Things I Can’t Help Doing

– muttering in a sing-song voice to people on the street dressed in camoflage: “I can see you! Your camo isn’t working! I can totally see you!”

– squealing “puppppppy” like a demented 3 year old every time I see a cute dog.

– singing along to Platinum Blonde.

– hissing at idiots.

– eating tinned chili. I know. It’ll probably give me gout or angina.

– naming things. My pumpkin’s name is Carl. What’s your pumpkin’s name? Is it OK to name something you plan to take a knife to? Who cares! I can’t help it! I’m the victim here, not Carl.

– procrastinating.