I Am Not Pregnant. You Are All Relieved.

It was this past Wednesday morning and I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. First thing I did was remember the last Wednesday morning in August when I had felt sick, that day that brought to my attention the existence of my second child.

This past Wednesday in August, though, I knew I was not pregnant. Having just packed away the diva cup for another month on Tuesday, I knew. Not pregnant.

Of course I took a home pregnancy test anyway. I had one left over from the two-pack purchased the last Wednesday morning in August when I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Negative.

So, just nauseous, I went on with my day. Drank some peppermint tea. Ate some crackers. Child-wrangled. Entertained entertaining friends. Wondered if I had food poisoning or gastroenteritis and if so, when the inevitable Explosion(s) would happen.

Didn’t sleep much Wednesday night because my stomach hurt.

Also because I was thinking all night about my hurting stomach and why it was hurting and who was going to love the children when I woke up dead the next morning.

Thursday: much the same. No evidence of food poisoning / stomach bug presented. Just nausea. Urgh, blurgh, blegh, more crackers, ick.

Friday: much the same.

Saturday: I stumped the doctor at the walk in clinic. First, he couldn’t get a pulse. See, it’s POSSIBLE to wake up dead in the morning! Then he couldn’t get any blood pressure. In either arm!

I was sitting there imagining a giant tumour in my stomach and it’s squishing my arteries (or veins?) and I have moments to live and I am going to explode, SPLASH, all over the walk-in clinic. Geez. What a way to go.

Eventually he got a satisfactory pulse. Then he asked me all the questions I had been asking myself since Wednesday.

Eat anything bad? Like Wendy’s? (no)
Anything go off in your fridge? (no)(well yes, but I didn’t eat it)
Anyone in the house have any symptoms? (no)
Vomiting? (no)
Diarrhea? (no)
Heartburn? (no)
Stress? (no)(more)(than)(usual)
And you’re SURE you’re not – (I’m SURE.)


Of course, by then I was feeling a bit better. I suspect this is because on Friday afternoon I decided I had an ulcer so started treating myself accordingly. I forwent my evening drink of alcohol and my morning coffee and had been nibbling on crackers and dry toast all morning. You know, like you do when you’re pregnant. My mistake the other three days had been to wake up feeling better and then eat a normal breakfast and then feel like shit all day.

He wrote me a prescription for a high powered antacid. And ordered an abdominal ultrasound, to have a look around in there – with another long sideways glance…hey man, if I was pregnant I would NOT be hanging out in a walk-in clinic all Saturday morning. I would already be as far East as you can drive in three days, trying to get away from that fetus, you bet.

Last night I celebrated feeling better by eating one (1) hot dog and drinking one (1) glass of stout. About halfway through Tropic Thunder I developed a bad headache so I took one (1) Tylenol and went to bed. Tylenol never works for me but people with ulcers aren’t supposed to take ibuprofen. Guess what: woke up with the headache still there, actually worse because it had spent the whole night kicking Tylenol’s ass, and the nausea back because I hadn’t eaten enough all day and also the headache made me feel more nauseous and holy hell I felt hungover. It felt exactly like a hangover. Like, a 2 bottle of wine night hangover. WTF glass of stout & hotdog & Tylenol?

So I stopped treating for ulcer and started treating for hangover. 30 minute shower. Bottle of sport drink I found in the fridge. Finally, ibuprofen and half a box of crackers plus another hour of sleep (TGISunday or we’d have watched a lot of tv today) and I am up and around again.

Saint Aardvark bought me a bag of plain chips.

I do not want to have to eat plain chips!

However, if it means I won’t wake up dead in the morning, I will.

So far we have the following guesses on the table: gall bladder. Ulcer. Any thoughts, great abdomen’d internet populace?

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13 Responses to I Am Not Pregnant. You Are All Relieved.

  1. Mrs. Wilson says:

    Oh sheesh. That sucks. I have no advice though, sorry!!

  2. Nicole says:

    I do not know about the abdominal thing. Can we just say its an alien? Not like in “Alien” mind you – that would be messy.

    What I do know is that you are not supposed to mix alcohol and tylenol because it is Very Bad for your liver.

    And I will refrain from a horror story on that. 🙂

  3. Arwen says:

    Are you dizzy at all? Also, is he testing for hormone fluctuations unrelated to pregnancy?

    Also, are you nauseous like you want to puke, or nauseous like your insides are on fire, or nauseous like your stomach is crampy?

    Oh, oh! I saw it on House. Have you eaten any sandbox sand?
    No? Huh.

    My best guess (if not gall, inner ear issues you’re mainly experiencing in nausea, hormones, or ulcer), well, my best guess is Motherhood Virus. I don’t know WTF is wrong with me, these days, but it is as if I am often unable to get properly sick. If I have the flu, for example, it’s a lingering headache/stomachache, and maybe a week later a low level fever shows up, and then the coughing arrives three or four days after that. Oh, I can function the whole time, I just don’t like it.

    Anyway, I have had the week and a half long nausea happen and have also thought something was horribly awry and then the nice doctor told me that I was just getting sick in slow motion because I was run down. And later I heard similar from another doc during slow motion cold season, and so he suggested I should take this homeopathic jibber-jabber in order (as I understand it) to make my body actually bother to get truly madly sick, and thereby get well.

    M’friend Jeevee suggests she hasn’t gotten REALLY SICK, just lingering but work through it illness, since she had her eldest a decade ago, so I don’t think it’s just me.

  4. Joanna says:

    Hmmm … could be gall bladder or maybe a food allergy? I, of course, used the Internet for research on this, but don’t trust me and make sure you follow this up with your doctor. I read one person’s recommendation to take a multivitamin and restrict your diet to a gluten-free diet. Supposedly they felt better within three days. Hopefully it’s just something stress-related that passes quickly. Wishing you good health and no worries! xxoo

  5. Beth says:

    My guess is some kind of food intolerance too. Since you didn’t mention drinking lots of milk or eating ice cream, it’s probably not lactose intolerence which would be my personal diagnosis. However, I agree with Joanna- gluten is the reason for many a sore belly.
    For my husband, gall bladder presents as heavy duty pain rather than nausea. Like bend over and fall on the ground pain.
    Dr. Beth has now left the building.

  6. Erin says:

    Like Beth said, gall bladder doesn’t usually present symptoms of nausea – just pain in the upper right abdomen, like someone is jabbing their hand under your ribcage and up into your lungs (thank god THAT’S over). Although, towards the end of my gall bladders life I did experience some nausea, due to skewed eating habits. But that’s likely not the case for you.

    I’d say cut out the beer and the chips for a week or so, and then see how you do. *ducks* No, really! If it is something like a peptic ulcer, it’ll take at least that long to heal up. Water, fruits and veg, brown rice, that sort of thing. My brother is suffering from something similar, and has been slowly cutting his fat intake down to nil – seems to be working.

    Hope you feel better soon! =)

  7. cheesefairy says:

    Arwen -aye, I do get the lingering illnesses usually. 8 day long lead up to a cold that lasts 3 weeks. Working cold, I call them.

    your doctor recommended a homeopathic jibber jabber? do tell!

    thanks, all. will cut out fats, gluten, acid, booze & coffee from diet. on the bright side I will soon be looking much less mature.

  8. sarah says:

    My vote is with Arwen. Crazy-ass mother sick. Sorry you feel icky.

  9. Arwen says:

    He recommended Kali Sulph and Silica for me, a “tissue salt”, but that was because I was making eye, lung, and nose goo. So it was not nausea. But he explained the idea so I just looked it up for you, and nausea would be Nat Phos (and Silica, sure).

    That said, I don’t think it helped much at the time. You might need to go find yer own jibber-jabberer.

  10. Shelley says:

    Hmm. It might be a bug, sweetie – I was thinking that I might be preggers about a month ago – same symptoms – then I figured “just stress” because of the move ‘n all… but you appear to be going through similar (if not the “same”) thing. I’m feeling MUCH better now – but it took about 3 weeks.

  11. iamthediva says:

    Gallbladder = pain worse than childbirth… seriously… while there was some vomiting with my gallstones, most of that was self induced to relieve the awful pressure in my stomach area.

    HOWEVER, if you think this might be something… eliminate fatty foods POST HASTE… i lived on carrots and plain roasted chicken breasts for almost six months… Fatty foods are a big factor in gallstones.

    good luck

  12. miranda says:

    really any post with “pregnancy” in the title sends a shiver up my spine! regardless of what near-death illness you have (and i really do hope you feel better, quickly!) i am glad to hear you don’t have the certain-to-kill third child coming along.

    if you have roaring headaches and can’t take advil, try the migraine tylenol. i know, it sounds fake and silly, but it works wonders for me.

  13. t says:

    i can’t contribute anything meaningful other than to say that if you have to give up booze and eat nothing but plain chicken breasts and carrots, you might as well just end it now, cause really, what would the point be anyway??

    are you feeling any better now?