You Crazy Kids and Your Doo-dads

I don’t go to baby stores very often. But today the opportunity was offered to me so I went to BabiesRus land to purchase a new gate for Trombone’s bedroom doorway because the old one is kaput.

Oh, BabiesRus on a Monday afternoon. Soothing, spa-like music playing. Neatly stacked piles of clean, organic baby hats. “Sales Leaders” anxious to help you select just the right snookum-basket for your snookums. They look at your belly when you walk in the door. I am proud to say no one asked to help me the whole time which means I don’t look one bit pregnant.

And of course, the other shoppers. Women in various stages of bloom, often with partners or best friends in tow, notebooks in hand, looking at everything Very Closely. A low current of anxiety runs through the air. Is this the right car seat? Is this the right stroller? Is this magic 3-pack of receiving blankets going to make everything OK? SOMEONE TELL ME! WHERE DOES THE POOP GO IN A DIAPER GENIE?

I got the gate I wanted and was walking back to the till when I saw it. I swear to god I thought it was a dentist’s chair. Why would you want a dentist’s chair for your infant? In your house? But no. It is The Sweetpeace Newborn Soothing Center. Mein Gott. I mean, a lot of baby gear looks like “a contraption” but this thing, it looks like a contraption like in that movie, um, um, Honey I Shrank the Kids, where the dude invents a device that makes his toast and wipes his ass and washes its little robot hands in between.

Lookatit!

How much, Wally? For this peace and comfort and quiet in your home, for a glorified baby swing? TWO HUNDRED SIXTY NINE DOLLARS, Wally. $270 for a baby swing that swings sideways too: whoopee! $270 for a baby swing that you can plug your MP3 player into, that has the following hilarious features:

– 4 unique seating positions that imitate how you hold your baby

Or, you know, DON’T hold your baby because you never need to – because of the Soothing Center!

– 4 cradling motions create 4 distinct sensations

Bad word choice. “Distinct sensations” makes me think my pants just got wet.

– 3 recline positions offer comfortable choices for a growing baby

Never offer a baby a choice!

– 6 speeds allow you to choose the right amount of movement for your baby’s mood

What baby has SIX moods? Unpossible.

– 5 point harness provides gentle ventral pressure that reassures your baby like a hug

Yeah. The hug of You’re Not Going Anywhere! Straightjacket Hugs: A Memoir.

Anyway. I stood there for a while and stared at it and laughed and I hoped the wide-eyed couple putting things on their registry saw me and wondered why I was laughing and did some research and realized how ridiculous it is to spend that much money on someone you’ve never met, on a piece of furniture that will necessitate your moving the couch into the basement to make room, or at the very least, on something that is beige.

And then I came home, to my baby who now falls asleep without any rocking or jiggling or anything, but only if he has his fingers in my mouth. Proving that babies are weird and unpredictable and you should never spend too much money on one. It’s like playing the slots.

On the other hand, now I am wondering if the Soothing Center has an “orifice” attachment. Like, a little pretend mouth that I could – oh, nevermind.