Mmmm. Milk.

There is a Sharon, Lois and Bram song called “Did you Feed my Cow.” Maybe it’s actually a traditional song, I don’t know, but we have a CD with them singing it. There’s a lot of bass guitar in their version and the song starts with Bram sounding a lot like Smoove B as he croons, “Mmmmmm. Millllllk.” I want you to say the title of this post just like that. Thanks.

We were out of milk this morning. Nearly. We had enough for coffee for me and for Trombone to drink but more milk was in order. And salt! Last night I discovered we were out of salt! This is so impossible, you cannot imagine. We use a lot of salt and for neither SA nor me to notice that there was only a teaspoon left means that our mental faculties are deteriorating more rapidly than initially feared.

I loaded up the double buggy with the children and stuffed our usual assortment of crap in the underbelly (which is not so huge as on other strollers I’ve owned): towel to wipe off wet playground equipment, blankets for baby, carrier for baby, abbreviated diaper bag containing one diaper for each child, wipes and change pad, container with peanut butter sandwich, water bottle, sippy cup. We went to our Very Near Safeway, the one in the Mall That Time Recently Remembered. This Safeway has been being renovated for over a year and its grand re-opening is tonight from 4 – midnight. They are even landscaping the parking lot so guess what it smelled like! Yay!

I decided to buy a 2L carton of milk instead of our usual 4L jug because I didn’t think the buggy’s underbelly could handle 4 litres. The rear tires need inflating, you see, and the local gas station’s air whatsit doesn’t fit the valve. So I am trying not to overload it overmuch.

Obviously, with 50 lbs of child and 10 extra lbs of stuff, no, it’s not overloaded.

And a big box of salt. I also bought.

I stood for a few minutes and debated coffee from the new in-store Starbucks (which ups the total Starbucks in the Mall That Time Recently Remembered to TWO so now the corner of McBride BLVD and 8th AVE is totally as cool as downtown Vancouver) but eventually decided against it. Then I got out to the street again and decided I wanted it after all so I went across the highway to the McDonald’s and got a breakfast meal. I am an excellent example to my children I guess because Trombone spat out his bite of McMuffin and eschewed the hashbrown. Score! More crap for me!

Onward to Queen’s Park where everything was wet and my son, who has suddenly discovered textures and doesn’t like them one bit, decided he did not want to play on anything wet, even after a cursory wipe with the towel. I even went down the slide to show him how fun & so much faster it was to go down a wet slide and all I got was a soggy ass for my troubles. Still we managed to spend 2 hours there, most of it discussing whether or not the water would come on in the water park and whether the ice cream stand would be open soon. I think Trombone now has a fairly good grasp on the seasons.

aside: Do all toddlers ask questions they know the answers to? I knew that little kids could be annoying with the whole “What is that? Why? Why? Why?” but I wasn’t expecting, “Is that a banana?” when I peel a banana and “Is it raining?” when the rain is pissing down on us and “Am I eating breakfast?” at the breakfast table. Is it just them getting a firmer grasp on reality and constants and making sure that everything is the same as it was the last time, is he possibly going to law school at night while I think he is sleeping or is my kid just totally insane? Kthxbye.

It was time to go home for lunch and despite several warnings to this effect, Trombone still wept great salty tears at the news. As I buckled him back into the buggy he said, “Please, I want some milk.” He said please unprompted; what could I do? I poured him some from the brand new carton and then put the carton back in the canvas shopping bag and stashed it down in the underbelly of the buggy.

On its side. The carton of milk that I had just opened. I put it down, on top of other items, ON ITS SIDE.

10 minutes later we were at home and I removed both children from the buggy and put them inside and went back out to empty the underbelly and oh ho! What did I find, space cadets? An empty milk carton and a lake of milk 4 inches deep, drowning all in its path; the baby carrier, the diaper bag, thankfully not the salt because oh god a kilo of milky salt? Shoot me now.

Followed by: half an hour of me turning the buggy upside down, tossing buckets of water into it, turning it upside down, trying to figure out how to remove the confounded underbelly for easier cleaning and finding two snaps that unsnapped but realizing that the rest of it was held on with screws and where is the screwdriver oh probably on the third floor all while Trombone stood at the screen door asking, “What are you doing Mummy? Where is the milk? Is there milk in the buggy? Is there milk on the ground? Is there milk in my sandbox?” (Objection! Badgering the witness!) and Fresco sat in his chair further in the house saying, “Blahblahblahblahblahdadadadada,” because that’s what he does.

And I had to pee, too.

An hour later, all squared away, I checked my email to find one from my father in law, all about PETA’s latest effort to turn the world vegetarian: ice cream made out of human breast milk. And all I could think was: well, if everyone in the house just drank my breast milk, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

On the bright side, now we get to make another trip to Safeway this afternoon, which means we’ll be there for the Preview Party after all! Balloons! Cake! Mariachi bands! I hope!

Edited to add: I just noticed the contest on the side of my depleted milk carton: Win your life back! Prizes include: maid service, grocery delivery, a weekend getaway – and you need a UPC code to enter so the more milk I buy, the more times I can enter. Now I feel like a Super Winner! instead of an Idiot.

(Except I didn’t win. Maybe next time.)