A New thing to Hate!

Posted on 11/10/2005 by cheesefairy

The other day I was walking home from work and had to dodge a particularly large tourist. He was wearing a nasty patterned shirt and tight shorts and he was trying to wave a cab down. I politely stepped around him and held my tongue when I would have preferred to swear.

And then I realized: it was not a live human tourist at all, but a Spirit Bear.
The American Tourist Spirit Bear to be exact. Complete with $1 charity rubber bracelets and flip flops!

So yeah; last year it was big painted orcas and this year it’s bears. Chicago had cows, Toronto had moose, etc. I am predisposed to not be so fond of the giant fibreglass animals, much as I dislike any large blatant displays that attract lots of attention. Oh except in Eugene, Oregon where they had giant ducks. But come on – giant ducks!

What can I say – I’m an introvert. An introvert who likes ducks.

Of the selection of bears available to view so far, I do like this one as it just looks like a statue of a bear. But why do the other ones have to be all “The Grateful Dead Has A Very Bad Day?” It says right here at the SpiritBearsInTheCity website, that the Kermode bear is WHITE. Not blue or brown or covered in your five year old’s fingerpaint.

I think they’re so fugly it hurts. But also it’s disrespectful. Look at this first paragraph from the website:

Found only in British Columbia’s northern forests, the rare “Spirit Bear” or “Kermode Bear” is widely recognized for its unique white colouring. A First Nation legend states that the Raven, their creator, made these bears white as a reminder of the time when the world was pure and clean and covered with snowdrifts and ice blue glaciers. Raven promised that these bears would live in peace and harmony forever.

Does this not seem to be at complete odds with the brightly coloured, soulless-eyed tourist attractions scattered throughout the city? Or am I just a Surly McCrankyPants?

American Tourist Spirit Bear is at the corner of Georgia and Granville if you want to avoid/behold it.

Posted in idiots, outside | 2 Comments

If you Need to Succeed at Something Out of the Ordinary

Posted on 11/7/2005 by cheesefairy

Today might be the day to do it. It appears the stars are aligned for this sort of thing; my co-worker and I are currently in the lead in our office hockey pool.

Yep, you read that right. So go, buy those shoes you weren’t sure about, throw out your boyfriend, sign up for a class in microbiology. Anything is possible.

Posted in funny | 1 Comment

Three Things (not a meme)

Posted on 10/31/2005 by cheesefairy

First-of-all-y, it’s Lilah’s birthday! Welcome to the world, baby!

Second-of-all-y, I’m adding to the public record that NEXT Halloween I want to be the A-Team. No, not alone. I need the rest of the A-Team too. So think it over. You have one year.

Third-of-all-y, how is it when I am dressed as a rhinestone cowboy in a sequined tank top, jeans and a cowboy hat with appliqued Showgirl-style Godawfula that people STILL tell me I look like Sarah McLachlan? Shania Twain I could believe.

On the other hand, my ducks are dressed like cows and everyone thinks they’re pigs so it’s not just me.

Posted in ducks, outside | 2 Comments

Things I Can’t Help Doing

Posted on 10/28/2005 by cheesefairy

– muttering in a sing-song voice to people on the street dressed in camoflage: “I can see you! Your camo isn’t working! I can totally see you!”

– squealing “puppppppy” like a demented 3 year old every time I see a cute dog.

– singing along to Platinum Blonde.

– hissing at idiots.

– eating tinned chili. I know. It’ll probably give me gout or angina.

– naming things. My pumpkin’s name is Carl. What’s your pumpkin’s name? Is it OK to name something you plan to take a knife to? Who cares! I can’t help it! I’m the victim here, not Carl.

– procrastinating.

Posted in | 5 Comments

Your job. MY job.

Posted on 10/25/2005 by cheesefairy

I used to work closely with photocopiers and the toner dust is still caking my many tracts. Because of this, people often bring me their photocopier concerns. Often, I can help, which is an upside. I like to help.

The downside is that sometimes when I am at work the photocopier breaks/jams/sings/votes Republican. Then everyone comes to me to see if I can fix it and if I can’t (which is VERY RARE) they come to me to tell me it can’t be fixed.

Most of the time this doesn’t really bother me. Everyone likes to feel useful.

Today, however, I am very tired. I was up late last night at the emergency catt clinic with SA and Seamus the amazing Can’t-Pee-at-Home-Gives-His-Owner-Heart-Attack-Then-Proceeds-to-Pee-In-Own- Carrying-Case-at-Vet-Clinic catt. (he has crystals in his bladder. If left to fester, these could kill him. But since we acted so quickly, he will live on! Hoorah!) So everything and everybody is up in my sauce today. (do you like this phrase? I have been using “Up in my business” for a few weeks but I like the word SAUCE!)

After four people told me the photocopier was broken, I told each of them that the information for calling in a service tech is actually on a sticker on the front of the machine. This was met with four blank stares. So I took a deep breath and called for service.

The dispatch woman asked me my name, my address, my problem. I told her. Several hours later, a tech showed up and started staring at the copier, which was all blinky-red-lights, making slow, sad whiny noises. I approached Mr. Tech and said hello. He looked at me and said,

“I’ll show you how to get the error code. It’s easier if you call in with the error code.”

He showed me how to get the error code. He smiled at me.

“See? Sometimes it’s a very small problem.”
“Yeah,” I said, “she didn’t ask me for an error code on the phone.”
“Next time, you should just give it to her. That way we know.”

I know how you can find out what the error code is. You can COME AND LOOK AT THE MACHINE. I don’t get to preview my day before I show up here. I come into the office; sometimes people are asshats, sometimes shit blows up, sometimes it’s all cake & streamers. Life is a gamble. I refuse to help you cheat at the life lottery by looking at the error code ahead of time.

What else – would you like to call me and walk me through servicing the machine myself? No, you know what? YOU are the person with whom we have signed a service contract. YOU will get off your ass and come here and fix my machine. I don’t care how small the problem is – you still have to come here. You have to come here because I CALLED YOU.

See? Very tired.

Service Techs everywhere (and oh, the stories I could tell): You Done Been Smote.

Epilogue:

So I was writing this while he fixed the machine. And he came over just now so I could sign the receipt and said with a shrug,
“I just don’t know.”
“What don’t you know?”
“The machine. I got it to work but I don’t know what’s wrong with it.”
“Well, it was jammed.”
“Yes, but there was no paper.”
“Yes, I know. That was the problem. So – what did you do?”
“I cleared the paper jam.”

Here we pause to think about fuzzy puppies and red wine.

“Well that’s good.” (miraculous, really)
“Yes but it might do it again…”
“If it does it again is there anything we can do?”
“Yes, you can call with the error code…”
“I mean BEFORE we call. Can we do what you just did?”
“It’s in the manual.”
“OK…”
“But if you call with the error code…”
“So if I had called you with the error code today, what would you have done?”
“It would depend on the error code.”

PUPPIES! WINE!!!

“If I had called with THAT error code,” I say, (pointing to the code he has written down on his copy of the receipt)
“Then I still would have come in.”
“OK then.”
“But it helps us if we know the error code.”
“OK. Go set yourself on fire now.”
“Pardon?”
“You heard me. Set yourself on fire.”

Posted in Goddessa Smites You, idiots | 3 Comments