The Cheeseblog

Go! Lookatit! A great disguise, no? – as long as you sat on the right couches. Think of the secrets you could hear. The coins you could pilfer from beneath couch cushions.

It’s a testament to the seller’s abilities (OK, OK, it’s Saint Aardvark’s mom, the ebay queen) that she can make this WOW! HOLY! WOW! piece of clothing remotely compelling. (She measured the collar!) As I read, I find myself actually wanting it. The lining, the topstitching, the hidden change pocket. All of it.

Actually, the jacket is okay-spiffy but I super-dig the labels: “Designed by Stanley Blacker for Al Troxler’s Men’s Store, Kalamazoo” and “Professional Dry Clean Only Use Cool Iron”. How fucking hip are you with those labels? Pritttty hip.

OK well….
Maybe this isn’t as funny as I think it is. But maybe it’s GENIUS.

Plus, so are these.

And, so, earlier today, when I was on the bus? OK there was a car pulled up at the light next to the bus, it was a red, convertible Mustang, top down. There was a badminton birdie hanging from the rear view mirror. And the man driving it was a short, skinny, pimply dude with a baseball cap and big aviator sunglasses. And one of those jackets made of swishy material, with many colours and slogans like “New world Jacket!”. And the song? The song he was BLASTING from his car at the corner of Broadway and Kingsway (right near Kingsgate mall, oh yes)?

Gloria. You’re always on the run, now. THAT Gloria.

Really loud, RILLY loud like shaking-the-bus-like-a-Polaroid-picture loud. And he wasn’t even dancing.

Speaking of OutKast, check the video for “Roses”. There’s everyone’s favourite Kid In The Hall!

Anyway, how I did giggle & titter. And then the light changed and he roared into 2nd gear and he was off, only to pull up again next to us – on da bus – at Fraser. New song though. “Be With You” by Mr. Big. Wha? I mean, yes, I have these songs on mixed tapes and when I go out sometimes I listen to them. But if I had a functioning stereo in my car and that much attitude to back it up, I’d get some goddamn Eminem. For the respect, y’all.

In other news, this evening I tried to follow a link and instead read this:

We’re sorry: you’re using a browser we don’t support. With Internet Explorer 4.0 (or higher) you get the best experience at hm.com. To update your browser click on the link below

Oh, wait, maybe you missed the part where YOU try to sell ME things. Ha ha!

Super-don’t miss:

The Earthquake movie! What’s fabulous about this is that I only recognize one name in the credits: and he’s just a guy I knew once. OH, I think I have heard of Beau Bridges too. But hey: maybe Vancouver will slide into the water. At last. No 2010 here: you can’t shine if you’re underwater. Right?

Did you know Old Dutch Chips originated in Winnipeg in 1954? That’s what the bag just told me. Shhh…it has more secrets…

A shameful secret: for the last two days, I have been suffering from an inordinately intense craving for peanut M&Ms. See, when I crave sweet things, once every two years or so, I get the sweet thing in question, take a bite and then I’m done for the next two years. 17 half full containers of various kinds of chocolate ice cream covered in frostbite in my freezer can attest to this. Handily and not without some premeditation, I married someone who likes a) leftovers and b) anything with sugar in it.

The other day I was at SUPERSTORE (as an aside, I just heard that superstore employees might go on strike next week. that’ll mess me up but good) and in the Isle of Bulk and I got some spicy pea mixture and I got some Muesli and then I saw the peanut M&Ms. So colourful! So round! I filled a bag with a couple hundred grams and continued shopping. By the time I got to the parking lot, I was tearing open the bag to eat them, the crunchy, sweet, salty goodness of them! I had to restrain myself from scarfing the whole bag.

Yesterday, I took them to work, thinking, well, at least they’ll last. Wrong! I ate handfuls of them! in part because the office is moving and I had packed everything (since I’ve only been there 5 weeks it took me an obscenely short amount of time to pack) and was ready to go go go. Moving doesn’t happen till 5 pm today though, so I had to do something until then.

And then, when I got home, the peanut M&Ms were in my backpack, rattling seductively. I had half a peanut butter sandwich, to quell my hunger & craving but it didn’t work. With gusto that terrified the already orange-alert catt, I filled my face with the M&M morsels and chewed so hard my eyes almost popped out.

…really! I am typing this with eyes that are bigger than they were yesterday and on looser stringy bits. You know, the bits that hold the eyes in? Those bits are looser.

I hope the craving ends soon.

Would anyone like to buy me this house?

A pity it’s right on Broadway @ Slocan. But so pritty. So splendiferously pritty.

The Next Best Thing: what a crappy movie that was. I mean, it goes without saying that a movie with Madonna is bad, but Madonna singing “American Pie” at a graveyard? Yeesh!

Diet Coke with lime, Havana rum and a scoop of lemon sorbet, however = mmm. I don’t usually drink Diet Coke, but recently, this girl at a restaurant ordered a diet coke with FIVE SLICES (emphasis hers) of lime and I thought: Huh, that’s dedication! and then the next thing I know there’s Diet Coke with Lime on the side of a truck and in my local convenience store so I decided to try it.

It tastes like Aspertame. But that’s why there’s rum.

It’s Organ Transplant month! Hop on over to the BC transplant society (unless you don’t live in BC) and fill out the papers. Otherwise your liver could end up in a can at the grocery store like the “Liver Spread” we saw today. Contained Beef Liver, Beef Tongue, MSG and salt. Yeah, you’d want salt.

It’s strange to me, but only yesterday did it occur to me to sing “I like NICE DUCKS and I cannot lie” to the tune of “Baby Got Back.” Only yesterday! It was the nice qua qua ducks at Superstore River that helped me to this realization. Along those lines, here is a collection of boot-ays, mostly covered.

If I ever get married again, I want to do it at Heaven on Earth. Only $25,000 for the “Princess” Package. Look:

The bride and her brides maids will have the exquisite “Blue Room” for dressing and our elegant ivory and lace
“Bridal Chamber” to lounge in before the ceremony.
The groom and his groomsmen will dress in the “San Francisco Suite”. Both dressing rooms will have delicious snack
trays from our caterer.

Bridal Chamber! Snack trays!

Ceremony music is live, duet is live, (your choice of music). There is a trumpeter to add that special touch of majesty to the ceremony. A professional DJ till 11:00pm. You may desire live piano for dinner music and pre wedding music prior to the ceremony.

A trumpeter!

All of our cakes are custom cakes. The cakes in your package are the in the “Designer” category. There are many exciting options including gum paste flowers, or fillings, or false tiers, and layers for the groom’s cake or chocolate strawberries. You will meet with the decorator to plan these special cakes.

False Tiers! Groom’s Cake!

We hire a professional DJ who will interact with the crowd, accept song requests and add to the excitement of the evening.

Excitement!

ALCOHOL options are available at your request.

$25,000 does not include alcohol? What is wrong? I’d rather have alcohol than a trumpeter or a damn groom’s cake. Oh, I’m gonna be right ornery the 2nd time around. I don’t care if it’s just renewing our vows, it has to be PERFECT. I am a PRINCESS. On a PLANTATION.

Some squirrel notes:

The Albino Squirrel is watching you.

Squirrels: not just for breakfast!

In Brevard, NC, the white squirrel is quite a draw.

And, in case you need a vacation, there is a Squirrel Lover’s Club Celebration in Illinois, in June. Only $5! Includes something called a Squirrel themed putting contest. Hundreds of squirrels plan to attend. Special rates at the Super 8.