It’s About Breasts

I am a fool. You bet. I thought I could just waltz into a department store, boobs in hand (so to speak) and pick up a nice new nursing bra.

Why? Why would you go to a department store? You should go to a bra store. You should get yourself measured professionally, everyone is wearing the wrong bra size you know, and then you could get a good bra, a proper bra, a perfect bra.

Because I am stubborn. Even though, over many years of bra shopping, I have found a bra I love at a department store exactly once (1ce) and then went back to get another one to find they had discontinued it (not the store, the manufacturer) I still insist that the department store by its very definition should have a vast selection of things and amidst those things, the thing I want, whatever that thing might be on any given day.

Besides, I only had an hour and the mall was close and I thought: but surely in the two years since I looked at nursing bras at the department store, someone would have invented one that didn’t SUCK ASS. Surely, considering the baby boom apparent around me and all the nurse-ins and all the Breastfeeding Power To The People there would be a good, comfortable, un-ugly nursing bra for sale and I would walk in and buy it. Three of it. One in each non-ugly, non-sucky colour.

Also, there are no fancy pants nursing / maternity / motherlove-type stores in the Mizzle. I’da hadta drive to Kits for that.

Don’t you already have 17 nursing bras that you love? From that Breakout Bras online place that you always link to?

Actually, I have two good ones and three old, nighttime-only ones. But if I order more online they will take weeks to get here. And I wanted a bra with underwire.

But underwire will stab your baby in the face!

No it won’t.

Do they have bras with underwire at the online place?

They do, actually, but I wanted one yesterday. OK? I wanted a new bra and I wanted it SAME DAY.

Fine but don’t bitch about the selection at the department store if you don’t have the patience to wait a couple of weeks for a bra you know you will like.

Oh you’re so smart, eh, Ms. Rational Mind? Why don’t you go read some economics textbooks or something.

As I’m sure you’ve guessed, at the department store I was greeted by the same selection of nursing bras as last time (and the time before that. And the time before that. Yes, I mentioned I was stubborn?) Warner. Baby and Me. One soft cup kind that runs a bit small and one that fits properly that is lacy (ew!) and has a seam across the nipple.

What’s wrong with a seam across the nipple?

1. It makes a line under your clothes
2. It rubs against your nipple
3. Dudes: This is not as hot as you think
4. It’s just stupid. Why does there need to be a seam there? No reason.

So I ended up at London Drugs, which sells the bra I already have three of, for only a bit more money than it would be online and I got to take it home immediately. The downside? Still no underwire and there was only one colour available at the store. I got it home and SA said, “That bra is grandma beige, isn’t it?” And I said yes. And he made a face like if someone put a slug in your coffee.

I am creating an Imaginary Universal Regulatory Bra Body (IURBB) to be responsible for the design, manufacture and distribution of all bras from now on. Someone needs to be in control. I think it should be Goddessa. Here are the rules so far:

• The band size should correspond to a real measurement. That means if I measure 34 inches around and I pick up a bra that says “34!” it will fit. No questions asked. Whether I am in Vancouver or Beijing. 34 = 34. 38 = 38.
• Universal cup size. Someone (the IURBB) needs to pick a formula for measurement, make all the bras in the universe according to that formula and then widely publicize it. I have seen as many methods for measuring yourself “properly” as there are sands in the hourglass and none of them means DICK SQUAT when you go shopping because the people who make the bras don’t follow any formula except their own. My mom bought a bra a few weeks ago that had its own measurement grid on the back of the box. Neither of us could figure it out and neither of us is an idiot. And I don’t care about style differences. The genius bra designers employed by the IURBB will be smart enough to do the math to make sure that a 34D push up fits the same as a 34D jogging bra fits the same as a 34D nursing bra.
• No more icky colours. Why is “grandma beige” (sorry all you grandmas) even an optional colour for undergarments? I think it’s supposed to be fleshtone, I guess in case anyone gets a glimpse of your naughties, but that tone is not like any flesh I’ve ever seen and is not going to fool anyone. The latest bra I bought euphemized the colour as “butterscotch.” Har dee har.
• Specific to nursing bras: stop telling me your bra features an “easy, one-hand clasp” when it’s the kind of clasp you have to invert your wrist and swear under your breath to undo / do up. You know what’s easy? Snaps. Coincidentally, the nursing mother is already very proficient with snaps, because she is undoing and doing up infant clothing 40 times a day, so just use snaps. My favourite bra uses snaps. They rock.
• For my small breasted sisters: make the small bras in pretty colours too. Even black would be nice. There is far too much “you’re small breasted so you don’t care what your bra looks like anyway” going on.
• Ditto my large breasted sisters
• Actually, you know what: every bra should be available in every colour and every size. From the smallest to the biggest, from the widest to the narrowest. Across this vast universe of ours, Consistently Sized, Attractive, Supportive Undergarments!

Onward, to the business centre! Goddessa needs letterhead!