The Cheeseblog

Dio for President!

“Well, I’m here to tell you, Ronnie James Dio is very goddamned angry. He’s angry about schools, he’s angry about veterans’ benefits, and he’s angry about the unchecked proliferation of evil women and dragons in America today.”

(link via scatterboy)

It’s Axl Rose’s birthday today! Go here for Axl Rose’s StarBio Natal Horoscope. Or for your own, if today is your birthday.

Understatement of Today comes from Axl’s horoscope:

“…you’re not the most practical person in the world. You may even be a bit spacey. In fact, sometimes you may wonder if you are of this world. Try using a to do list to your advantage. Train yourself to do important things with the force of habit. You may be disinterested in the mundane.”

The last time I saw Axl, he was wearing a Mickey Rooney Halloween mask from the party supply store. Attached to it was a nest of you’re-asking-for-your-head-to-be-set-on-fire braids made of multi-coloured, synthetic spaghetti. (perhaps leftovers from the “incident”?) It looked a lot like this:

“To do:
– Fire Michael Jackson’s stylist
– Crank-call Slash once a week
– Show up for concert tour.”

(that lovely photo which will now haunt you as it does me came from this site.)

Why did the snake dance never catch on? In clubs and whatnot. I never saw people snake-dancing.

I find it is the easiest dance to do. I do it waiting for the bus. Perhaps my long torso and flailing limbs make me a natural. Having long hair to swish around really helps.

This Halloween I think I will be Old School Axl Rose. My hair should be long enough by then.

Give the gift of sock puppet oil paintings! Link via boing boing.net which is, in itself, a way cool site.

Y’know how some folks say “props” as in “yo -props to you, G, you got the Magic Stick!”? I think we should say “nipples”. Nipples are way more rare than props. Hell, anyone can have a prop; the TV is full of them. That squeaky voiced woman on Will and Grace? Prop. How about Rick Mercer’s anti-American shtick? Prop. But nipples? Hardly anyone has them! They must be removed when you enter Fame and kept in a safe for the duration of your stay. You get them back when you leave.

(“Here you go, Ms. Love.”
“Those aren’t mine, you fuckwad! Those are Christina Aguilera’s! Look, the tag is still on them!”
“Oh, sorry. Thought you ordered the upgrade.”)
(Courtney, I love you.)

The elusive nipple is obviously as valuable as a truffle, as enviable as a good sense of comedic timing, as precious as our next generation. Why else would its evidence in our role models be hidden from us? Are his wife’s nipples the real items for which W. was searching in Iraq? Maybe they are so powerful that if we saw them on celebrities, we would be woken to truths which might lead to our abandonment of celebrity culture and our duties as consumers.

Bring back the nipple! I know it has a story to tell.

Saw this product – “Peabutter” – at the grocery store today. The ingredients were listed as “Special peas, oil, sugar, salt.” I needed to know what a special pea was. Good thing there’s a website, which lists the detailed ingredients. Peabutter is made of golden brown peas. Ah. Good enough, then.

Number One:
Check out these party people!
“I wanted to find something different to name him besides Jon Blake,” says the proud father of Jon Blake Cusack 2.0. Whose own name is Jon Blake Cusack. Wow – I guess all the other trillions of names in the world just paled beside Jon Blake, huh? How about Warren? That’s different from Jon Blake.

Number Two:
Dooce is having her baby today! Probably, she will be named something other than Jon Blake.