This is Why I’m Hot?

I was blessed with a surprise today. My mother and father took Trombone to their house to frolic in the garden and I went down to only 1 blade for the rest of the day and night.

I read something at ask moxie when I was 30something weeks pregnant with Fresco. It had to do with goats and I’m paraphrasing here; a parable about someone who went to a wise man with a complaint about a too-small house. The wise man recommended the complainer get 100 goats and put them in his house for 2 weeks and then to get rid of the goats. Sure enough, when the 100 goats were gone, the complainer felt as though he had a much bigger house.

That’s what it feels like going from 2 kids to 1 kid. It’s incredible. I recommend it.

Anyway, I have noticed something since I have had 2 kids: when I am out and about with just one kid, I get way more ogling than when I have both kids. I mean both a) pleasant attention from strangers and b) the less desirable “yo baby” ogling. I get double takes. Smiles. Doors opened for me. Honks. Today, someone honked at me.

Sure, I would guess that because of my general slovenliness, slumped shoulders, constant ponytail and terrible odour I am less attractive than I was when I only HAD one child but now that I have two, I don’t see how leaving one at home increases my general attractiveness.

Theories include:

1. Infants are cuter than toddlers.

Usually I have only Fresco. Fresco is 3.5 months old and fairly cute. People smile and awwww at the cute. When I’m out with Fresco and Trombone, people are distracted by the toddler so they don’t smile at the cute or the cute’s mama. Even though I think Trombone is pretty cute too.

2. Method of transportation.

When I do have Fresco he’s in the carrier (how much do I love the ergo carrier, by the way? Holy shit do I ever.) and his feet poke out the sides and OH HOW CUTE are baby feet

counterpoint: but this afternoon I had him in the buggy for a [very hot] walk uptown and he wasn’t even showing. I coulda had a cat in there. To people looking on, it was basically me + buggy. And I smell like milk and drool and sweat. Not that anyone can smell me, but. What are you honking at, weird Mizzle people?

3. I AM more attractive when I only have one child because I am less tense and it took less than 2 hours and 17 animal cookies to get out of the house.

It’s possible this is our winner.

4. One child is sexy. Two children is trouble.

One child: Monkey brain (by which I mean evolution brain, not idiot animal brain) says: She had sex! She might have sex again! With me, even! HONK!
Two children: Monkey brain says: She might need me to support her! With all those children! Look away!

Anyone got theories? Any of you with 2 kids notice this? Anyone think women physically porting around one child are hotter than women porting around two? Anyone think I should get over myself and give my children my full attention?

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