The Cheeseblog

I happened upon this review in the New York Press of a book called “The World Is Flat.” I had only anecdotal interest in the book but now I fear I must abandon my life as I know it and find the author of the review, Matt Taibbi, and give him a big squeeze around the middle for I have not laughed so hard since I saw Gordo’s goofy mugshot on a variety of fresh pressed clothing and accoutrements for the home and office.

I’m not sure I remember how I found Not Without My Handbag, but I was tickled just shy of torture to see her tagline, It’s my handbag and it freaks me out! which of course comes from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls the most FREAKTASTIC movie EVER!

I had blueberry pie for breakfast.

Anyway the funny things at Not Without My Handbag were the pages about bad baby names. These were gleaned from baby name boards (mostly…some were plants according to the FAQ) dating back to 2001 and had snotty/clever (depending on your mood) responses added from the handbag-purveyor. Pour example:

“Hi, I would like some opinions on these two boy names for girls? I really like them. Brandyn, I am really liking this name? Curious about different spellings? Brandon, Brandin? Branden?
Jayson, Also curious about different spellings? Jacen? Jaycen? Jaysen? Tyler?”

This was actually written by Dr. Evil’s father in a mad attempt to back up his claim he invented the question mark. He used it for all punctuation, whether it was a question or not, until the authorities caught up with him. In his madness, he also thought T-Y-L-E-R was pronounced “Jason.”

Right, right, now I remember. I found that page on a google-beam from here, which came from cruel.com.

Also found: A call from some Catholic priests to unleash our inner ragemonkeys.

Urrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh!

Stop! Hammer time!

Until moments ago, I had not heard the word “canard” in any context other than the obvious “It’s FRAH-NCH for DUCK!” context. But actually, it means:
An unfounded or false, deliberately misleading story … among other things. (The other things are to do with planes and don’t interest me as much.)

eg: I have never, in all my years in the BC Legislature, been privy to such an overt canard!

Canard is a great word but it is not as great as Pinniped, referring to the family of mammals which includes seals, sea lions and “the walrus.” It is so Fun To Say. I have said Pinniped every hour on the hour for the last two days and this does NOT make me crazy it makes me cute.

Now, I have said Pinniped but not spelled it so it is fun also to note that often, Pinniped will be misspelled (by me) as “Pinnipeg” which makes me giggle and makes me think of Sarah. Hi Sarah! Hope you are enjoying Pinnipeg!

Useless product of the day: Molson Kick. It’s a “…refreshing tasting lager with naturally occurring caffeine.” Looks like a coca cola, probably tastes like pee, comes in a “shatter proof aluminum bottle” (no more bar fights with beer bottles I guess, DAMMIT my youth is truly over) and will wake you up some, though it’s hard to say with only 55 mg of caffeine per bottle (half as much as in a cup of coffee, I seem to recall?) battling the 5% alcohol/volume plus all the other shit Molson puts in their beer. Maybe the caffeine helps you not get a headache the next day. But is it a selling point that even Molson considers their product to be so boring as to warrant a caffeine injection?

What’s with the stimulant beverages anyway? Fucking Red Bull everywhere I look. Am I the only person who goes to sleep at night? Can you buy speedballs at the grocery store yet? Just wondering.

OH newsflash on the cover of the Province today: DEVIL CRYSTAL METH DESTROYS LIVES or somesuch. Picture of a grinning Evil Man saying “erghhhhh.” Black background, white pointy text. I think we can move on from the mass hysteria now and actually do something about the meth prob. yes? Attempts at encouraging mass hysteria have been noted by me for at least three years. Comparably enthusiastic attempts at helping addicts and those they impact have not been noted.

What else has been noted?

• Yesterday’s Globe and Mail had a brief piece about the so-called Hipster PDA. Index cards and a pen, apparently. I don’t think they were kidding. I didn’t read the whole article because I was spontaneously combusting (all better now, thanks) but apparently when we are offered over-technological tools to do our jobs, we don’t choose the right tools and we become mired in our tools and can no longer do our jobs. My hope is this creates a glut of unused & dirt cheap Blackberries because I think they’re neato. I’ve already got a lot more pens and index cards than anyone who uses a computer all day has a right to.
• This morning, GATS watched the Sun Run on his big TV.
• There was a movie about Barbies in Fairyland on my TV but I didn’t watch it past the opening credits, just long enough to notice that there was only one person credited with writing the music but pairs of people credited for everything else. I like to think this was done intentionally, so that the writers, producers, concept designers, etc. would never be alone and tempted to abandon the project. I can imagine the two writers holding each other late at night over a case of Red Bull, shaking with shame and self-loathing but having to keep going and do that third re-write.
• Thank goodness Trumpy finally fired that dipstick Chris the other night. God I hate short men and their chewing tobacco’d, barky little mouths. And then, when they’re fired, they CRY! Ha! Just ’cause I’m feeling mean today, Double Ha!
• I got green nailpolish and roller eye shadow and chips. Happy Sunday.

The end.

I re-read yesterday’s mini rant about provincial politics and realized it could be mis-interpreted as a threat to vote Liberal if the NDP doesn’t shape up. I will not vote Liberal. Even if Carole James ate all the chips and admitted it on television and the Green Party outlawed shoes because of the leather and rubber soles and the Sex Party made me go to their Sex Parties every week even though I was tired and old and in a long-term committed relationship, I would STILL not vote Liberal.

It’s that full-on grey sky today, none of that pale clouds that might blow over at any moment to reveal sunshine. Nice, non-wishy-washy day. That’s what I like. Raindrops on the window. Everything sort of dark. Sure it would be better if I didn’t have to put on outside-clothes and go sit in an office all day. But I have half a butter tart square waiting for me in my desk drawer at work. Motivate!