Scattered Roundup of Wrong Things

First o’ all: I turned on the TV recently. Wrong. It’s July. There’s nothing on. Except the shows that are on after my bedtime, like Swingtown, of which I enjoyed the first episode so record on, you crazy PVR. Instead of anything even trashily interesting, I was subjected to the following items for sale which commercials have probably been in rotation for at least 3 months but I have not seen them:

Chocolate “drizzle”

WTF Tim Hortons? OK, in general, WTF Tim Hortons. But in this case, WTF – your Iced Capp Supreme features chocolate DRIZZLE? It’s not sauce. It’s not topping. It’s not syrup. It’s drizzle. And you want me to eat it.

No. I will not eat it, Tim Hortons. Drizzle is not food. And it super-jet-engine isn’t dessert.

A sandwich at Subway made with lobster

Is it just me or is the thought of anything seafood related being sold under those fluorescent lights within the bright yellow enclave that is Subway, mashed together with random toppings by a lightly gloved, minimum-waged and rightly disgruntled sandwich “artist” (have, in my life, met just one actual artist, who wrote my name in mustard on my sandwich) just a brief hop before “food poisoning so bad you will write about it on your weblog but you will still be on the toilet while you do so”?

Tampons now give you 360 degree protection. (when 180 degrees just ISN’T ENOUGH)

The hypothesis is that Active Women need clingier tampons. Because if you are doing your favourite sport (presumably not horseback riding, which is still safe to do with a regular tampon, just like those little booklets from grade 6 told us, although not ever having horseback rid whilst menstruating I do have to say I think the additional crotch protection of a “bulky pad” would be appreciated rather than the rhythmic “joust! joust!” of a tampon every time you slap your butt down on that saddle but hey, like I said, not an equestrianne over here.) there is the slim (to none?) chance that your tampon will just … what? Drop out? Like I said to SA, only if you’ve had 7 kids will that happen and if you have 7 kids odds are you’re not exercising or that just getting up in the morning is exercise enough not to mention you probably haven’t had need for a tampon in at least 7 years. Perhaps in today’s world of Extreme Sport, there are sports where you might lose a tampon. But knowing what I know about the musculature involved in the vaginal canal, I really hope no Sport is that Extreme.

Dear feminine product people: It’s been a while, I know, since I wrote. But I still hate you and your scare mongering.
Love, cheesefairy

The celebrity show hostess in her 17 lbs of makeup and tight clothes on national TV pitying Miley Cyrus (who?) because she (Miley) is being forced by Hollywood to Grow Up Too Fast as evidenced by her (Miley’s) recent bare torsoed cover of Vanity Fair. Followed by panel discussion of same. Same old same old kids today nonsense.

How about you put your sweats on and throw your hair in a ponytail and come to work without makeup. If they still let you go on the air, then you can go ahead and lead the young girls of today by example by letting your journalistic skills speak for themselves without your Hotness muddying the waters.

Not on TV but at the park and oh were my nards chafed.

Woman with her daughter, roughly 2.5? years old walks past me and Trombone, who is digging in the sand pile. The sand pile features those sit-on-em little, manual bulldozers. For digging in the sand. The little girl heads over full tilt and her mom grabs her hand and says, “Oh, those are kind of boyish. Let’s go over to the swings.”

Good gravy. I can’t believe you just said that. Is this swing to the head GIRLISH enough for you?

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