don’t feel like it.

Switched over to internet radio. Picked randomly from a list: 977 The Hitz. It started OK. Happy top 40 jump-around stuff. There was some Justin Timberlake. Then I heard Fergie. Then Rhianna. Then Black Eyed Peas. Then Eminem. (thank GOD) Then more Black Eyed Peas. Then I heard Sexy Bitch.

I actually heard Sexy Bitch on the radio the other day at the SPCA Thrift Store on 12th Street. I love this store a lot. It is the only place I found decent maternity thrift back in 2006 and since then they have moved to a slightly bigger location so they have more room for all their wondrous stuffs. They have clothes, amazing amounts of furniture, a lot of books and great selection of old photographs.

Anyway, the radio was on in the store and I suddenly became aware of the following lyrics, set to a dance beat:

“She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before,
Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore,
I’m tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful”

Then there’s some “Ooh you a sexy bitch / damn you some sexy bitch” business that goes on. And on. And.

So I got on with my shopping and blocked it out. And the next song too, which had a lot of “Shorty this” and “Shorty that” and “Shorty pick up my drycleaning / in a big plastic bag” in it.

Today when I heard the song I zipped over to check the playlist and was informed that its title is “Sexy Bitch” (or “Sexy Girl,” if you’re the radio edit) by David Guetta, a famous French DJ who looks kind of like one of the Wilson brothers. Sung by Akon. You know Akon. You don’t know Akon? Put it this way, every time you hear a song on the radio that makes you want to rip off someone’s elbow * and shove it in your ears, it’s Akon. He sounds like he’s singing through a kazoo. He likes to hit the floor a lot and look for chicks (though rarely Shortys) who don’t look like hoes so that he can declare undying love / lust for them and get all up in their business.

* if you saw in a previous version of this post that this sentence read differently, you’re right. I switched “elbow” in for “penis” because I suddenly realized that I’m not so into gential mutilation after all. Sorry about that.

See also, previous hit “Smack That”:

“Smack that, all on the floor
Smack that, give me some more
Smack that, ’til you get sore
Smack that, oh ooh”

Psst, Akon. Yeah, over here. Lean in a bit closer.

Oh, did I smack that a bit too hard? So sorry. I was trying to do it without being, you know, DISRESPECTFUL.

**

Aw, guys. I’m so grumpy. Got my teeth filled yesterday at the dentist and now I have a sharp bit at the back and it keeps cutting into my tongue. It’s all sensitive to heat and cold too. Worst: I can’t eat chips. Not with a sore tooth. I need chips, guys, I need chips like Akon needs sex. I ate pudding but it was not the same.

And Fresco’s nap just ended. An hour earlier than usual. Peh. This day is canceled. See you tomorrow.