I Am Not Pregnant. You Are All Relieved.

It was this past Wednesday morning and I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. First thing I did was remember the last Wednesday morning in August when I had felt sick, that day that brought to my attention the existence of my second child.

This past Wednesday in August, though, I knew I was not pregnant. Having just packed away the diva cup for another month on Tuesday, I knew. Not pregnant.

Of course I took a home pregnancy test anyway. I had one left over from the two-pack purchased the last Wednesday morning in August when I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Negative.

So, just nauseous, I went on with my day. Drank some peppermint tea. Ate some crackers. Child-wrangled. Entertained entertaining friends. Wondered if I had food poisoning or gastroenteritis and if so, when the inevitable Explosion(s) would happen.

Didn’t sleep much Wednesday night because my stomach hurt.

Also because I was thinking all night about my hurting stomach and why it was hurting and who was going to love the children when I woke up dead the next morning.

Thursday: much the same. No evidence of food poisoning / stomach bug presented. Just nausea. Urgh, blurgh, blegh, more crackers, ick.

Friday: much the same.

Saturday: I stumped the doctor at the walk in clinic. First, he couldn’t get a pulse. See, it’s POSSIBLE to wake up dead in the morning! Then he couldn’t get any blood pressure. In either arm!

I was sitting there imagining a giant tumour in my stomach and it’s squishing my arteries (or veins?) and I have moments to live and I am going to explode, SPLASH, all over the walk-in clinic. Geez. What a way to go.

Eventually he got a satisfactory pulse. Then he asked me all the questions I had been asking myself since Wednesday.

Eat anything bad? Like Wendy’s? (no)
Anything go off in your fridge? (no)(well yes, but I didn’t eat it)
Anyone in the house have any symptoms? (no)
Vomiting? (no)
Diarrhea? (no)
Heartburn? (no)
Stress? (no)(more)(than)(usual)
And you’re SURE you’re not – (I’m SURE.)


Of course, by then I was feeling a bit better. I suspect this is because on Friday afternoon I decided I had an ulcer so started treating myself accordingly. I forwent my evening drink of alcohol and my morning coffee and had been nibbling on crackers and dry toast all morning. You know, like you do when you’re pregnant. My mistake the other three days had been to wake up feeling better and then eat a normal breakfast and then feel like shit all day.

He wrote me a prescription for a high powered antacid. And ordered an abdominal ultrasound, to have a look around in there – with another long sideways glance…hey man, if I was pregnant I would NOT be hanging out in a walk-in clinic all Saturday morning. I would already be as far East as you can drive in three days, trying to get away from that fetus, you bet.

Last night I celebrated feeling better by eating one (1) hot dog and drinking one (1) glass of stout. About halfway through Tropic Thunder I developed a bad headache so I took one (1) Tylenol and went to bed. Tylenol never works for me but people with ulcers aren’t supposed to take ibuprofen. Guess what: woke up with the headache still there, actually worse because it had spent the whole night kicking Tylenol’s ass, and the nausea back because I hadn’t eaten enough all day and also the headache made me feel more nauseous and holy hell I felt hungover. It felt exactly like a hangover. Like, a 2 bottle of wine night hangover. WTF glass of stout & hotdog & Tylenol?

So I stopped treating for ulcer and started treating for hangover. 30 minute shower. Bottle of sport drink I found in the fridge. Finally, ibuprofen and half a box of crackers plus another hour of sleep (TGISunday or we’d have watched a lot of tv today) and I am up and around again.

Saint Aardvark bought me a bag of plain chips.

I do not want to have to eat plain chips!

However, if it means I won’t wake up dead in the morning, I will.

So far we have the following guesses on the table: gall bladder. Ulcer. Any thoughts, great abdomen’d internet populace?

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